“Unrequited Love Isn’t Real”
Posted By Lonesome Loser on May 12, 2009
I’ve been surfing the net and finding there’s a lot of bad advice out there about unrequited love. The superficial or manifest level of communication tends to go something like
“Gee, that’s too bad. It’s so painful. This isn’t really love, it’s limerence. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is a place you can work from to form more intimate, reciprocated relationships. Try to date others who might actually be available to you.”
but the subtext of the advice goes something like
“Unrequited love isn’t real love. It’s a form of anxiety. It’s a sign of an immature person who’s focused too much on fantasy and fear of rejection. Get over it by beginning to date.” And the tone of this subtext is condescending and objectifying.
Don’t listen to those nitwits. First of all, although limerence is (arguably) not quite the same thing as romantic love, it’s pretty close. The definition of limerence originally put forth by the psychologist who coined the term did include a substantial fear of rejection that sustained the limerent dynamic. However, currently the word “limerence” is used a sort of short-hand to describe being in love with or attracted to someone who doesn’t feel the same way or is otherwise unavailable. It’s short-hand used to describe romantic love that the “expert” describer sees as immature, unrealistic, or invalid in some way. Meaning that instead of saying unrequited love is romantic love that is painfully real, people say unrequited love is “limerence” that is a painful fantasy. (As if requited or reciprocated love isn’t a painful fantasy at times, as every lover knows, it certainly can be.)
Of course, unrequited love could be a sign of low self-esteem or relative immaturity. But it isn’t by definition a sign of these things. We could fall in unrequited love for any number of problematic psychological reasons — rejection avoidance, over-reliance on fantasy, or poor reality testing, for example. But this doesn’t mean all experiences of unrequited love fall into this category. We could also fall in unrequited love for any number of more positive (although not necessarily problem-free) psychological reasons — needing a change in life, being (finally) financially or emotionally ready for love without being conscious of that readiness, or enjoying the company of and being attracted to a particular person who is not available for a romantic relationship.
Again, I want to argue that unrequited love is simply and fully romantic love that is not returned. It is the same complex set of feelings, thoughts, and motivations experienced by lovers everywhere. At some point in the process, usually very early on, a biological urge to mate-bond simply takes over and suddenly you’re compelled to think constantly about your loved one, you have powerful sexual and emotional fantasies about the two of you, and you have difficulty sleeping and eating. The fantasies you have tend to be predictably oriented around forming a primary relationship, defending the relationship against any threats, and having children. This really is a biologically-driven process, and biology doesn’t much care whether your loved one returns your feelings or not.
We aren’t broken, just disappointed. We’re not immature, just unlucky.
Well put “We aren’t broken, just disappointed. We are not immature, just unlucky” is the best way to describe it. It is a word I am repeating to myself that I am disappointed and it was bad timing. Doesn’t make it hurt less…
Thanks, I was kind of pleased with that phrasing, myself. Definitely doesn’t make it hurt less. But I think it’s important that we’re able to recognize (and help others recognize) that unrequited love is not a weakness but rather just another place to visit on the path of life…
I liked your article and am sure you are right that at some level it is completely biological – i have become swamped with longings for someone at work. It is unbearable and like the moment I fell in love with my husband. I am absolutely preoccupied – can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t concentrate, daydream and wish I did not. he left work today and I just hope it will go and fade away. it is such an addictive feeling, a sense of intensity, a longing to get to know someone and re-live the early intensity of a new relationship. thank god he has left – I could not risk my marriage and my kids. But it hurts and hurts and hurts… I keep telling myself the world is still turning, the sun will rise tomorrow, that tomorrow is another day and am trusting that one day I will look back on this with a sense of perspective which I just cannot get at the moment
Hi Aching Heart, I’m glad you liked the article. Unrequited love is a very painful place to be, especially for someone in your position. Have you been able to think about why you might have fallen in love with this man at this point in time? How are you feeling in your marriage?
Hi
feeling lonely in my marriage and I know that is why this has probably happened. Got to find a way back to my husband – 15 years on everything seems to predictable and known and yet it cannot be. we must have both changed and have new things to find out about each other. weirdly the man I am preoccupied with is very similar to my husband! So I know I have to (and want to) find a way to get to know him again.
really appreciate your website – it has helped relieved the pressure cooker of feelings….
