I met Mary at foundation college, i was just out of school and had loads of female friends and had had a few girlfriends. Mary was however the first girl i really bonded with. By the end of the first day we were working together sharing a set of headphones. We discussed going out, i told her i thought she was amazing, she told me she had just come out of a serious relationship and was just enjoying getting to know me so i left it at that. we hung out all the time. our friends described us as a married couple the way we would bicker and play together. it was very innocent and naive of me to be so oblivious to what was happening, i realize now that i was falling in love.
I was devastated when she told me she was dating her boss from work, older richer and cooler than me. To make matters worse, the whole thing was so highly charged and she was incredibly loved up They had had an affair until the boss dumped his live in girlfriend and they moved in together. At this point I was at a crossroads (this is where the cautionary tale aspect of my story kicks in i guess) and I had to decide how I felt about the matter. I’m not bad looking and socially confident, I figured I could keep Mary as the wonderful friend she was while going out with all the girls I wanted. Young and inexperienced, I felt it wasn’t a big deal and there were plenty more fish in the sea.
Our course was only one year and we went to a prospective college fair to seek out courses that may interest us and talk to staff. over 100 courses were on offer. I chose one that looked fantastic and later informed Mary of my choice, she excitedly informed me that she had chosen the same one. To cut a long story short, we spent much of the next 3 years on the same course, living together and hanging out with a lot of the same friends. In that time there have been many times when we behaved towards each other in ways friend don’t, or shouldn’t. I think part of our friendship was build on this huge sexual tension. By the end of my last year at college it hit me in the face like an anvil that I loved this girl. The exact moment was horrible, I heard her having sex with her boyfriend through the wall and rather than giggling like I would with most friends, I just died inside and had a panic attack. College ended and my housemates and moved to another property together. I moved to the other side of the city and gradually tried to distance myself from Mary. I thought about her all the time and although it was great on the occasions we did hang out, I was a mess for a few days after and would just disappear and smoke weed to forget about the world. She was friends with my friends and I was even quite close to her long term boyfriend (so much worse when he’s a lovely guy!).

In the end, I moved to the other side of the world, NYC was a revelation for me. I got heavily into drawing, I played and sung in a band, I played in a football (soccer) team, I dated lots of girls, but I still thought about Mary every day. On a visit home I decided to tell her my feelings. I took her to the park and we had a bottle of wine together. She was still in the same relationship and I was not hitting on her, I needed to explain why things had been so weird. She was lovely and caring as I knew she would be and I really felt that by getting my feelings out there I had taken a huge step towards getting over her.
However, when I moved back home after two years I got a call. She had split with her boyfriend and wanted to see me. I went to meet her, my heart tearing with anticipation born from allowing myself to imagine a best case scenario from the meeting. She however, wanted to talk to a friend about her boyfriend. I felt it was unfair to ask me to be that friend as well as very stupid for getting my hopes up. It did not end well. Another time we went out we got into and argument because she felt I was flirting with her. I said now that she was single I should be allowed to try and win her heart and she told me that she would never fancy me so I should stop. We met up one more time to talk and I explained that my feelings for her just would not go away and for the time being it was unhealthy for us to spend time together. Occasionally we see each other when we get our friends from college out for drinks. She says she misses me and its been too long and I return the sentiment. All I’m thinking though is why can’t you love me like I love you or at least try and open up and give me one chance.

They say absence makes the hart grow fonder, I hardly ever see her but I still think about her every day, run through conversations in my mind with her. Its been ten years since I met her now. I guess its a bit obsessive but I’m not the stalker type. I have banned my self from her facebook page and try to do something else when I think of her. I fear I’m so damaged by it that I will not be able to fall in love again. A few girls came close but I screwed it up. No matter how hard you try, life can still be a bitch. I’m writing this as a response to the fact I woke up this morning covered in sweat and very freaked out after having a particularly bad anxiety dream about you know who.

Am I so wrong being such a woman?

For catching that playful glint in your eyes

Unseen by busy others in the room

Sent by that playful, teasing moon

To catch only the eye of one who

Spoke the language of glint in a glance

Fluently, seductively, silently to you

Secretly, shamelessly in front of the faces

Of all those standing between us here

Can average lovers describe those moments?

Perhaps it is best to not ask, best, they not try

But just take the intensity and warmly smile

Take the stirring excitement and damply touch

Full lips gently against our wine glasses and glance

Our sign, unseen, that from this moment on

We are entwined in this lover’s madness

Secretly, shamelessly oblivious too

Dancing past the blurred faces around us

Was I so wrong being such a lover?

Sharing life with everyone I knew.

Do words actually exist for others to learn?

This subtle, sensuous language of glint

Oh yes, it requires playful confidence

Found only in moonlit lashes, the scent

Of a beautiful woman left to stand alone

That split second where her vulnerability

Is exposed, needing to be unseen, or rescued

By only the fluency of glinting eyes, seductively

Silently, masterly in this body language of lovers

Was I so wrong being such a lover?

I have lived only for and by the teasing moon

A silent quest to love such lovely strangers

Receptive lovers of glint and spontaneity alike

All know the answers, they know the thrill

I met you this way, we both knew the heights we’d share

We both knew that we never had to speak, in words

In any moon, in any crowd, alone, seeking moonlit glinting eyes

That look, that scent, taste, that intense forbidden rush, I’ve shared

Catch his eyes everywhere.

Playful, teasing moon catch his eyes so

Catch them glinting, each day we live as lovers

Dancing in our lover’s world, past the years blurred

Carry our secrets, our desires throughout all time

So if time shows, only our faces and hearts so old

Then playful, teasing moon always let new lovers dream

Tell them of our secret love, our lives and why, there’s glint in every moonbeam…