Unrequited Love

Posted By Lonesome Loser on July 30, 2010

The perspectives of the Loved Ones are discussed and will continue to be discussed in various posts on this blog, but this post in particular is intended to be the more matter-of-fact, “How to Handle a Declaration of Unrequited Love, For Dummies” version.

First, you need to decide (and this shouldn’t be difficult) whether the person who is declaring their love is an acquaintance or a friend.  An acquaintance would be someone like a classmate or work colleague that you didn’t spend time with socially, or a friend of a friend, etc.  A friend is someone you are close friends with, or at least see socially fairly frequently, or perhaps an in-law (believe me, it does happen).

If your Would-Be Lover is an Acquaintance:

1. Allow them to express their feelings verbally, just once.
2. Look them in the eye and say “Thank you.  I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way about you.”  Repeat as necessary.
3. Do not deviate from the above message.
4. If possible, cease all contact with the person (e.g., change your carpool, sit at a different desk in class, take your lunch break in a different area). Ideally, ceasing all contact is the would-be lover’s responsibility, but this doesn’t always happen and if you want to decrease your overall discomfort as well as be as kind as possible to the person, this is what I recommend.
5. That’s it.  That is the best thing you can do — allow them to tell you how they feel, make it clear you do not feel the same, and eliminate or reduce contact with the person.

If your Would-Be Love is a Friend:

This is much more difficult and requires more delicate handling.

1. Allow them to express their feelings verbally, just once.
2. Look them in the eye and say “Thank you.  I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way about you.”  Repeat as necessary.
3. Do not deviate from the above message.
4. Decide whether you want to continue the friendship or not.  If this is a so-so friend, someone you are not that close with, I would recommend ending contact as being more humane for everyone concerned.  However, if this is an in-law, you will have to maintain SOME type of cordial relationship with the person.  If this is a close friend, it’s understandable that you would want your friendship to weather this crisis, and it is a crisis, you must understand that.
5. If you decide to continue the friendship, it is imperative that you refrain from giving any type of sexual or romantic signals to the person.  It is frequently the case that friendships contain a certain amount of flirtation or sexual energy, this is normal.  However, if your unfortunate friend has fallen in romantic love with you, it is important that your communication be as honest and flirtation-free as possible.
6. Do not indulge in long, drawn-out conversations with your friend about their feelings.  This will only tend to give the person hope that you might be wooed into changing your mind, even if the person consciously “knows better.”
7. I recommend decreasing contact with your friend, at least for a while, to allow them to process the rejection, their feelings, and decide for themselves if they can continue a friendship with you.
8. Unrequited love happens.  It’s not your fault or your responsibility (beyond a certain degree of humane response).  Free yourself from any guilt and go on with your life.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: helpful tips, loved ones