Unrequited love is very real including the passion and longing you have for the object of your affection. I’m in love with a man who I long for, yearn for, and cannot stop thinking about. He occupies my mind all day and night, and yes, I absolutely love him, whether he loves me back or not.
Unrequited love is agony for me. I’ve been in an amicable but fairly loveless marriage for 5 years. I went back to university and met a girl there and fell head over heels. Unfortunately she too was/is in a relationship and she’s not happy, but she has children (I have none) and so won’t leave him. We had some kissing and cuddling but no more than that. She told me she loved me but as time’s gone on she sees me more as a really good friend and the closeness has vanished. I don’t push things as I don’t want to lose her, at least I can still see her. Since meeting last October (and it’s now August) she haunts every second of my waking day and is in many of my dreams. I don’t eat or sleep properly anymore. I sometimes find myself bursting into tears thinking about her. I carry on with my day to day activities, but find it hard to concentrate. I never thought I would end up like this. The obvious thing is to avoid her, but we’re on the same course and it’s too important for me to give up. I thought the summer vacation would help, but her absence has made me think of her even more. I try to look at it logically, but struggle nonetheless as I absolutely adore her. I guess I’m just a lost cause.
Hi Whippor Will,
Sounds like we have something in common — friendly but not-romantically-in-love marriage. It sounds like you’re in love, all right. I’m sorry, I know it’s really painful and so hard to let go of, even if you believe you should let go.
Glad I found the site, LL.
I’m no expert. But I agree and I’d even argue that limerence is truly the innocence of love, a real love void of the bindings and trappings of society. It is so unconditional. The joyous exuberance of it has always had me queston “love.” Is love not love unless both parties are limerent for each other? When limerence is one-sided, there is nothing more painful. When limerence wanes, it fails to exist. When romantic love wanes, we still say we’re in love. But, are we? Obviously, I’m quite in the midst of another cycle of limerence and I’m loving it, I mean hating it, err no loving it.
Hi Adaptation,
I’m glad you found the site, too. Thanks for commenting. Limerence/love is definitely a tumultuous ride, I hear you. I think probably a fair number of people would say they are in romantic love without experiencing symptoms of “limerence” like difficulty sleeping & eating, extreme preoccupation, extreme joy upon seeing the loved one. A fair number of people don’t actually seem to fall in love or limerence, although they certainly are capable of deeply loving another person. Personally, I really see “true” romantic love as involving those physical and emotional symptoms we associate with limerence. Otherwise, I tend to suspect people are having a lot of positive feelings toward each other based on friendship, some sexual attraction (maybe, it’s actually often not strongly there for both members of a couple), and general societal approval of being attached to someone. Which isn’t a bad thing, and I don’t want to denigrate friendship-based love or companionate love any more than unrequited love, but I don’t think most couples are really in love, in what I would call love.
check out “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson for a different look at long term relationships. I’m still reading it, but it seems to start from the premise that we all have needs and that is okay. Imagine! I am riding a mild roller coaster myself at the moment. We’re both scared and shy, but drawn to each other. I don’t think he is really for me, but I like him and the sparks pull me in. be well
Lonesome Loser,
Thanks for your response….I’ve been dealing with my feelings for M for over three years! Still don’t know what to do! But being in here to post the poem sure helps. I’m not the only one drowned in this kind of situation. How are you doing?
Dear Lonesome WINNER,
First of all, I applaud you for posting this. You are right on so many levels. Pop psychologists just love to cite “low self esteem” as the underlying culprit of numerous conditions. In some cases, the limerent person may indeed have low self esteem, but the low self esteem didn’t *cause* the unrequited love/limerence. Nor did the state of unrequited limerence *cause* the low self esteem, although it could very well exacerbate it. Those who truly suffer from low self-esteem are seldom bothered by unrequited love because they don’t feel that they deserve love at all. Those with normal or high self-esteem are likely to find it more troubling, particularly when the limerent object has intermittently exhibited signs of reciprocation.
