How to Get Over Unrequited Love
Posted By Lonesome Loser on March 16, 2009
Unfortunately, there’s not really a check-list answer to this question, but I’ll try to offer one, anyway. Understand the following is over-simplified and over-generalized.
- Wait it out. Passage of time is probably the single most important component. The amount of time varies from person to person but if it’s really unrequited love, it will take a while. Generally at least six months or so, often much longer than that, with the average length of time being around 18 months.
- Eliminate or significantly reduce all contact with your loved one (if loved one is an acquaintance). I can’t emphasize this enough. It is a whole lot harder to fall out of love when you’re spending time around your loved one, staring at her/him, being in their presence, seeing them smile at you, all that stuff. So, make excuses, change your route to class or work, see them only in group situations (if they are someone you talk with regularly). If this is not possible, you will likely spend more time in unrequited love than you might otherwise, but that’s ok, it will eventually pass.
- Avoid sexual references and flirting (if they are a good friend). If you and your loved one are good friends and you want to try and maintain the friendship, both of you must eliminate any sexual tension or flirting that may have been taking place in your interactions. Communication needs to be very clear from the loved one that they are not interested in a romantic relationship with you, and very clear from the would-be lover that you understand and are not asking that of them any more. If you do not feel it is possible to accept a friendship from your loved one (to fully let go of the hope of a reciprocated romance), you probably should not really spend time with them. It will only lead to both of you feeling frustrated and hurt.
- Don’t worry, you won’t forget what your loved one means to you. If it’s really unrequited love (and not a crush), it will probably never fully go away. However, I promise you, at some point it will move from being something that is happening to you, to something that happened to you. It will feel less immediate, less sharp, but you won’t forget your loved one and how they made you feel. The positive feelings you have about your loved one will remain, and you can always access those feelings and memories (although the intensity level will diminish, thankfully).
- Try and socialize with friends and family, even when you don’t feel like it. I do not recommend you try dating right away, I think that oft-given advice is ridiculous. When you are in love, you really can’t be romantically open to anyone else and will only end up in pain yourself and possibly hurting the other person. But it is important to go out, not to stay at home and dwell on your grief and loss. Force yourself to go out and just spend time with others you know and trust, that’s all you have to do for a while.
- Begin dating only when you really feel interested in dating. Wait to begin dating until you have some energy and emotional openness for a new person. When you feel ready to get to know someone new, go ahead and start dating. You don’t have to be in love to date, you just have to want to go out and have fun with this attractive, new person.
These are my thoughts on getting over unrequited love. Please comment if you have other ideas or feedback…
This is just the support and common sense advice that I needed. My situation is particularly painful because my love object and I are good friends, and although he is in a serious relationship, there is good bit of sexual tension in our friendship. Your suggestions are similiar to the advice my mother and friends have given me, but hearing them from someone with a similiar experience has made me feel less self-conscious about the whole affair.
Hi Dora, I’m really glad you found the post helpful. Your situation is not uncommon, but is very painful. Sexual tension can be really confusing for everyone involved. I hope you continue to work on feeling less self-conscious about your feelings, that’s a big part of what I hope this website can provide for readers. Thanks for commenting, and come back anytime.
Hi
How reassuring to read your pragmatic suggestions – I know they are right and they are what my sensible brain is telling me. I will stick to it altho it will be really hard as there is always the hope that one more contact will change things when really I know it won’t. I just want to be able to get him out of my head but that is proving impossible at the moment (and yes this is probably a crush not love but feels no different to the two times I have fallen in love before!)
Hey Aching Heart,
So I take it he is definitely not interested in you? That’s probably a mixed bag considering your life right now. You don’t have to convince me (or yourself) that this is a crush, I know the difference in feelings between a crush and romantic love and you know it when you feel it. Especially when you know it’s no different than other times that you have already labeled as love. I’m sorry it’s so painful, just know that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you other than it’s painful to be in unrequited love.
i’m pretty sure he’s not interested and he has left work (bar one more visit next week to drop off some files). At least I was tired enough last night to get a reasonable nights sleep and managed to find some repetitive tasks to do at work that meant I could rest my mind for a bit…I will be glad when he has been back to work, dropped off his keys and then that will be that. and then time to focus on finding my way back to my husband.
We met and immediatly started an intense physical and emotional ‘reletionship’, he says over and over he doesn’t want a girlfriend, I can wait till your ready, i say…
30 days later (to the day we met), He says he has met another and wants a serious committed reletionship with her!
I told him how I felt, before and after this revelation, we are still intamate, stil spend time together, and he is still with her months later…
I love him and he knows it, and chooses to ignore it, sometimes…
I love him so much and I’m hoping if I stick around long enough he will see it, even though I couldn’t be more wrong, I just can’t ignore my heart and listen to my brain!
so glad to find this board, it puts words to all the things I feel
My biggest concern is not really letting go but the consequences of doing so. We are friends first, and I want to remain it that way. But I know deep in my heart, when it’s truly time to let go, I will lose a friendship. I am afraid I’m going to hurt her because she has claimed to value mine.
I was one of those rare cases where it lasted for years. I estimate 10 years straight, then there was a “relapse” a couple years later when she was having a hard time with men and I was the shoulder for her to cry on.
Anyway, I suggest not coping with the pain with alcohol. It does not allow you to logically think things through and it allows you to escape having to deal with the issue. I drank my sorrow away. When I decided to quit drinking, years after coming to terms with all this, I found myself having to face it all over again. I have not spoke to her in 7 years, for my own well being, and this feeling of grief set in for a few months. I became introspective and I analyzed things from a more realistic perspective.
If you let this ruin too much of your life, you will begin to fear allowing yourself to ever feel that way about someone again. It is like getting injured in a terrible accident, you have a justified fear of being injured. This holding back will have bad effects on your future relationships. That is where I am at currently. Hopefully I can fix that before I am too damn old.