When Friends would be Lovers
Posted By Lonesome Loser on July 18, 2011
This post is in response to an email sent by a reader around July 5th…
To “Jenn” regarding “John”:
Hi Jenn,Let me make sure I understand. You heard John say he had a former crush on someone from a long time ago? Or is this a recent crush? The good thing to come of all this so far is that you realized you are in love — painful, but a positive and healthy experience to have, overall. It’s difficult with close friends they way you and John are. Generally, the friend who is loved does not recognize their friend as a potential romantic partner. However, this can sometimes be because the Loved One is splitting emotional closeness from sexual attraction — that it is too uncomfortable for the person to feel sexual attraction for the close friend. Sometimes this ends with the Would-be Lover being turned down and in pain, sometimes it ends in the Loved One recognizing they are attracted to their friend. From what you’ve told me, I would agree you have a chance, but there is no certainty or guarantee. What if you approached John with more like a “have you ever thought of us dating each other?” or “I’d be interested in dating you, I think you’re interesting and attractive.” Basically, giving him some hint you kind of like him, but holding back from a full-blown “I’m in love with you.” Let me know how things go… LL
For general readers:
It’s always complicated as well as difficult when you fall in love with a close friend. First things first, are you sure you’re being rejected or have been rejected by your friend/Loved One? If you haven’t told them or shown them how you feel, you don’t really know how they will respond. Please value yourself by assuming you do have something to offer, and have no reason to feel your love will be an embarrassment or a source of shame for your Loved One. Life is too short to keep feelings of love to yourself simply because you are afraid to express them.
If it is a situation where you have good reason to believe your friend does not return your love, then you have a decision to make. Do you express your feelings and risk losing the friendship, or keep quiet and torture yourself? This must be your decision, but I would urge you to consider why you might want to remain in a friendship indefinitely with someone who you romantically love? This can be a way of avoiding intimacy with someone who could truly return your feelings. Or it might be a difficult situation that leaves you willing to “settle” for your Loved One’s friendship, such as they or you are married, or have incompatible sexual orientations. Either way, I believe it’s unproductive to remain in a platonic relationship with someone who you romantically love. Of course, recognizing the futility of our position does nothing to change feelings, I know. Ultimately, we each move on from unrequited love in our own time-frame.
I agree with all your points–I decided to take the risk and tell my friend that I loved him. He told me that he only sees me as a friend and that’s all it would ever be. It was devastating, but I don’t regret loving him–we are still friends but its mostly because I just can’t let the idea of him go. It’s hard, but I would rather have him in my lfe asa friend than not at all. One day I hope I can let the love go–until then, I live with the pain.