“I Love You” — “What?!”
Posted By Lonesome Loser on March 30, 2010
So, someone has declared their undying love for you. And you don’t feel the same. How uncomfortable! Someone saying they are in love with you when you don’t love them in return is an experience most of us wish we would never have. However, the truth is that it is actually an experience that most of us do have at least once in our lives. It tends to bring up a number of emotions, such as surprise, bafflement, anger, guilt, embarrassment, pity, shame, grief and pleasure. All of these are perfectly normal emotions for you to have in this situation.
As a Loved One, you might feel…
Surprise…that this person whom you may not know well suddenly announces they are in love with you. You may feel surprise that the person actually said what you had already known to be true.
Bafflement…that this person whom you may not know well could actually be in love with you, or believe themselves to be in love with you. Where did this come from? How could this have happened without your awareness of it (which it can)? You may feel baffled that a friend has somehow suddenly fallen in love with you and you hadn’t known.
Anger…at being placed in this uncomfortable position. Anger at this person crossing clear boundaries to tell you this clearly inappropriate or unwanted set of feelings. Anger at how this person, who previously had been very nice or accommodating, has suddenly become difficult and rejecting just because you didn’t want to date them or rush off to bed with them. Anger at how this person has single-handedly changed the nature of your relationship with them, despite your satisfaction at the level of involvement you had before — either very little closeness, or closeness based on friendship. Anger at this person for continuing to seek contact with you after you have made it clear you’re not interested. Anger at being placed in the position of having to reject someone, possibly someone you care about.
Guilt…because you wonder if there was something you said or did to lead the person on in some way? Guilt because sort of goes against basic human nature to reject or turn down a sincere offer of love and caring — although you have every right to not return the person’s feelings, and every right (and perhaps responsibility) to limit contact with the person. Guilt at enjoying the ego boost you may receive at being the focus of such intense and very positive feelings. Guilt at enjoying feeling sexually attractive to the person, when you don’t feel the same.
Embarrassment…at being the focus of feelings the person may sometimes very publicly display. Embarrassment at how ridiculously over the top this person’s declarations may seem to you.
Pity…for the person and how difficult this experience must be for them. Frankly, pity at how the person could possibly have misperceived your relationship or feelings so completely, or be so socially “off.” Pity that the person does not seem to have romantic love in their life right now.
Shame…at the minimal impact this person’s declaration of love has on you. Shame for feeling pity for the person. Shame for knowing there were some ways in which you encouraged or lead the person on.
Grief…at how profoundly your relationship with this person will have to change. Grief at the loss of a good friend.
Pleasure…at being loved, even if you don’t feel the same. Pleasure for being perceived as so attractive or wonderful by this person.
It’s normal to experience one or more or all of these emotions when you are the focus of someone’s unrequited love. You may find yourself cycling through several of the emotions at various points in time. Not all of these emotions may apply to you, or you may have emotions I haven’t discussed here.
Fundamentally, try and remember two things:
- it’s not your fault, the person’s feelings are not your responsibility
- unrequited love is painful, try to empathize with the person’s pain
I admitted my love through one of his friends. I had anonymously given him a card and a box of chocolates as a belated valentine’s gift three days before. Most people in my science group were convinced it was me but the object of my affections denied it.Then I told one of his friends that it I who had sent the presents and upon hearing this, his friend rushed across the room and told him that I was the culprit.
The intriguing young man who had stolen my heart turned his head and gave me a sheepish grin. He turned back, sank into his seat and apparently turned scarlet red.
And the only the reaction I got was a cold shoulder from the object of my affections and grief form his friends who took pleasure in mocking me.
From his reaction, I gather he felt incredibly embarrassed and angry. He is not a friend to me, but an acquaintance.
We reunited after ten years and it was an intense, fantastic, passionate explosion of chemistry that was totally unexpected. In our past, he was my best friend for two years. A guy that I wanted to love romantically, but didn’t for some reason or another.
In the present, our amazing reunion inspired us to spend the weekend together to see how we really felt. (We live in different cities). I was enamored of him. Our bond was never severed, and our unique connection — to me — is not an everyday occurrence.
The whole time he acted though he felt the same as I did. Affectionate, saying things like, “I want to be with you,” and on the way to the airport for my departure, “Should I turn the car around?”
Alas, it was not to be. Our first phone conversation after my return home ended with him saying that he didn’t feel “the butterflies,” and he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to. But nevertheless, the way he felt wasn’t enough to warrant an attempt at a romantic relationship in some shape or form.
I’m devastated.
Wow! That’s really crappy. That is stupefying.
Nerdy, this also strikes me as really crappy. I can’t believe he acted like it never happened, never addressed it with you at all.
See the list in the article? I went through every one of those feelings (if not more), in a blurry whirlwind, and I truly regret my actions, which affected him, and (quite deservingly) me too…
I said no at the beginning – not even friends – to avoid it blowing up. Then seeing his heart break (I didn’t understand from what exactly but it did), so did mine (though not out of love persay for him), and I tried to cut off completely (quite cruelly)…but he didn’t give up. It was affecting his health, his work etc..he was involved in a car accident because of lack of focus, so I said fine – friends is all I can offer and never more- he accepted and I believed him…in hindsight, though I was true to my feelings which never moved beyond friendship and being a listening ear for him, he was becoming more and more attached, and I wasn’t backing off (my mistake)..he dreamed up a future and would tell me about it – I’d respond with silence or a pitiful no – thats not reality…
Recently realising I wasn’t being fair to him because I was accepting his love, adoration ect and only returning friendship, I decided to cut off – i.e. not going out of my way to meet etc, but being amicable if we should happen to meet – i warned him I’d do so, and his response was ‘whatever makes you happy’, with him being convinced that i’d be torturing myself, because he could tell I’d developed feelings (from my side – my friendship)…
It blew up when he asked for me to meet him for something important to tell me – I said no and for him to tell me over the phone call – he asked me to take a good look at how much he had sacrificed of his true feelings and pain to give me what I wanted (friendship), and of how despite that I had only thought of my own rest and not budged to give anything back…
Conclusion: I hurt a loving man with a beautiful heart by leading him on to believe I could offer more even though I can’t. I know I don’t deserve his love anyway, but I don’t know how I can make it up to him…I know he deserves better, and that he will get it because he is a beautiful person, but it truly grieved me to know what I have done and what I could have stopped if only I had made different and more assertive choices earlier..