Limerence may be a slightly different state than what is commonly referred to as “love,” but love is certainly one aspect of limerence, and a very important one. While some haughty and naïve individuals may scoff at limerence and fancy themselves “above” such a thing, I venture to declare that they would find it exceedingly difficult to argue with the assertion that the greatest love stories and love songs are actually about limerence, not love. Limerence is simply more interesting because it is so much more intense.
It’s true that there are some people who appear to be “non-limerent.” They might like to believe that they are more intelligent and more emotionally stable, but the truth is that their brains are simply “wired” differently. I envied them at one point, but now I’m realizing that these people miss out on possibly the greatest natural high known to man.
Limerence really is like a drug. In fMRI scans of limerent subjects, the dopamine-secreting mesolimbic pathway (the same brain region responsible for drug addiction and reinforcement) became active when subjects were presented with stimuli related to the limerent object. So there is indeed a biological reason for limerent behavior!
I would like to close this comment by saying that you are by no means a “loser.” This is a wonderfully well-thought out article. I’m writing my master’s thesis on unrequited limerence and I would be interested in citing this work (with your permission, of course). Bravo!
Hi Lanie,
Thanks for your supportive comments. Of course, feel free to cite this website/article in your work. Sounds like you and I see limerence/love in similar ways. And all that stuff about the brain and love/limerence is fascinating, isn’t it? Good luck with your thesis!
Please drop by and comment whenever you have the time/interest.
LL
If anything, it is MORE real the reciprocated love. In unrequited love, you are willing to give your heart and your soul to your beloved regardless of the fact that they probably wouldn’t go to the same extreme. Plus, no form of love requires the theory of “give and take.” Love is caring about someone with such intensity that even if they dismiss you have to help them in their time of need. Unrequited love is the most noble and chivalrous form of love that exists.
I also can not stand it when people say that I should just “get over it”. It isn’t that easy.
Good article LL. You show that there is a biological aetiology in what they call “limerance” This must be the brain pathway they have found the dopamine in with the fMRI scans.
As I understand it, there is a “recognition” pathway that is responsible for the formation of ‘Bonding’ behaviour -first in infants (to the parents), then, recognition is ‘switched ‘ in order to enable the formation of Pair Bonds for breeding.
In normal developement, we switch to adult behaviour in our late teens, but if the parent bond is not properly formed and fulfilled, the brain will keep on trying to reform this bond in adulthood. Hence we get 2 types of “Romantic Love”. Firstly the normal 2 partner Pair Bond – can be called Infatuation, Limerance etc. Secondly, the replayed failed infantile ‘Bond’ which, of course does not involve Pair Bonding, and appears therefore, ‘unrequited’.
Real LOVE is nothing to do with recognition pathways, dopamine or any other chemical!
A as sufferer of both UL and infatuation (pair bonds), I have felt the pain of these chemical pathways. I have sought in vain an effective treatment, save the behavioural therapies offered on several sites that promote recovery. SSRI will help to prevent depression, but it will not reduce the pain.
Any suggestions?
Hi Gardiner,
Thanks for the compliment on the article. Unfortunately, there really is no “cure” or “treatment” for unrequited love other than 1) time 2) no contact with loved one. Pain can be lessened by antidepressants if necessary, also helped by more conventional “mood enhancers” like exercise, sunshine, time with friends and family (people who like you and do not reject you).
I did want to say I disagree with your assertion that unrequited love is somehow not real, or that “real LOVE” has nothing to do with brain chemistry. I believe it is more accurate to say that longterm love can and often does begin with the brain chemistry reaction we are talking about. From my own life example, I know that I really LOVE my spouse, but have never been in love with her and that has made our bond (for me) much less strong and stable. I am now seeking a love relationship that DOES have this strong chemical/emotional bond as well as qualities leading to longterm commitment such as shared values and strong levels of “like.”
Um, actually romantic love and limerance are one and the same. Limerance just means unreturned romantic love (when there is an explicit rejection from the loved object, limerance should cease immediately). In this regard, limerance is the same as infatuation or puppy love. It’s loving an image, not a person. In other words, it’s being in love with love.
