The Politics of Dancing
Posted By Lonesome Loser on September 9, 2009
“Finally, a new post!”
(Sorry about the lack of attention I’ve been giving this site. I’ll work on posting more frequently.)
To tell or not to tell? Should you tell your loved one that you are in love with him/her? Why or why not? I’ve been thinking about how it might be to tell my loved one I was in love with her. I can’t see any good come of it. In my mind’s eye, being forced to deal with my feelings makes her uncomfortable, but she is kind in the way she tells me she is unavailable and uninterested. What is the point of that!? I already knew that, and don’t want to sit and be condescended to about her being “flattered” and so forth. But that’s just me.
Of course, often what we are talking about in these situations is a type of don’t ask-don’t tell policy. Your loved one doesn’t ask about your feelings, at least not directly, and you don’t tell them. The two of you skirt around the issue of your love, pretending you don’t see or don’t understand what the other is intimating, dancing around a possible overt, verbalized revelation of love, moving first toward it and then away. You ask carefully worded questions about the loved one’s relationship, your loved one gives you an overly casual response. Your loved one looks for you to compliment her/him, you try to ignore the obvious pull for attention. You wonder out loud if friends could ever be lovers, your loved one changes the subject. Your loved one asks if you’re interested in anyone, you talk about the cute guy/girl you know at work. We kind of want our loved one to know of our feelings, but then kind of not. The loved one sometimes wants confirmation of our feelings or interest, but then often our love feels like a burden. The politics of dancing around unrequited love.
The urge to tell someone you are in love with that you are in love with them can be overwhelming, and no less so because the love is unrequited. Confessing (as though it’s a crime!) your love to your loved one is a moving toward the person, an expressed desire to be closer that is a perfectly natural feeling in love. But what if the person doesn’t feel the same? Can you tell someone you’re in love with them without demanding they return it? How about without hoping they return it? Is there a benefit to just being able to tell someone how you feel? Is there any benefit for the other person?
What have been your experiences with this particular type of dance?
I can only comment from my own precious experience of an (ongoing) one-sided love: tell them. As long as you are reasonably confident them knowing the feelings of your heart won’t cause painful disruption in their life. And as long as your goal is to offer the love freely… as a complete transaction, without asking/needing them to do anything. I had the chance to speak with my loved one, face to face, and tell him my feelings, knowing ahead that he most likely did not feel the same way. While it was piercingly sad for my “aloneness” in my feelings to be confirmed, I would still not have traded that experience of the “telling” for anything. People, your beautiful, tender feelings are worthy of the deepest respect and they require expression! Do it for yourself and your own spiritual health. Do it for your loved one, give them a gift they can carry with them for the rest of their life. By telling him, I felt I was being a friend to myself, and standing by my feelings… I was following up on this love as far as I could, until it was not my province anymore… AND I was letting my cherished one know how much he meant to me, and how I saw him. Yes, it took years and many tearful nights before I worked up the courage. And yes, I cried at the end. But as sad as the thought was that this love wasn’t mutual, even MORE painful was the thought of him never knowing I loved him. In the end, it was what galvanized me into action. And if he and I are never to have any more beautiful, intimate moments together, at least we had THAT moment… and in that moment, he (in a way) was mine.
I have known him for 4 years and we were close friends until last Dec that we grew intimately closer. Before this, I brrushed away the “puppy love” feelings I had for him back then and took him as a just another friend.Suddenly, I find myself feeling strongly and more passionately towards him than before, the physical interference intensified the emotional attachement. Honestly, I do not know where this is taking us or rather myself to. Many times, I asked myself, is he leading me on or am I just being in self-denial? I secretly checked our relationship on a “couple’s do-list” and I found that we did what couples would do except for the very fact we are not a couple. During a vacation trip that just the both of us went, I took the courage to hold his hands while trodding down the busiest streets of Tokyo.That was a bet I took and wished I would be able to continue after the trip.Sad to say, on the way back home, he pondered and said NO to me when I asked candidly if i could continue to hold his hand like I did. Till this very moment as I am writing this, he left me thinking when he said that ” the number NO NO for a guy is to mislead and get a girl’s hope high”… What is he thinking? Am I just being taken on a ride? I think I know him well enough, or so I hope, to say he wont be that jerk. But I can’t help to think that he is telling me that I should not think too much and that what we went through are just things good friends of platonic relationship do. I hate the mind games I am going though now but yet at the same time, I am also not ready to foresake the moment of feeling in love with him when all the truth come into light.
