About Website
The intention of this website is to explore the nature of unrequited love from both experiential and social psychological perspectives. It includes articles and discussions of unrequited love from a non-pathologized viewpoint, links and a bookstore (via amazon.com) containing recommendations that might be of help or interest to the unrequited lover, an open invitation to participate in surveys on the experience of unrequited love from the perspectives of the rejected would-be lover and/or the object of unsolicited affection, prose poetry based on the site author’s personal experience (forgive me), and a “graffiti wall” for all to write the name of their unbegotten love.
Unrequited love is the experience of being in love with someone who does not return your feelings of love. Typical “symptoms” of being in love in general include intrusive thoughts and fantasies about the loved one, feeling elated and energized, difficulty sleeping and eating, and other symptoms of general physiological arousal such as rapid heart rate, rapid breathing, and trembling hands. It is characterized most importantly by a strong desire for emotional union, and to a (minusculely) lesser degree, sexual union. It is experienced as involuntary, out of one’s control, as something that just happens. The most intense phase of being in love lasts 12-36 months, with about 18 months being the average length of time.
As I dug around for descriptions and experiences of unrequited love, seeking enlightenment, seeking company for my misery, I found that the experience referred to as unrequited love is most often treated with condescension, casually dismissed, or pathologized as some sort of character flaw. Of course unrequited love, like reciprocated romantic love, does not involve the level of intimacy of a longterm committed relationship. However, it is a mistake to assume unrequited love is short-lived, fairly easy to get over, or has the emotional depth of a pre-teen’s crush on a film star. A major reason why the idea of this website seemed to get kind of stuck in my mind was the desire to refute this inaccurate characterization and argue for the more generous viewpoint of unrequited love as love – nothing more and certainly nothing less than the feelings we all experience at the outset of a romantic passion. I offer that unrequited love is simply romantic love or passionate love that for whatever reason does not result in a relationship. It is the same complex mix of feelings, thoughts, and motivations experienced by lovers everywhere. Unrequited love, having no place to express and nurture itself, spins around and around like a whirlpool inside the would-be lover. It lasts just as long (1-3 years), is just as all-consuming, and can be just as transformative.
I am a psychotherapist in a large urban environment, and a professor at a local university. I created this website as a form of personal therapy after a particularly impactful experience of unrequited love for a former student. Not being able to express my feelings directly to this woman, I wanted to at least express some of my thoughts and feelings to somebody. You, dear websurfer, are that somebody. Why the cloak and dagger routine, you may ask? Simple. I like to teach and want to be able to continue to do so. While a loss of job not being a guaranteed outcome if I came forward less anonymously, in today’s rather parentified educational climate it’s still a risk I’m not willing to take.
Thank you so much for this website. It is so nice to know that other people are going through this and it is a common enough thing to make a website out of. Thank you for the breif discription of love. Good to know what is going on. I thought I was exagerating when I said I was in love. And now I know to not to denie it. Thank you!
Lonesome loser…I have posted comments on the Naming wall,and I have listened to your story…Would you listen to mine?Hey,am I the only teen boy who goes on this website?Do you know?
Hi Emo,
Sure, I’ll listen to your story. Feel free to email me through the “contact the author” page, or write your story as a comment in response to one of the posts where you see it as appropriate or a good fit. I’m quite sure you are NOT the only teen boy who has visited this site. Responses to the surveys suggest about 50% of the respondents are under age 25.
Okay,um…thank you.You have no idea how much this means to me…but is it alright if I use this post to tell you my story?You see,I’m actually not using a PC to browse the internet,i’m using a handheld device.So I don’t think I can reach you by email.I wanted to ask you that before posting anything.I…I want to apologize for putting all those messages on the naming wall.I misunderstood the purpose of it,and I got carried away.I’m really sorry…I just want your permission to use this post.Please reply.
Ok, go ahead and post your story here. Alternately, you probably could send it via the contact page because it is a form, not a direct email?
