About Website
The intention of this website is to explore the nature of unrequited love from both experiential and social psychological perspectives. It includes articles and discussions of unrequited love from a non-pathologized viewpoint, links and a bookstore (via amazon.com) containing recommendations that might be of help or interest to the unrequited lover, an open invitation to participate in surveys on the experience of unrequited love from the perspectives of the rejected would-be lover and/or the object of unsolicited affection, prose poetry based on the site author’s personal experience (forgive me), and a “graffiti wall” for all to write the name of their unbegotten love.
Unrequited love is the experience of being in love with someone who does not return your feelings of love. Typical “symptoms” of being in love in general include intrusive thoughts and fantasies about the loved one, feeling elated and energized, difficulty sleeping and eating, and other symptoms of general physiological arousal such as rapid heart rate, rapid breathing, and trembling hands. It is characterized most importantly by a strong desire for emotional union, and to a (minusculely) lesser degree, sexual union. It is experienced as involuntary, out of one’s control, as something that just happens. The most intense phase of being in love lasts 12-36 months, with about 18 months being the average length of time.
As I dug around for descriptions and experiences of unrequited love, seeking enlightenment, seeking company for my misery, I found that the experience referred to as unrequited love is most often treated with condescension, casually dismissed, or pathologized as some sort of character flaw. Of course unrequited love, like reciprocated romantic love, does not involve the level of intimacy of a longterm committed relationship. However, it is a mistake to assume unrequited love is short-lived, fairly easy to get over, or has the emotional depth of a pre-teen’s crush on a film star. A major reason why the idea of this website seemed to get kind of stuck in my mind was the desire to refute this inaccurate characterization and argue for the more generous viewpoint of unrequited love as love – nothing more and certainly nothing less than the feelings we all experience at the outset of a romantic passion. I offer that unrequited love is simply romantic love or passionate love that for whatever reason does not result in a relationship. It is the same complex mix of feelings, thoughts, and motivations experienced by lovers everywhere. Unrequited love, having no place to express and nurture itself, spins around and around like a whirlpool inside the would-be lover. It lasts just as long (1-3 years), is just as all-consuming, and can be just as transformative.
I am a psychotherapist in a large urban environment, and a professor at a local university. I created this website as a form of personal therapy after a particularly impactful experience of unrequited love for a former student. Not being able to express my feelings directly to this woman, I wanted to at least express some of my thoughts and feelings to somebody. You, dear websurfer, are that somebody. If you want to know more about my personal story, I would suggest reading “Backstory” on my blog. Why the cloak and dagger routine, you may ask? Simple. I like to teach and want to be able to continue to do so. While a loss of job not being a guaranteed outcome if I came forward less anonymously, in today’s rather parentified educational climate it’s still a risk I’m not willing to take.
Thank you so much for this website. It is so nice to know that other people are going through this and it is a common enough thing to make a website out of. Thank you for the breif discription of love. Good to know what is going on. I thought I was exagerating when I said I was in love. And now I know to not to denie it. Thank you!
Lonesome loser…I have posted comments on the Naming wall,and I have listened to your story…Would you listen to mine?Hey,am I the only teen boy who goes on this website?Do you know?
Hi Emo,
Sure, I’ll listen to your story. Feel free to email me through the “contact the author” page, or write your story as a comment in response to one of the posts where you see it as appropriate or a good fit. I’m quite sure you are NOT the only teen boy who has visited this site. Responses to the surveys suggest about 50% of the respondents are under age 25.
Okay,um…thank you.You have no idea how much this means to me…but is it alright if I use this post to tell you my story?You see,I’m actually not using a PC to browse the internet,i’m using a handheld device.So I don’t think I can reach you by email.I wanted to ask you that before posting anything.I…I want to apologize for putting all those messages on the naming wall.I misunderstood the purpose of it,and I got carried away.I’m really sorry…I just want your permission to use this post.Please reply.
Ok, go ahead and post your story here. Alternately, you probably could send it via the contact page because it is a form, not a direct email?
Well,I’m going try your email thing to see if it works.If not,then I will put it here,but it will be in parts ’cause either my device(or your website)doesn’t give me enough room in the box to tell it all and my story is kinda long.If I use the email,my adress will have to be a fake one.Sorry!
Hi,
I stumbled across this site while surfing the internet in search of anyone who might understand and share my predicament. Do you have a forum where people can introduce themselves and tell of their experiences with unrequited love?
I am now 34 and have experienced intense feelings for one particular person at a time, almost continuously since before puberty. I have not had a partner in the last decade and have fallen in love with more people than I can count – they all reject me. Not a day goes by without feeling the hunger for a loving partnership and for one person in particular. The current one is an actor I saw on TV. I wrote to him a few months back – ha – he probably thinks I am a nutcase.
I feel so hopeless because I see people around having relationships and building rich lives together. I’m a good person with many qualities, but every time I feel passion, the person in question runs – and when I don’t feel it, I can’t force or pretend. So I remain single.
Thanks for reading and hopefully I can participate in forum discussions! With 25 years’ experience of dealing with and thinking about this stuff, I think I can call myself an expert!
