Better to have loved and lost?
Posted By Lonesome Loser on January 31, 2009
*This is another Discussion Question, meant for readers to respond to and talk about. Please offer comments…
If you could, would you take it back? Knowing as you know now that your love is unrequited, would you still want to go through the experience of being in love with your loved one? Is it better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all? Why or why not?
Personally, I still say I would take the pain with the pleasure. But I also know that on my blog, just after finding out Jessica had changed to her married name, I said the opposite (see “More Painful Revelations” on Unrequited Love Blog). I wished I had not fallen in love with her at all. But now, I feel the pain of it is important, it tells me something about myself and what I want in my life, it helps me feel more alive, it still brings many positive and good-feeling feelings…
I am glad I love him, in a way. I have just left a very damaging relationship, after 3 and half years, a month ago. My love for him did give me the strength to leave her and even though he has made it quite clear he is not interested in a relationship with me, he gave me more respect and showed more kindness in three weeks, than she did in three and half years. I just wish I could stop thinking about him :,(
But he showed me what ‘love’ looks like, a beautiful freedom and a beautiful dance… I know I will love him forever for that lesson, even though it hurts.
Hi Suzy,
So, better to have loved and lost, I take it. I agree. Sounds like you and I have had similar experiences in some ways. Falling in love with Jessica was both pleasure and pain, ultimately helped me get out of an unfulfilling marriage and get to know myself more honestly. Painful but worth it.
I noticed thay you said it helped you out of an unfulfilling marriage. Right now, I am married and have a 6mos old son. I love my wife, but we have had our problems. At one point I discussed divorce with her, she did not want it, and I agreed to try to work it out, it has gotten alot better. However!! (here comes the plot twist) about a year before I mentioned divorce to my wife, I fell in love with another woman at work. This was a love at first sight situation. At first I thought “wow, she is so beautiful and nice”, and did not think too much more of it. But everyday I would see her, and my bond with her continued to grow. Back to divorce time, I had made up my mind to tell this woman my feelings. I sat her down as a friend, and we left as purposeful strangers. It was(and still is) not a good experience. Understandably, having a married man tell you that he loves you is probably not the ideal love gesture that a woman wants.
I think what may have happend here was that, with my wife and I, we have gotten very comfortable in our married life and our love is more of a family type love (stonger, although some people would disagree), and I think I missed “falling in love”, that new love feel, doing things for the first time again. Presently, my wife and I are doing really well, still having issues and getting past them. I still have strong feelings for the other woman, but I am starting to realize that it is an impossibe want, and now I am trying to work on just being friends again.
For those who may think that is a bad idea and I am just opening my self up for more pain, you are absolutely correct, but I need her in my life one way or another, at least for another couple of months(I will be moving out of country). After the move I will be forced to forget her, until then I still want to see her smile everday…in my presence.
I think people need drama in their lives to constantly test themselves. Plus, I dont like having people not like me, but that is not for this discussion.
On a more positive note…I am proud of myself for actually telling this other woman that I loved her, I never knew I had it in me to do something like that, given my situation at the time.
And I have finally felt true love, someone I would die for, or kill for…and its for a man, well at least, he will be soon. My son.
Wouldn’t change a thing!
For me, there is no gray area here it absoutely is better to have loved and lost. I love the bipolar episodes that limerence produces. I never feel more alive. It seems like the extremes of anything create a corresponding opposite. Knowing I cannot have her forces uncontrollable fits of tears and unparalleled grief. But knowing I love her anyway produces an unrivaled euphoria.
I just want one episode of mutual limerence to end with a relationship being given a chance. I’ll surely take that wish to my grave.
“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.” -Washington Irving
I’d like to say I agree with Adaptation, and with my earlier self, but now I’m not so sure. I have found myself wishing I had never fallen in love with her, never even met her. I find myself hoping I will never see her again. I can’t stand the thought of seeing her knowing she’s married, knowing she knows I liked/loved/had-a-crush-on/became-limerent-over, her and she didn’t feel the same. I hate it. Hate feeling she is happy elsewhere with someone else, but also like to feel she is happy elsewhere even though it is with someone else. I don’t know, it’s been a motivating experience, but a very painful one.
I ask myself, am i better for knowing her and loving her? Of course, I always say yes. Even the other lost loves from years gone by, I can say that about. When I stop believing in the reasons that created my love for her, am I not condemning my own mind?
If she’s changed so much, or my love was so much based in fantasy, then that’s one thing. But if the love that I alone endured is based on her true being, then simply because I cannot have her or she doesn’t want me are not good enough reasons for me to wish I never loved her.
Hope that makes sense. Not sure it came out as intended.
I’ll have to remember the love never being lost by washinton irving;;;the feeling of love i have for john I don’t regret…it is the casualty of it now that is killing me…..perhaps in a year I will be strong enough to come away better but part of me never wants to stop smiling when I think of him,.i COULD DO WITHOUT THE PAIN THO
Think how different it would be if you never met the one person who changed everything…
I’d rather that I’d never fallen in love with him. I’d rather that I’d taken the chance when I had it,but it’s a bit late for that. He is a genuinely lovely guy and just knowing him has been amazing, but the bad times far outweigh the good. Not only am I wasting my time, he lost a friend because I stopped talking to him, hoping that it would go away. Everyone would have been better off if I’d just been able to feel bad for a day or two and the get over it.