How do you know when you are in love?
Posted By Lonesome Loser on April 21, 2009
Great question! Not an easy one to answer. I’m working on an online quiz for love vs. crush, but it’s still in development.
Scientifically, there is no clear or universally accepted definition for being in love. However, there is a universally observable phenomenon that is variously known as a crush, infatuation, being in love, romantic love, limerence, passionate love. This phenomenon has been reliably observed throughout history and cross-culturally. It has general physical symptoms including feeling nervous, shaky hands, sweaty palms or generally sweaty, flushing, losing color (“white as a sheet”), pupil dilation, being unable to sleep, and decreased appetite. Other types of symptoms include constant intrusive thoughts and fantasies about your loved one, feeling a strong desire to merge with your loved one (sexually and emotionally), getting confused in conversations and stuttering around your loved one. This phenomenon often has paradoxical desires of wanting to declare your feelings to your loved one, and being afraid to do so for fear of being rejected. This phenomenon usually includes strong positive emotional evaluations of your loved one. Genuine caring and concern about your loved one are part of your emotional responses. This phenomenon typically lasts quite a while, on average between six months and three years. Even in its unrequited form it can sometimes last much longer, several years or even a lifetime, but this is not typical (or desirable in unrequited love).
If you have several of the physical symptoms, along with unavoidable preoccupation with and positive feelings about a person, you’re probably experiencing this phenomenon variously known as a crush, infatuation, being in love, romantic love, limerence, or passionate love.
So now what do you do?
Crushes and infatuations tend to be short-term things, and wear off with the passage of time. I wish that what I am experiencing were one of those, because then I could get over it and move on with my life. But I can’t.
I’ve been in love with her for four years now, and the way I feel about her shows no sign of abating. I think it’s the real thing. Unfortunately, she is happily married to someone else. So now what do I do? Nothing. Just grit my teeth and endure the pain.
Hey Sundog, sorry to hear about your predicament. I agree with you, it seems to me one of the major differences between crush and love is the length of time. I don’t believe anyone really maintains a “crush” beyond a few weeks or months, unless it’s really mild like on a movie star or something. But if you feel all those physical and emotional symptoms beyond a few weeks, and its combined with a reasonably realistic perception of the person you have feelings toward, it’s more honest to call it love.
You just feel that the person is special and that you would do anything for them regardless of what they feel about you. You may not really deeply care about someone you’re just infatuated and, as it has been mentioned, powerful feelings for the object of affection won’t last long.
I do however believe in love at first sight.
My very sincere sympathy for sufferers enduring UL for more than a few months. I’ve had it twice now and 6 months is the max for the real pain – but thats enough!
I always thougt an “infatuation” – that usually lasts about the same time, but involves both partners and can last longer.
In both these emotions, co-extensive brain pathways are triggered by the sight of the object of our affection. In UL this appears to be a “replay” of a frustrated parental recognition which failed in infancy – hence we do not form a ‘Bond’ with the adored one and our affection is never returned.
But real LOVE is “neural” no brain chemistry and it lasts forever – not 6 months but 30 plus years in my case! I fell in love with my wife on our first meeting and proposed 2 weeks later – no fear of rejection either!!!
Struck by lightning….caught up in raptures, yet in total agony all at the same time.