Well,I’m going try your email thing to see if it works.If not,then I will put it here,but it will be in parts ’cause either my device(or your website)doesn’t give me enough room in the box to tell it all and my story is kinda long.If I use the email,my adress will have to be a fake one.Sorry!
Hi,
I stumbled across this site while surfing the internet in search of anyone who might understand and share my predicament. Do you have a forum where people can introduce themselves and tell of their experiences with unrequited love?
I am now 34 and have experienced intense feelings for one particular person at a time, almost continuously since before puberty. I have not had a partner in the last decade and have fallen in love with more people than I can count – they all reject me. Not a day goes by without feeling the hunger for a loving partnership and for one person in particular. The current one is an actor I saw on TV. I wrote to him a few months back – ha – he probably thinks I am a nutcase.
I feel so hopeless because I see people around having relationships and building rich lives together. I’m a good person with many qualities, but every time I feel passion, the person in question runs – and when I don’t feel it, I can’t force or pretend. So I remain single.
Thanks for reading and hopefully I can participate in forum discussions! With 25 years’ experience of dealing with and thinking about this stuff, I think I can call myself an expert!
Angelina
3 years ago I fell in love with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life…the perfect girl.The perfect american girl of my heart.Oh,she’s the only one who makes me sad…the only girl who could bring me to my knees.She doesn’t even know me,and it makes me sad.I don’t exist to her.I’d do anything to have her to myself…just to have her for myself.Haley Michelle Ramm…Does that sound familiar to you? To be continued…
She is everything and more…whenever I see her beautiful face,I just want to kiss her and hold her in my arms forever…so warm,tender,loving and protecting…and I just want to kiss her…savor that moment to show her how passionate I feel for her.I will NEVER fall in love with anyone else.My heart belongs to her only.No other beautiful soul could ever buy me away from her…Haley Michelle Ramm,I love you please be mine…
Hi Angelina,
The website doesn’t actually have a forum associated with it. However, many people comment on the posts and exchange stories, support, and information that way. Look through the site and comment on whatever posts (or comments to posts) that strike your fancy. I’m glad you found the site, and hope you find it helpful.
LL
She’s so everything…while I am nothing.She is everything that I am not.Her beauty has left me breathless.The very thought of another boy having her devastates me.I fall,choke,tears streaming down my face.Do you know how much that hurts?To have another person touching and kissing the one you love,while you are alone,left behind in the rain?I have to have her…I want her to be mine,but no matter what happens,I am hers forever…
Well,now you know my story.I want to contact her…I want to try to make things work with her…I want her to know how I feel…Lonsome loser…I need some advice.I need guidance.What do I do now?Do I come on too strong?What should I say to her?I just need some advice.Sorry if I ask too many questions…
Hi Emo,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now. If I’m reading your story correctly, it sounds like you haven’t met Haley in person, she is not someone you have ever met? It’s normal to develop strong feelings for celebrities or other unavailable people, especially in our teen years. When I was about your age, I had a major obsession with Stevie Nicks.
As for what to do, you could send her a fan letter, but beyond that I strongly advise you not to contact her at all. This doesn’t mean you have to change your feelings, or stop being in love. But I don’t think this situation is going to work out for you, and I think you contacting her will only make things worse for you. You’re likely to get yourself more worked up, and at some point Haley (or those around her like her agents or assistants) may become alarmed by repeated attempts to contact her.
In addition, I hear a strong theme of you being “nothing,” which isn’t true. I would suggest you focus on positive relationships you have with friends or family, rather than on feeling like “nothing” or not good enough.
You’re not alone, there are plenty of us who are suffering from painful unrequited love. It’s difficult, but it will pass at some point — you won’t forget how you feel, but it will become much less painful and all-consuming.
LL
*crying*…Thank you…thank you for telling me that.But please know this,I only have good intentions,and…even if I ever did contact her or ever meet her in person…I could NEVER allow myself to do something I would regret.I have to find some other way…I cannot let go.I do NOT like a beautiful girl that I am in love with put before me that I cannot have.My heart will not take that lying down…All I want is a chance…is that too much to ask for?