Rejection will be my biggest fear and I know with my huge ego, it will have to be moving forward as lovers or ending off not even being friends…
If I keep on waiting, will there be a chance that he will ever know? there are just so many what if-es…. what now?
First, Rebecaa — how poignantly wriiten. I especially liked “Do it for your loved one, give them a gift they can carry with them for the rest of their life. By telling him, I felt I was being a friend to myself, and standing by my feelings… ” You’ve given me food for thought and a sense of empowerment for sure. Thank you.
This is the distressing part of my limerence that I’m currently wrestling with. Often times, the depression gets so overwhelming that I know I must cross this bridge soon. That is, of course, until I get over that scarey spot in my life and feel the ecstasy again. So, to me, it’s almost like a slippery slope that you must slide down at some point. In the past, to preserve sanity I always disclosed my feelings. I couldn’t just walk away even when I knew that I should have.
This time around, I think I’ll continue to hope that we are both doing this crazy dance, that she somehow is facing the same inner turmoil that I am, that societal forces will change and allow us to simultaneously disclose to each other. See, it’s not the dancing that’s the problem. It’s the separation.
-Adaptation
I desperately want to tell my loved one how I feel, but the situation is complicated because I work with him and I’m married (open, but we aren’t “deviant” or promiscuious). The moment I saw him I knew I’d end up feeling this way no matter what I did and I’ve fought it all the way, believe me. I finally fell head over heels for him about a year ago. I’m still fighting but it does no good. I’m even looking for other jobs but I love my job and even if I didn’t with the economy being what it is… But I’m afraid of rejection, creating an uncomfortable situation at work and telling him something that would be a burden to him, but perhaps I should stand up for my feelings, as Rebecca said and let him know. It isn’t as if he hasn’t flirted with me, and we’ve spent time together outside of work. He has to my mind expressed an interest in me even if he hasn’t said so outright, but he never seems to be able to follow through. He will approach, then back off start talking about his girlfriend (who is so not for him!) and asking me how my husband is. I find this infuriating and think that he’s a coward for not just telling me flat out he’s not interested, but he hasn’t done that. I believe he knows how I feel so the only surprise would probably be that I actually expressed my feelings out loud! I hope that he hasn’t outright rejected me because he and I are dancing to the same tune, and that my expressing my feelings for him will be a relief for both of us. I never knew what people meant when they called love a “fever” until now. I can’t stop thinking about him or loving him. So I suppose the only thing left to do is find the proper time, place and words to tell him how I feel, and let the chips fall where they may.
Dovey
Dovey,
Perhaps he is confused, as well? Does he know your marriage is open? If not (or even if he does know it’s open, someone being married can be pretty intimidating), he may not be at all sure of your feelings, or at least not sure you want to do something about them. He’s got a girlfriend, you’re married, he may see the situation as pretty impossible or at least improbable. I hope you’re able to tell him how you really feel, regardless of where it goes or doesn’t go. Thanks for reading and commenting.
LL
Thank you, LL for stepping into his shoes somewhat because I think I may be too infatuated with my head in the clouds to do that. No, he has no idea that I have an open marriage. I’ve been unsure exactly how to let him know because I worry that giving him that info could seem way too much like an offer of the merely physical, when I just want to get to know him and explore my feelings for him. I guess he needs to know that my marriage is open, and that part of the ground rules between me and my husband are no unsafe behavior and no promiscuity – period. We’ve been married for a while and the last time I took a lover was 12 years ago so I don’t fall easily for just anyone, but when I do…! I don’t know if he’d be less intimidated and maybe he’s just not comfortable with such goings on, which is totallly valid, but at least I’d know I’d been honest with him about my feelings. I’m looking for the appropriate time and place, which hopefully will arrive soon!
Dovey
Long story short, I once gave my loved one a secret admirer gift and card. I was sat there in the room when he received it and for the remainder of the week, he and his friends seemed to curious to know the identity of this would – be lover. At first, I felt as if I had wasted my time because as the days passed he was beginning to lose interest in this possible lover.
