Posted: under Uncategorized.
Tags: revelations, unrequited love
As well as being a would-be lover, I’m a therapist and a university professor. This is a blog of my experience of falling in unrequited love with a former student. This is a same-sex unrequited love. I hope my experience may be helpful to you in sorting through your own unrequited love(s). Please feel free to leave comments on any posts at any time.
This blog will make a lot more sense to you if you follow these recommendations:
- Click on category “backstory” first, to read the background information on how I fell in love.
- Then, click on category “retro blog,” this will list my retrospective postings month by month over 18 months (in true chronological order), from the point of recognition of the love to when I sort of fell out of love around November 2008.
- Finally, click on category “uncategorized” and read my real-time entries from November 2008 to around July 2009 (in reverse chronological, “blog” order). Or you could just click on any of the “tags” that interest you, in the Tags section a little lower down in the right sidebar on this page.
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Dec 27 2008
Posted: under Uncategorized.
Tags: falling out of love, grief, unrequited love
I feel empty and depleted again. I’ve felt this way before. This whole thing of falling in love and the feelings I am going through seems cyclical. It’s winding down in intensity, or morphing into something new, I’m not sure what that might be.
It’s funny to me how my feelings of being in love lasted pretty much 18 months down to the exact month, which is the average length of time of having these strong, all-consuming feelings of being in love. Again, I am experiencing something that is part of the larger human condition. It seems hard-wired, to a certain extent, something that over rides consciousness, like instinct. Even my feelings and fantasies are very typical or average in many ways, of how people describe being in love (I’ll post on some of these fantasies shortly).
The winding down of intensity coupled with Jessica’s lack of availability to me in my life leaves me feeling sad, depleted, empty. Maybe if I had been able to start a relationship with her these feelings might be different, less sad, more productive, focused on a life together, I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t have feelings for her, or am not thinking about her. I’m sure if I did see I would get all stirred up again, I would recognize again what I like/love in her, I would “spark” again. But since she’s not around, and I’m not around her, those really powerful feelings are just dying down, like a campfire in the woods turning to embers, after the stories have all been told…
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Dec 31 2008
Posted: under Retro Blog.
Tags: guilt, lovesick, marriage, self-delusion, shame
A few more days later: It’s none of my business. It’s none of my business. It’s none of my business…none of my business… none of my business…none of my business… noneofmybusinessnoneofmybusinessnoneofmybusinessnoneofmybusiness…
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Dec 31 2008
Posted: under Retro Blog.
Tags: guilt, lovesick, marriage, self-delusion, shame
A few days later: I begin talking to myself, if I only knew for certain she is married, I would be able to let her go. I tell myself she is definitely married, and it is none of my business to look up her public records. But they’re right there, available online for the low low price of just $39.95…
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Dec 31 2008
Posted: under Uncategorized.
Tags: falling out of love, grief, shame
It’s funny how I feel differently now. I still miss her, am still in pain and want to be close to her, but I just don’t feel in love with her anymore. I don’t have that intrusive, feverish quality that I had up until about last month or so. I’m really focused on my website and blog now, maybe that’s a way of keeping her alive without relying on intensity of feeling to do so. I still think about her a lot, a whole lot, but I just can’t convince myself she might have been interested and unable to show/express it. I just feel pathetic, but again not really in control of the process. I’m thinking about her all the time and she’s never thinking about me and she’s happily married and she’s probably going to be pregnant soon and she is really gone and it’s so painful and I still miss her….
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Dec 28 2008