Angelina
3 years ago I fell in love with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life…the perfect girl.The perfect american girl of my heart.Oh,she’s the only one who makes me sad…the only girl who could bring me to my knees.She doesn’t even know me,and it makes me sad.I don’t exist to her.I’d do anything to have her to myself…just to have her for myself.Haley Michelle Ramm…Does that sound familiar to you? To be continued…
She is everything and more…whenever I see her beautiful face,I just want to kiss her and hold her in my arms forever…so warm,tender,loving and protecting…and I just want to kiss her…savor that moment to show her how passionate I feel for her.I will NEVER fall in love with anyone else.My heart belongs to her only.No other beautiful soul could ever buy me away from her…Haley Michelle Ramm,I love you please be mine…
Hi Angelina,
The website doesn’t actually have a forum associated with it. However, many people comment on the posts and exchange stories, support, and information that way. Look through the site and comment on whatever posts (or comments to posts) that strike your fancy. I’m glad you found the site, and hope you find it helpful.
LL
She’s so everything…while I am nothing.She is everything that I am not.Her beauty has left me breathless.The very thought of another boy having her devastates me.I fall,choke,tears streaming down my face.Do you know how much that hurts?To have another person touching and kissing the one you love,while you are alone,left behind in the rain?I have to have her…I want her to be mine,but no matter what happens,I am hers forever…
Well,now you know my story.I want to contact her…I want to try to make things work with her…I want her to know how I feel…Lonsome loser…I need some advice.I need guidance.What do I do now?Do I come on too strong?What should I say to her?I just need some advice.Sorry if I ask too many questions…
Hi Emo,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now. If I’m reading your story correctly, it sounds like you haven’t met Haley in person, she is not someone you have ever met? It’s normal to develop strong feelings for celebrities or other unavailable people, especially in our teen years. When I was about your age, I had a major obsession with Stevie Nicks.
As for what to do, you could send her a fan letter, but beyond that I strongly advise you not to contact her at all. This doesn’t mean you have to change your feelings, or stop being in love. But I don’t think this situation is going to work out for you, and I think you contacting her will only make things worse for you. You’re likely to get yourself more worked up, and at some point Haley (or those around her like her agents or assistants) may become alarmed by repeated attempts to contact her.
In addition, I hear a strong theme of you being “nothing,” which isn’t true. I would suggest you focus on positive relationships you have with friends or family, rather than on feeling like “nothing” or not good enough.
You’re not alone, there are plenty of us who are suffering from painful unrequited love. It’s difficult, but it will pass at some point — you won’t forget how you feel, but it will become much less painful and all-consuming.
LL
*crying*…Thank you…thank you for telling me that.But please know this,I only have good intentions,and…even if I ever did contact her or ever meet her in person…I could NEVER allow myself to do something I would regret.I have to find some other way…I cannot let go.I do NOT like a beautiful girl that I am in love with put before me that I cannot have.My heart will not take that lying down…All I want is a chance…is that too much to ask for?
I need help…someone…anyone…Please help…I cannot live without her…I tried so hard.Everyday goes by…without her,every breath feels like a funeral…a burning sigh of longing and desire…please help me…anyone.My e-mail is vermilionboy14@yahoo.com…..
Hello everyone. It’s a horrible way to feel, isn’t it?
I never saw him as any more than a friend. And we were good friends, we got along well and had a lot of the same interests, even though he’s nearly twenty years older than me. One day he said he thought I was pretty. Me, being the idiot that I am, thought nothing of it. He made a few more comments like this the next few times I saw him, but none of it meant anything to me. Before you think that it’s creepy, you have to understand that he’s the nicest guy in the world. I’ve had much older guys come onto me before, and it freaked me out. Maybe I just didn’t realise with this guy because he was just so lovely about it all.
Anyway, a few weeks afterwards, he asked me too kiss him. He walked over to the door to make sure no one was there, turned around and just said it. I don’t know how I didn’t see it coming, but I didn’t and I was so shocked I said no without even thinking. I could see that I’d hurt his feelings, he even asked me not to be mad at him. I think he still regrets it.
A few days later, the guilt began to set in and it hasn’t gone away. It’s been nearly a year and a half, and it still hasn’t gone away. I don’t even know if I really love him or I just feel bad, I think it’s a bit of both. I just want to tell him how sorry I am. I know I’ll never get another chance and even if I did, I don’t know if I’d be able to take it. I’m too insecure. I haven’t been able to look at another guy since, and I’m so consumed by the guilt, it’s depressing.
I’ve read ‘guides’ for getting over unrequited love, but nothing helps. They all say ‘accept that they don’t love you, understand why they don’t love you, realise that they’re better off without you, etc.’, but the problem is, he obviously wanted to be with me at some point, he obviously felt something for me at one point, and he’s still awkward around me, so for all I know he could feel the same way. The only conclusion I have been able to come to is that it’s all my fault.
He’s moving next week and I’ll probably never see him again. I know this is unhealthy and it’s probably for my own good, but I just want to be able to tell him how sorry I am for everything. More than anything, I just want to know if he still feels anything at all for me. I’d settle for just being friends again. We’ve barely spoken since then and I miss him.
I don’t know if I love him anymore. I’m so mad at the moment, I’m being faced with a reality that I can’t ignore. He is just another extremely flawed human.
I just found out he had a girlfriend the whole time. He wanted to cheat on her with me. I feel used. I feel like all that time was wasted on him. If he was willing to do that to her, how can I expect him to care about me?