As for love being real or fake, I personally believe all love is fake. Immature infatuation-type love is fake and so is the love between mature, married couples. Don’t you get it, people? All love is fake.
Why do I say all love is fake? I say it is fake because studies have proven one must believe in romantic love in order for it to happen to you. We are educated (or indoctrinated) through government, family, church, entertainment and mass media to seek out a soul mate. Truth is: there’s no soul mate. And you’re probably compatible with one in three human beings of the appropriate age and sex and physical attractiveness.
Really, love is just a game of odds. Meet enough attractive women (or men) and you’ll soon experience exciting tingles.
The existence and great success of arranged marriages in the East confirms that romantic love is a Western concept, a learned concept, and an attempt to impose illusion upon reality.
My advice: love yourself and be kind to others. If you expect love to make your life worthwhile, you’ll be waiting a long time.
And if love is so great, why do many terrible acts e.g. divorce, homicide, domestic violence, etc, occur between “lovers”?
Um, actually I disagree with you somewhat regarding limerence and romantic love. Tennov focused more on a fear of rejection in her description of limerence. Limerence lasts longer than “infatuation” or “puppy love,” more like several months to years, rather than the weeks to months of a crush. I believe I am saying limerence and romantic love are very similar. But the way the term “limerence” is used in social science, it’s not really the same thing as “infatuation” or “puppy love.” And people certainly do maintain romantic love or limerence in the face of blatant rejection from the Loved One — not everyone, but many people find their feelings (unfortunately) don’t change or don’t immediately change even after it’s very clear they are not returned.
I describe it as the devil on my shoulder. One, because it feels wrong, two, because i can’t have him. I met him four weeks ago. He is more easier to talk to about deep meaningful things, unlike many men i’ve talked with. I thought we were gonna end up with each other, as we communicate so well, but he’s found another woman he wants to date. I am gradually trying to withdraw from my feelings for him. Before it could get any worse for me. It means me reducing the number of e-mails i send him. I’m also reducing the amount of time i spend talking to him. I feel it’s wiser for me to do this, rather than cut him off completely. As we have a great connection when we talk to each other. Most importantly, he knows how i feel about him. I made sure he knew. He asked me, before finding another woman *sigh*. I will try to talk to other men, and have deep conversations. I guess i just find him refreshing.
I forgot to add something. I ended up flirting with him, but only because he was doing it to me first. This was before he’d met this new woman. If i’m honest, that’s cruel of him, if he was only leading me on. I never know how to react anymore since then. He doesn’t seem to care. I’ve noticed him talking about women as if they were disposable. Well, i’m a really sensitive person, so to me, he’s still kind of a pig. All in the space of only four weeks. It feels like one big whirlwind. I hope someone hurts his feelings, the way he’s hurt mine, as in what goes around comes around. I don’t know what to think about the whole thing.
I think you have a point. That would be taking things on a surface level. But having recently re established facebook contact with someone that I met and fell in love with 15 years ago and finding that those feelings have not changed, I have been looking into the reasons why I want someone who doesn’t appear to want me. I did my best to have a relationship with this person all those years ago and I found that for whatever reason he just wasn’t interested. I am now happily married with beautiful children and I love my life, so I wonder what I have to gain from this unproductive infatuation. On the one hand, I can use it for creative inspiration. On the other hand, I had a mother who did not love me: she did not return my affection or ever say ‘I love you’. I can see now that my unrequited love is an attempt to recreate this ‘familiar’ feeling of rejection, which is somehow comforting, albeit painful. This helps me some way towards recognising and healing what to me is an unwanted feeling.
Thank you for this website, LL. I fell in love at first sight a few months ago. It has never happened to me before even though I am married that was a different kind of love that grew. Now I am finally feeling that kind of love, that kind of LOVE, that they write about in songs and poems, that kind of crazy love that keeps you up at night, thinking about the person all the time, like the person is a magnet and you are a helpless piece of iron. It’s uncontrollable and I wish I could make it stop but I don’t want to make it stop because it’s also the most aliive I’ve felt in many years.