Unrequited Love

The intention of this website is to explore the nature of unrequited love from both experiential and social psychological perspectives. It includes a participatory discussion of unrequited love from a non-pathologized viewpoint, recommended links and books that might be of help or interest to the unrequited lover, an open invitation to participate in surveys on the experience of unrequited love from the perspectives of the rejected would-be lover and/or the object of unsolicited affection, prose poetry based on the site author’s personal experience (forgive me), and a blog of the author’s personal experience with unrequited love.

Unrequited love is the experience of being in love with someone who does not return your feelings of love.  Typical “symptoms” of being in love in general include intrusive thoughts and fantasies about the loved one, feeling elated and energized, difficulty sleeping and eating, and other symptoms of general physiological arousal such as rapid heart rate, rapid breathing, and trembling hands.  It is characterized most importantly by a strong desire for emotional union, and to a (minusculely) lesser degree, sexual union.  It is experienced as involuntary, out of one’s control, as something that just happens.  The most intense phase of being in love lasts 12-36 months, with about 18 months being the average length of time.


As I dug around for descriptions and experiences of unrequited love, seeking enlightenment, seeking company for my misery, I found that the experience referred to as unrequited love is most often treated with condescension, casually dismissed, or pathologized as some sort of character flaw. A major reason why the idea of this website seemed to get kind of stuck in my mind was the desire to refute this inaccurate characterization and argue for the more generous viewpoint of unrequited love as  love –  nothing more and certainly nothing less than the feelings we all experience at the outset of a romantic passion.  I offer that unrequited love is simply romantic love or passionate love that for whatever reason does not result in a relationship.  It is the same complex mix of feelings, thoughts, and motivations experienced by lovers everywhere.  Unrequited love, having no place to express and nurture itself, spins around and around like a whirlpool inside the would-be lover.  It lasts just as long (1-3 years), is just as all-consuming, and can be just as transformative.

Of course unrequited love, like reciprocated romantic love, does not involve the level of intimacy of a longterm committed relationship.  However, it is a mistake to assume unrequited love is short-lived, fairly easy to get over, or has the emotional depth of a pre-teen’s crush on a film star.  What makes me an expert, you ask?  Well, nothing, really.  I am a social scientist, but not a research scientist.  Other than summaries of others’ work, most of what I offer here is personal observation and open to debate.