Anyway, sorry for the length of this comment – I read your article, it struck a chord with my own 24-hour-ago-fresh situation and I just decided to share – sorry.
Hi “Guilty,” I wanted to thank you for your comment and sharing your experience. It is clear you are a caring person who got caught up in this unrequited love dynamic and not wanting to hurt another person. It sounds to me like you handled the situation with maturity and as much empathy and caring as possible. I would like to think my own unrequited love object might have behaved or felt similarly, if I had given her the chance. It’s great that you posted this, since many people experience being the object of unrequited love as solely a pain in the butt that they really don’t want to deal with.
in my case it was he who started it and got me hooked but alas it was only a game to him, i didn’t even notice him the first time i met him; it became an on again off again sort of thing with him telling me he wanted to be with me then backing off; we finally got together and he told me he couldn’t get out of his mind that first time we met, that he was attracted to me, he felt the “butterflies” or so he said; i told him yeah! infatuation… long story short i blurted out that i loved him and tried to fix it by saying not love, love he said he understood, we spent a glorious time together (glorious for me at least) after which he started to ignore me, so i confronted him and he told me i didn’t mean anything to him… i grieve (i was just a fling to him) and now i know some men (and women) are skunks
Sheesh! Yes, some people surely are skunks. I think it’s exceptionally rude when people do all that back and forth ambivalence or game-playing, then try to cover their own responsibility by saying you mean nothing to them, after they worked so hard to elicit a response from you. >:(
[...] for myself, so I can untangle it and move on. Unrequited love is one of those tragic things that I find difficult to process, no matter which side of the equation I happen to be [...]
hey…
)
I came out of a difficult experience of being the object of unrequited love…difficult because it hurt us both (him: for the obvious reason of being rejected/having his hopes crushed, and me: because I didn’t want to do that to him..I didn’t want to hurt him…and i lost someone i love as a person – not more..I love him for the person he is in my life, for what I learn from him etc…like any one of my friends).
Anyway, I was sort of in hiding to avoid him (same ‘hang-out’ areas in the same community), and to get over the whole thing, when I unsuspectingly fall into the same thing all over again with person #2! Am i dumb or what?! (rhetorical – I know the answer!
Here I am throwing myself into a bit of community service with a new, small group of people, and person #2 joins/comes back (apparently he was away for the few weeks i was starting to get into it). Everything is fine with me doing my part and leaving – no contact other than a ‘hi&bye’, because it’s not necessary, and because I have my walls high up from my last episode. Anyway, on one occasion, circumstances have it that he is given my number as a contact for us all to meet at our destination. I didn’t really want that, but am soon relieved when two months go bye with the normal setup of ‘hi&bye’ happening (i.e. he didn’t abuse that he had my number or contact me other than that one time he really had to).
So this is where I don’t know where it went wrong..after 2 months of seeing/talking to him only when in a group and pretty much only re: what we were all involved in, I get approached by 2 different old friends of mine (within a week), with an awkward “would you be interested in…’person#2′”?! Turns out he was so interested by this time, that he’d done his research, dug up old mentors/friends of mine and gone to get them to ask me about him…I said no to them, and oddly, the next times I would see him, he expressed nothing! No emotion, no sign of having asked anyone to come to me…nothing! It made me question if they really had…!
Then it continued..but this time – he would directly hint at something, then when I refused, he’d turn emotionless/blank-faced…over and over again (it made me question my sanity at one point!)
This continued, with him professing deep feelings of love, and when I told him I didn’t feel the same way, he said he had hope I would change my mind, and that he would wait for me to!
At this point I was a bit in despair at history repeating itself so soon..and i flatly said no, and disappeared again…which is where I find myself now…
I think it might be safer this way because I’m obviously doing something wrong even though I can’t pinpoint it at all especially since I’d just come out of a yucky situation, so I definitely was not amicable or inviting in anyway (rather the opposite I was told by my friends at the time!)…
anyway..that’s my twice in a row story – sorry for blabbing!
Wow, how uncomfortable for you. It actually doesn’t need to be “your fault” in any way. You may just be an attractive, intelligent, friendly woman “of a certain age” – that in itself will increase your risk for being a Loved One.
It sounds like the second guy was just a typical unrequited lover with low self-esteem — terrified of actually showing his feelings in your presence until he had tested the waters a bit by asking mutual friends to approach you. Also typically he just wasn’t hearing your “no” responses. Not your fault, you did the right thing by being clear in your response and then limiting further contact.
That’s sweet of you – thank you. Though I can’t take credit for being any of those things – I’m your pretty average, nothing-special female, so no – it’s no like I blinded anyone with beauty or wowed them with brains
..I’m guessing it was simple naivety with being nice (misinterpreted by him) to the 1st guy – but the second guy?… I don’t know what happened there. Like i said, I had my guard up, so I don’t know.
Thanks for responding anyhow.
Better luck to other people out there