Slightly Drunk Post
Posted By Lonesome Loser on November 27, 2009
Please forgive the overly personal nature of this post. I’m trying not to re-start my personal blog, I need it to be finished at some point, but I’m really feeling the desire to write from a personal perspective the last few days.
I’ve recently returned from Thanksgiving dinner at my (former) in-laws, while (ex)spouse is visiting a friend out of state. The dinner was fine, no problem. But I just find myself feeling lonely, thinking about how life offers no guarantees, and how most people seem to opt for stability and comfort in longterm relationships. I see this in my in-laws marriage — affection, comfort, social status, financial security. I bet they haven’t had sex in years. And I mean years. I wonder if I’m making a mistake by giving up this type of stability, in favor of a dream of sustainable romantic love. Sustainable being the key word there.
Many people do not have impassioned love affairs, do not really fall in love. More like they fall in “like,” or fall in “security of societal approval along with genuine affection/friendship and (marginally) good sex.” Really! Do you know what I mean? I just can’t do this, don’t want to do this any more. I’d rather die young after doing a few things I really want to do (travel, write, lots of recreational sex, improved career involvement), than be married and exist in this half-dead sort of blandness for decades of my life.
I hope my Loved One is truly happy with her husband, that they are truly in love and he treats her well. I hope this for them, as I hope I find it for myself. It’s so hard to let go of the feelings and fantasies about her, the way it feels that she is the one I really want. It’s so hard to give this up and hope that I can feel this way about someone else, when it feels like I never will.
Do you know what I mean? When will I be able to give up her ghost? And what ghost is really haunting me — her, childhood disappointments, my own fear of risk-taking and associated mediocrity, societal messages of couplehood, biological rhythms that drive the species onward?
Please let me fall in love again or just die early.
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