I need help…someone…anyone…Please help…I cannot live without her…I tried so hard.Everyday goes by…without her,every breath feels like a funeral…a burning sigh of longing and desire…please help me…anyone.My e-mail is vermilionboy14@yahoo.com…..
Hello everyone. It’s a horrible way to feel, isn’t it?
I never saw him as any more than a friend. And we were good friends, we got along well and had a lot of the same interests, even though he’s nearly twenty years older than me. One day he said he thought I was pretty. Me, being the idiot that I am, thought nothing of it. He made a few more comments like this the next few times I saw him, but none of it meant anything to me. Before you think that it’s creepy, you have to understand that he’s the nicest guy in the world. I’ve had much older guys come onto me before, and it freaked me out. Maybe I just didn’t realise with this guy because he was just so lovely about it all.
Anyway, a few weeks afterwards, he asked me too kiss him. He walked over to the door to make sure no one was there, turned around and just said it. I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming, but I didn’t and I was so shocked I said no without even thinking. I could see that I’d hurt his feelings, he even asked me not to be mad at him. I think he still regrets it.
A few days later, the guilt began to set in and it hasn’t gone away. It’s been nearly a year and a half, and it still hasn’t gone away. I don’t even know if I really love him or I just feel bad, I think it’s a bit of both. I just want to tell him how sorry I am. I know I’ll never get another chance and even if I did, I don’t know if I’d be able to take it. I’m too insecure. I haven’t been able to look at another guy since, and I’m so consumed by the guilt, it’s depressing.
I’ve read ‘guides’ for getting over unrequited love, but nothing helps. They all say ‘accept that they don’t love you, understand why they don’t love you, realise that they’re better off without you, etc.’, but the problem is, he obviously wanted to be with me at some point, he obviously felt something for me at one point, and he’s still awkward around me, so for all I know he could feel the same way. The only conclusion I have been able to come to is that it’s all my fault.
He’s moving next week and I’ll probably never see him again. I know this is unhealthy and it’s probably for my own good, but I just want to be able to tell him how sorry I am for everything. More than anything, I just want to know if he still feels anything at all for me. I’d settle for just being friends again. We’ve barely spoken since then and I miss him.
I don’t know if I love him anymore. I’m so mad at the moment, I’m being faced with a reality that I can’t ignore. He is just another extremely flawed human.
I just found out he had a girlfriend the whole time. He wanted to cheat on her with me. I feel used. I feel like all that time was wasted on him. If he was willing to do that to her, how can I expect him to care about me?
Again great piece lonesome loser-if this is you-i always enjoy your input on unrequited love. i am in love with a man so deeply who is so perdct and of course will never reciprocate, but my love for him is forever. great site!
That should have said perfect. also, l.l. i applaud you for putting the truth out there about unrequited love. it is most real as those of us in love know too well. our hoped for lovers are loved just likd lovers in relationships are, even to a greater d2
…degree as our love is never returned. while people in mutual relationships cant or wont believe this, we who do love others although unrequited knoxw how joyous as well as painful it is.
Hi,
Found this site while trolling “unrequited love”. It’s funny I first misspelled it “unrequired love” which I guess it also it. The object of my affections is someone I knew a long time ago. In fact, I’m in my 40′s and this happened the last year of high school/first year of college. I went out with Tom for two years, and then met someone else. I was dating both guys and the other guy Jared gave me an ultimatum: it’s him or me. In my young confusion (I was 18) I left Tom for Jared. Jared and I got married, and ten years later Jared came out as openly gay and met someone and left me. Then a few years later I got remarried to Brett. Brett suffered from seizures from a car accident. Brett lost his memory after that and could not have sex on a regular basis. In the meantime I come across Tom on the internet, he’s a professor at an ivy league college. This is 20 years later. I write him, he writes me back, but his letter is polite and cold. I wrote back something sarcastic and I never heard from him again. That was three years ago. Since then I have been unable to think of anyone but him, realized he was the one, also sorry that I was sarcastic to him, that I could have had a nice correspondence with him. I think about Tom constantly, from the time I wake up to when I go to bed, and even have had dreams about him. I truly believe he was the one but I made the wrong choice back then out of pressure. I know he’ll never contact me, we live in different states and there is no way we would ever get together (He’s married, two kids). I have spoken to people, even a therapist, about him, but it’s gotten to the point where I see people roll their eyes if I start talking about Tom.