After three days, I came clean and admitted to a friend of his that I was the culprit. The object of the affection, who was working on the other side of the room, discovered that it was me in seconds. He gave me a shy but scared smile and turned a beautiful scarlet colour.
And by next week, I was just another person again. He seemed to make himself believe I didn’t exist. Admitting my feeling might have liberated me temporarily but it gave me no satisfaction. I was, and still am, worth nothing to him.
my love and I are both married and my falling for him occurred over time ,slowly and with great passion in my soul..but I knew from the second I saw hi.m . He was my surgeon, I his patient. For months when I would see him he would flirt and tease…just enough to make it awkward just enough to feed my heart, the lst time he brushed the hair from my eyes and took my hand i was done and mush.
He would answer my persistent e-mails and except my gifts telling me I was so sweet.
Finally I took the leep and sent the card…he must have known he would need to respond but then did it by e-mail rather than in person. His response was a bit pissy…you know I’m married he said and simply would’t do anything to compromise that.
Now not able to let go and walk away, I appologized and told him he had misread. I really feel like such a coward and I’m back to square one with the awkwardness. Unfortunately, he is also my dr…as such I thought he would have walked away long ago as in hindsight I was so transparent. . Now I’m sweet again according to my love …and feeling so poorly I can’t stand my self or my heart ache..
Part of me is glad I haven’t totally lost him but then I don’t have him either. Our playful natures seemed very well matched…now I feel so alone. If anyone has any good advise so that I don’t have to worry this will never ever get better I’m ready. By the way…do you guys think our loves feel we are really dumb for having these thoughts..or have they played us a bit which perhaps seems to explain the indignant response. A bit awkward you know. I feel very very sad…like a god cry just will not cut it. He has e-mailed me telling me to smile and enjoy life as he knows I will…he wants me to remain his patient….just don’t get it.
Is there such a thing as the perfect moment to confess your love to someone? I was told once that there is no easy time to say a difficult thing. Those words are very true, and yet do not make my dilemma any easier.
Fear of rejection is always #1, but he is also my best friend so the rejection would be 10 times worse.
But what does one do when it seems they are running out of time? What if you can’t wait for that perfect moment to come, do you just take the plunge, balls out, and direct?
Hey Sunshine,
Really, there is no perfect time to confess what you suspect is an unrequited love. My only advice, such as it is, is to not confess your love until you’re willing to risk everything in order to do so. If you don’t feel that potentially losing the friendship is worth your love, maybe you could rethink how important it is for “him” to know how you feel, versus coming to terms with it yourself, and talking to others about it?
I told and am glad I did. It is a liberating experience. I do have to say it also changes the dynamics of the relationship. Once I confessed I lost any power I thought I had, she instantly became my unobtaianable Goddess. She gave me the “LJBF” talk, told me she isn’t ready for a relationship and besides she only has friendship feelings towards me. This hurt of course but it didn’t change my feelings. I was still head over heels in love with her. So it was a real mix of emotions, painful yet it also felt so good to get everything out in the open.
After my confession she called me as much as ever and we still spent a lot of time together. Yet some things really changed. She started telling me about her love life, all the guys she dated, guys she met at the club etc. She even talked about her sex life. I knew her for several months and had no idea of this side of her. I went from hearing nothing about it to everything about it. I guess she felt since she established we are just friends she can freely talk about this. I don’t consider myself the jealous type but I have to admit I did feel both jealous and hurt. I tried to hold these feeling inside the best I could.
This emotion surprised me but sometimes I would feel a tinge of excitement when she told me these stories… The whole idea that the object of my desires is not frigid and sexless, she is a sexual being..she has the need to feel pleasure…yet doesn’t consider myself as someone who could please or fullfill her in that area. What an intense mix of emotions this gave me.
Yet I would come back for more of it and loved every second we hung out together.
This is the real crux of the torture. It’s absolutely eating me up to tell her, but I simply can’t. I’m married. Plus, she’s my boss. If those two situations didn’t exist I would tell her, no matter of her own situation (she is currently in a non-marriage relationship).
