Unrequited Love Blog

Early in June, I get overwhelmed with guilt or embarrassment or something, and confess to my spouse that I’ve had a crush on this student.  I show spouse the series of emails (see “backstory“), minus the last one because I hadn’t written it yet.  Spouse is basically supportive, the reality of my feelings have not set in with her yet, I think.  Spouse clearly expresses her beliefs that

1) Jessica is not interested in me, it would have been easy for her to write something encouraging that would keep the conversation going or whatever, which she really didn’t do and

2) I had “loved” Jessica, or been “in love” with her.

“What?!  No I’m not.  Where did you get that?  It’s a crush.  I found her attractive but that’s all.”  Spouse left for school shortly thereafter.  I felt kind of stunned by all the revelations.  I held on to the back of the sofa, kind of bent over, and suddenly burst into tears.  I’m thinking, “so that’s it?  this is all there is, I just have this friendship-type love with Spouse and I just go to work and come home and get older and die?”  I think “That’s it, I’m not going to see Jessica again, I’m not going to be with her, she’s going to get married and I’ll never see her again and I can’t stand it.”  I feel so sad and depleted, empty yet in desperate pain at the same time…

This concept of being “in love” sinks in over time, and eventually (a few days later, maybe) I have to realize it’s true, I was in love with Jessica, am in love with her.  Meanwhile, I’ve sent my final email, with the unwritten metamessage of “I get it, you’re not interested, I’ll back off.”

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