I’d like to suggest a new comment thread entitled “What happened after you confessed?” I went off on a rant and told the man that I love exactly how I feel about him and wished him luck in life. I’d decided to bail out. Has anyone else made a similar decision? What was the outcome? For me, while he didn’t declare his undying love for me he didn’t reject me either. He stated that he would miss our friendship, but that our feelings for each other were incompatible. At first I decided not to respond. After all, I’d attempted to force an end to it all. But I eventually told him that I made my feelings known because I saw continuing to pretend that I felt only friendly feelings as a lie that would destroy our friendship eventually. I told him that I’d like to remain friends if he was comfortable with that. And, rather than saying that he was uncomfortable, didn’t want to deal with it, whatever, he made it clear in no uncertain terms that I’m someone who matters to him. Has anyone else fallen in love with someone who they also love and respect as a friend? Have you confessed how you feel? If so, what happened? He and I are very far apart geographically right now and we’re both married to other people, but we’re working on our friendship and working on keeping each other close as friends. For my part, I’ve begun counseling. I love him dearly and want him in my life always, and in my opinion my unrequited romantic love for him isn’t worth losing him over. How much I love him, truly love him as a human being, how wonderful he makes me feel inside and how clearly and simply he returns those feelings makes it very important to me to find a way to manage my desire to have a relationship with him beyond friendship. Are there others here in similar situations?
It’s not that it’s unrequited. I believe he feels the same but he can’t act on those feelings and neither of us can say how we feel with words but I found this poem (changed man to woman) that describes what I feel for him.
Am I so wrong being such a woman?
For catching that playful glint in your eyes
Unseen by busy others in the room
Sent by that playful, teasing moon
To catch only the eye of one who
Spoke the language of glint in a glance
Fluently, seductively, silently to you
Secretly, shamelessly in front of the faces
Of all those standing between us here
Can average lovers describe those moments?
Perhaps it is best to not ask, best, they not try
But just take the intensity and warmly smile
Take the stirring excitement and damply touch
Full lips gently against our wine glasses and glance
Our sign, unseen, that from this moment on
We are entwined in this lover’s madness
Secretly, shamelessly oblivious too
Dancing past the blurred faces around us
Was I so wrong being such a lover?
Sharing life with everyone I knew.
Do words actually exist for others to learn?
This subtle, sensuous language of glint
Oh yes, it requires playful confidence
Found only in moonlit lashes, the scent
Of a beautiful woman left to stand alone
That split second where her vulnerability
Is exposed, needing to be unseen, or rescued
By only the fluency of glinting eyes, seductively
Silently, masterly in this body language of lovers
Was I so wrong being such a lover?
I have lived only for and by the teasing moon
A silent quest to love such lovely strangers
Receptive lovers of glint and spontaneity alike
All know the answers, they know the thrill
I met you this way, we both knew the heights we’d share
We both knew that we never had to speak, in words
In any moon, in any crowd, alone, seeking moonlit glinting eyes
That look, that scent, taste, that intense forbidden rush, I’ve shared
Catch his eyes everywhere.
