The Serious Costs of Seriously Unrequited Love
Posted By Lonesome Loser on February 17, 2009
Seriously, now. I’ve noticed a few search-initiated hits on the post “The Costs of Unrequited Love”, so I figure visitors must be interested in a more serious treatment of the subject. So, the costs of unrequited love…
First and foremost, the most obvious cost to me seems to be the blows to our ego we take as we so badly want to be with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Even true caring from a friend you are in love with can feel like pity when this unrequited love dynamic is playing out. It’s embarrassing, exhausting, and ultimately fruitless. You can end up feeling very badly about yourself as you examine all the “reasons” for why your loved one does not love or desire you. Some advice regarding this in particular: Don’t ask your loved one what they don’t see in you, they aren’t going to tell you and will only become more frustrated and uncomfortable when you insist they can say more than just “you’re a nice guy/girl, but I just don’t see you that way.” Furthermore, you probably don’t want to know whatever it is that they don’t see in you. Chances are it will be something about what you look like or who you are as a person that you had hoped either your clothing or the more positive aspects of your personality compensated for, or even worse, it will be something about who you are that you hadn’t particularly seen as a liability, at which point you have a whole new set of insecurities to worry about.
The second most obvious cost is how emotionally unavailable we are to anyone else during this period of being intensely in love. We can intellectually understand we need to be trying to date, but it is very difficult to put any kind of real effort into dating someone who is not our loved one. It can be so frustrating because the period of time we are simply not able to be interested in anyone else can be quite a long time.
Other costs that I can think of include not paying enough attention to the important people in our lives at the time (family, friends, pets), neglecting school or work responsibilities sometimes to the point of considerably negative consequences, and the general physical stress of being so worked up all the time (with good feelings or with bad feelings).
What do you see as the costs of your unrequited love?
This really hit home for me. I completely agree and can relate to everything that was said here. Loving someone so much only to have it be unrequited hurts more than our loved one can ever know.
Recently I have been stressed out and depressed, and have been doing poorly in school. I am not placing all the blame on my unrequited love, but I think it is certainly part of it.
All I wish for is that he would one day feel the same way. I wish I could make this feeling and wanting go away…
Hi Alone, thanks for commenting. It makes me feel good that you can identify with the stuff I’m saying. Unrequited love is definitely more impactful and long-lasting than most people realize. Thanks for for dropping by, come back any time.
LL
Wow. I can totally relate on this. But i still can’t figure out why I’m so in love with my unrequited love. Believe me or not, I’m already and still in love with him for 9years now and it started when were grade 2. I can’t forget him. His my first love. Well, i don’t know if its puppy love or first love. Even though i have this crush for other people, I still love him.. But hey! I never thought of giving up. If he can’t love me now, maybe he can love me later.
Hi Oblis, I believe you. Some people do seem to fall in love seriously and longterm at an early age with a particular person. You have time and hope on your side, I hope it works out for you! Thanks for reading and commenting…
Oh yes, the costs… The biggest cost for me is that it is placing a strain on my friendship with his sister. I am trying to avoid contact (I’ve deleted his number from my phone) and I find it difficult when she talks about him. She knows (she is very intuitive) and I think she is really trying to help me but I’m finding I have to avoid her too at work. It is going to be difficult when we work together this week…
Good point. A type of cost I hadn’t anticipated — the costs associated with the limitations placed on relationships with others who know both of you.
My ego took the hardest hit. Developing a drinking problem trying to cope with the pain didn’t help either.
This is all so far in the past, but nights like tonight I can’t sleep and think back to my previous life. I spent the first half of the ten years I was in love with her keeping her from killing herself. Then the second half I was the shoulder she cried on when her asshole boyfriends treated her like shit. Predictably, when she was consoled and she was not going to do something stupid she would always tell me she loved me. Then reject me when I wanted more. It was a cycle that happened over and over. It tore me up and those wounds have never healed.
Lonesome loser you echo my very thoughts, i am so very much in love with a man who will never love me back, barely knows i exist but he means the workd to me. keep up the good writing!