What makes it even worse is that there are a few things that make me think I might at least have a shot if these two roadblocks were taken away. Not trying to be blind, I’ve bounced these off of a very honest and knowledgeable friend and they thought so also.
Though it would tremendously hurt to be rejected, I do understand that the odds of having my feelings reciprocated are infinitesimal. However, I so badly want her to know of my feelings. On top of the hurt, it seems that it would be a real loss and a huge shame for somebody to never know how somebody else felt this way about them.
Specifically, I want her to know she is loved this deeply.
Wow, this is my first time here. I came across this web by accident and I was like “This is what I want!”
I guess I am kind of surprised so many people is in this situation. But I think it is better not to tell the person you love. If you’re already sure the one you love has no similiar feelings towards you and telling wouldn’t change anything, then don’t do it. In my case, telling would break the friendship we have. That person might be a good friend or a good working partner, if not a lover. So sometimes it’s better to stay that way.
I think we both know that there is an attraction. We shouldn’t say anything about it. He asked me a question one day that I feel answered his question about whether anything can come of these feelings. He asked me if there ever was anyone I felt I would rather be with than my husband. I think he was referring to my feelings for him without actually coming out and saying it. I answered, yes, but I didn’t meet that person 20 years ago prior to being married. So, I guess I have to settle for being that person’s friend in order not to hurt my husband and kids.
Thank heavens for this site it has helped me calm down a lot and not be so hard on myself.
I have carried a torch for this man for two years and we’re both on our own with children and it seemed that we got on well and were compatible. He recently helped me with an employment problem and pulled out all the stops. We have had a lot of deep conversations and I found myself revealing things to him that only my closest girlfriends know and I felt he had reciprocated similarly and had noticed how he was asking me things like where I’d like to live and using “we” in conversations so I thought he might regard me in a romantic way but might be shy because I am a bit of a force of nature.
Anyway I decided to disclose my feelings asking him if there was ever a chance we could be more than friends because I liked, respected and admired him as a person and thought he was the real deal, genuine and without artifice. He replied that he had been told he was terrible at relationships and asked what form of commitment I was looking for to which I replied I wasn’t looking to get married but if together would expect him to be faithful to me which he said would be fine by him and that he wanted to go home and think about it and to call him in an hour and also come up for dinner the following weekend which I said yes to. I phoned him an hour later but rather than speak about my revelation he spoke about other stuff and we ended the conversation with me still in the dark.
Two days later I saw him and he acted as though he had never heard the words but asked me to call him as we needed to do some further work on my work problem. I phoned and we sorted out the work thing and chatted about some other topics but it was late and I knew we’d both need to get to bed so I asked if he had thought about what I had revealed and he said that he didn’t want a relationship as he was bad at them and was selfish so at least I got an answer. I then asked did he still want me to come for dinner at the weekend as things might be awkward and he said, “Well, it’s not as though we’ll be having sex so come over,” which I managed to laugh off but thought the comment was a little sharp.
So now I know what the score is but he still wants to be friends with all the heart to heart talks about life and the universe but I’m going to pull back for my own self preservation after the dinner. I thought about cancelling but then thought it would look petty but it doesn’t mean I have to do the girlfriend type things in the future like the heart to hearts, giving advice re children as his as younger than mine (he said he valued my opinions) or cooking for him as he is not short of friends that can take up the slack in that area as I am not prepared to do girlfriend-type things for someone clearly not interested – he cannot have his cake and eat it too.
Despite everything I’m still glad I disclosed my feelings because I was burning up with liking him, admiration and desire and now I can move forward after a grieving time to someone who wants to be with me and I will make sure that I don’t breach the wall into doing girlfriend-type things for him as he has other friends that can advise and support him.
Bless you LL.
His name is Elijah. I never thought I’d meet someome like him… like I couldn’t even think to that level of perfection. His smirk drives me crazy, and he can have anyone laughing for hours while having them fantasize about running long fingers through short, curly hair. *Sigh*. I met him when he was dating my best friend, even I finally broke down and told her I loved him. I also lied and first said we kissed then that me and him were in a relationship. He’s openly denied we went out but never to my face and he didn’t seem upset the one time I talked to him. I’ve heard he doesn’t like me, but I still love him… this was over a year ago`. What should I do?