Playful, teasing moon catch his eyes so
Catch them glinting, each day we live as lovers
Dancing in our lover’s world, past the years blurred
Carry our secrets, our desires throughout all time
So if time shows, only our faces and hearts so old
Then playful, teasing moon always let new lovers dream
Tell them of our secret love, our lives and why, there’s glint in every moonbeam…
Hi, just an intro to my post. Its very long! Sorry if thats an inconvenience to anyone. I actually wrote it for something else but i feel it might be of comfort or support to anyone who has shared a similar experience.
i have suffered from unrequited love for many years now over a girl i met in college. its a hard road to walk and my attempts to move on have had varying levels of success. i’ve had lots of relationships but they never last more than a month or two. ultimately i tend to end up back where i started longing for this one girl. the story is quite personal so i’ll be changing the name of the girl in question. Its quite a long story but its good to get it out there and off my chest. Unrequited love for one girl has caused me depression, anxiety and panic attacks over the years and has ruined relationships with many lovely women. I hope someone can learn from my experience or at least feel a little better. I would not wish these feelings on my worst enemy.
I met Mary at foundation college, i was just out of school and had loads of female friends and had had a few girlfriends. Mary was however the first girl i really bonded with. By the end of the first day we were working together sharing a set of headphones. We discussed going out, i told her i thought she was amazing, she told me she had just come out of a serious relationship and was just enjoying getting to know me so i left it at that. we hung out all the time. our friends described us as a married couple the way we would bicker and play together. it was very innocent and naive of me to be so oblivious to what was happening, i realize now that i was falling in love.
I was devastated when she told me she was dating her boss from work, older richer and cooler than me. To make matters worse, the whole thing was so highly charged and she was incredibly loved up They had had an affair until the boss dumped his live in girlfriend and they moved in together. At this point I was at a crossroads (this is where the cautionary tale aspect of my story kicks in i guess) and I had to decide how I felt about the matter. I’m not bad looking and socially confident, I figured I could keep Mary as the wonderful friend she was while going out with all the girls I wanted. Young and inexperienced, I felt it wasn’t a big deal and there were plenty more fish in the sea.
Our course was only one year and we went to a prospective college fair to seek out courses that may interest us and talk to staff. over 100 courses were on offer. I chose one that looked fantastic and later informed Mary of my choice, she excitedly informed me that she had chosen the same one. To cut a long story short, we spent much of the next 3 years on the same course, living together and hanging out with a lot of the same friends. In that time there have been many times when we behaved towards each other in ways friend don’t, or shouldn’t. I think part of our friendship was build on this huge sexual tension. By the end of my last year at college it hit me in the face like an anvil that I loved this girl. The exact moment was horrible, I heard her having sex with her boyfriend through the wall and rather than giggling like I would with most friends, I just died inside and had a panic attack. College ended and my housemates and moved to another property together. I moved to the other side of the city and gradually tried to distance myself from Mary. I thought about her all the time and although it was great on the occasions we did hang out, I was a mess for a few days after and would just disappear and smoke weed to forget about the world. She was friends with my friends and I was even quite close to her long term boyfriend (so much worse when he’s a lovely guy!).
In the end, I moved to the other side of the world, NYC was a revelation for me. I got heavily into drawing, I played and sung in a band, I played in a football (soccer) team, I dated lots of girls, but I still thought about Mary every day. On a visit home I decided to tell her my feelings. I took her to the park and we had a bottle of wine together. She was still in the same relationship and I was not hitting on her, I needed to explain why things had been so weird. She was lovely and caring as I knew she would be and I really felt that by getting my feelings out there I had taken a huge step towards getting over her.
However, when I moved back home after two years I got a call. She had split with her boyfriend and wanted to see me. I went to meet her, my heart tearing with anticipation born from allowing myself to imagine a best case scenario from the meeting. She however, wanted to talk to a friend about her boyfriend. I felt it was unfair to ask me to be that friend as well as very stupid for getting my hopes up. It did not end well. Another time we went out we got into and argument because she felt I was flirting with her. I said now that she was single I should be allowed to try and win her heart and she told me that she would never fancy me so I should stop. We met up one more time to talk and I explained that my feelings for her just would not go away and for the time being it was unhealthy for us to spend time together. Occasionally we see each other when we get our friends from college out for drinks. She says she misses me and its been too long and I return the sentiment. All I’m thinking though is why can’t you love me like I love you or at least try and open up and give me one chance.
They say absence makes the hart grow fonder, I hardly ever see her but I still think about her every day, run through conversations in my mind with her. Its been ten years since I met her now. I guess its a bit obsessive but I’m not the stalker type. I have banned my self from her facebook page and try to do something else when I think of her. I fear I’m so damaged by it that I will not be able to fall in love again. A few girls came close but I screwed it up. No matter how hard you try, life can still be a bitch. I’m writing this as a response to the fact I woke up this morning covered in sweat and very freaked out after having a particularly bad anxiety dream about you know who.
Loveisthedevil> She wont love you because she is a using cunt. I hope you find someone.
Lonesome Loser Do you mind reading my story?
I’ve had this crush on a girl Helena, it’s a beautiful feeling that feels so brilliant but as time goes by and things don’t go according to plan can hurt like a dagger in your heart. I’ve had this feeling since early in my school year and I’ve never had much chance to speak to her and she barely knows me don’t get me wrong I’ve spoken to her but never anything flirty or anything I was hoping being nice would build up a friendship but now my schools almost over because this is the last year of compulsory education (in the UK) and she’s going to another school for the next two years plus I’m pretty sure some other guy’s flirting with her :( this is the third time unrequited love has happened to me why can’t my feelings ever be returned?
Hi Fuzzy Blue Elf,
Sure, I’ll read your story. I hear you, it’s a very frustrating feeling. Honestly, I would highly recommend trying to flirt some with Helena. You’re jealous that this other guy is flirting with her, and you’re able to talk with her in general, but you haven’t flirted with her yourself. Give it a try! You don’t have to go over the top or declare yourself, just try some playful banter or something. See how she responds…
LL
I will try and thank you for reading my story although it won’t end how I want it to a funny ending to this crush will be better than a sad one.
I’m kinda up for a discussion
I honestly do wonder why we all fall for someone that isn’t going to return our emotions I mean for me I almost always fall for some girl I rarely talk to who isn’t in my friendship group.
a brief history of the unrequited loves of my life
near the end of my junior school (I was about 10 or 11) I was friends with a girl called Rebecca nicknamed “Becky” she was a great friend possibly the closest I ever got to any of my loved ones I mean we both liked each other’s sense of humour and you know once I started having feelings for her my friend went out with her I know it wasn’t a serious relationship and I didn’t care much for it but still then as time went on we grew apart
so on to the next one I had started my high school where I met Brooke who I kinda fell for at first sight and infact I managed to become friends with her not close friends but still friends she found me hilarious however although I never wanted a relationship at these young ages because they would be very short lived I never asked them out I did like Brooke for 4 years (I know pathetic right?) and each year I liked her more until the last year when I got over her due to the fact she was never single and only dated older guys
so then in the last year one day I’m completely happy with everything and then the next morning I have crush on Helena a girl from my class who I don’t speak to often and I got high hopes this might be the one time the situation turns around however now looking at it in retrospect it’s the worst situation I’ve been in I mean this time I’m thinking of her 24/7 and I barely speak to her mainly because I rarely see her what is the meaning of this? I don’t mind liking her but if this is the reality then I don’t want to I just want my love to be returned for once is that really too much to ask for?
Hey Fuzzy,
Sounds to me like you’re really trying to fall in love, unconsciously. I would wonder about a conflict between wanting to be in love and feeling like you might not be assertive enough to risk it? Wanting your love to be returned is absolutely NOT too much to ask for, you should be looking for that. Have you tried flirting with Helena yet?
LL
I’ll give you more detail on what happened so it was my prom night at school and my close friend kept telling me to ask her to dance she even pushed me towards Helena but then I froze up and for the rest of the evening wasn’t able to even ask her to dance so thats the main burn for me. In class we have a seating plan and she doesn’t really sit close to me and I can’t really think of anything flirty to say to her if I approach her.