As well as being a would-be lover, I’m a therapist, and a professor at a local university. This is a blog of my experience of falling in unrequited love with a former student about two years ago. This is a same-sex unrequited love. I hope my experience may be helpful to you in sorting through your own unrequited love(s). Please feel free to leave comments on any posts at any time.
This blog will make a lot more sense to you if you follow these recommendations:
- Click on category “backstory” first, to read the background information on how I fell in love.
- Then, click on category “retro blog,” this will list my retrospective postings month by month over 18 months (in true chronological order), from the point of recognition of the love to when I sort of fell out of love around November 2008.
- Finally, click on category “uncategorized” and read my real-time entries from November to the present (in reverse chronological, “blog” order). Or you could just click on any of the “tags” that interest you, in the Tags section a little lower down in the right sidebar on this page.
It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and found a blog that I had to read from the beginning. I know all to well the horrible world of unrequited love. You’re lucky it’s just a few texts you have to hold on to. The further you get in to things the more excuses you tend to make.
I believe that those of us that can’t move on from this kind of love/fantasy are mission something within ourselves. I also don’t think what we feel is true love. I believe that is reserved for a time when both parties involved feel the same way.
It’s been years for me. Year for me loving a woman that I can never have. Loving a woman that is all and everything I have ever wanted in another human being. I fear I will always compare others to her. I fear that by doing that I will always be alone. I with you strength. You will need it.
Comment by I know the feeling — January 17, 2009 @ 10:53 pm
Hi, thanks for reading my blog, you might be the first person other than me to read all the way through it. I’m sorry to hear you feel so tied to your loved one, that you are always comparing others to her. I know what you mean, though, we all do that when we are in love and probably for a long time afterward.
I disagree with your comment that those of us in unrequited love are missing something within ourselves, or that it is not true love. I believe unrequited love is true love, or real love, but by that I mean romantic love, the feeling most associated with being “in love.” I don’t think romantic love is the same thing as loving someone in a committed relationship, I agree it’s not that kind of love. But I definitely believe being in unrequited love is the same thing as being in romantic or passionate love.
I don’t believe there is anything “wrong” with us, other than falling for someone who just doesn’t feel the same way. I believe humans are capable of loving a person without that love being reciprocated, especially in the case of a longterm friendship or someone you spend time around on a regular basis, and have some level of intimacy with, which sounds like your situation. But it’s also not good for you, especially if you feel your love keeps you from being open to finding someone who will love you back. However, something being “not good for you” is not the same thing as it being “wrong”, it’s not the same as meaning something is “wrong with you.”
Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting, come back any time.
Take care,
LL
Comment by Lonesome Loser — January 18, 2009 @ 2:58 pm
Hi
Was reading through all the articles on your page as I am experiencing the hollowed guilt of being the object of someone’s unreqieted love and it is pure hell. I was straight and honest to this person from the start and told him that because of some truly dark, aick and abusive experiences from a man in my past who claimed to ‘love’ me that I dont ‘do’ love.
He claimed he could handle it and went along with my updates that I would never feel love or be in love (with him or any man – I still hold to this). While I grew very fond of him, I was un-nerved by the depths of his growing feelings and tried to tell him he shouldn’t be around me if he couldnt handle my refusal to commit. I believed him when he said it wasn’t a problem. But now things have gone horribly wrong – he has gone loopy in his head and sends me nasty texts that I am a whore who slept around – totally unfounded – and texts about loving me so much. I feel so so so bad that I dont feel the same for him, and incredibly hurt about his nasty comments.
This man has had a previous violent convicition that is spent but I am secretely terrified he is going to hurt me due to the nature of his feelings and accusations. How do I best deal with a person like this who is suffering so? As am I
Thanks
Cassie
Comment by Cassie — January 27, 2009 @ 11:22 am
Hi Cassie,
Thanks for reading my blog and commenting. I’m sorry to hear about your difficult relationship with this man. It’s pretty normal for the rejected would-be lover to feel hurt and angry, and to express that in some way. However, I am very concerned about the way he is expressing his anger, especially considering his previous violent conviction. I recommend you tell him firmly and clearly something like “I understand you are hurt and disappointed, and I value our friendship. However, if you cannot stop sending me abusive texts, I can’t see you anymore.” If he does not stop his abusive behavior, or if he escalates in any way, I recommend you contact the police, file a report, and get their advice on how to deal with him. A person with a history of violence, who is currently frustrated and hurt, is potentially a dangerous person. Please do not feel you have any responsibility for his behavior, you don’t. It is very important that you set boundaries with him and stick to them. If he is not able to respect your boundaries, do not continue the relationship. Please take care and let me know what happens.
LL
Comment by Lonesome Loser — January 28, 2009 @ 3:55 pm
I left you a comment on your “Melancholy” post. This is going to sound pathetic, but I’m glad I’m not the only one suffering from this. I feel isolated and lonely. December was the worst. It always is. Thank God it’s over.
Comment by Blue — February 1, 2009 @ 7:58 pm
It’s too bad that this blog slowed down, but I think it served its purpose in telling the story of your journey through this relationship. I would have read through the entire thing–and perhaps I will when time allows–but, as much as unrequited love was a part of my past, I just can’t relate to it as well these days. There are a few women I’d really like to be with, and even though I know that I can’t, it doesn’t bother me as much. I feel like I largely control the outcome of my relationships. As men, our behavior has a tremendous influence on whether women are interested in us or not. The other part of the equation is whether a woman is actually good for us in a relationship, despite how we may feel for her. So, at this point, I feel like I’ve accepted the part I played in my previous relationships… it all makes sense now. I’ll have to read through your posts to get an idea of your experience. In the meantime, I’ve got a love and relationships blog that might cheer you up a bit.
Comment by Qupid — February 20, 2009 @ 3:22 pm
Hi Qupid, thanks for commenting.
“It’s too bad that this blog slowed down, but I think it served its purpose in telling the story of your journey through this relationship.” I’m not sure what you mean, it hasn’t “slowed down,” it’s getting more hits, although I may be running out of steam to keep writing it. Actually, I’m hoping to get more interactive discussion going on the website, which is getting a larger number of hits.
Also, I’m not sure, but I think you might be confused about my gender. I’m a woman, talking about a same-sex unrequited love.
I agree we can fall in love with people who are not good for us or not available to us, that’s true. However, I believe that assuming reasonable psychological health (that being the kicker, of course), we tend to fall in love with people who might be a good fit for us, or at least the love shows us what type of interpersonal dynamic we find attractive.
It’s good to hear you’re beyond all that unrequited love stuff. Thanks for dropping by, I’ll take a look at your blog when time allows.
Comment by Lonesome Loser — February 20, 2009 @ 5:59 pm
it all sounds pretty easy to me. unrequited love. when it is for someone legitimate. but oh god when it has hit one when it is totally not. so out of no-where. never felt i would/could have these feeling. this young beautiful person that has to be faced most every day. all that can be done is to hang one’s head so the eyes can’t be read – knowing of course that the glance slips, gets noticed, registered.
Comment by jeff — February 21, 2009 @ 6:39 am
Hi Jeff, Thanks for commenting. I totally understand how you are feeling, I felt the same way — blindsided, a need to hide my feelings, hide my eyes, knowing I can’t really successfully do that. What feels not legitimate or wrong about loving your loved one? You can EMAIL if you would rather not leave a comment…
Comment by Lonesome Loser — February 21, 2009 @ 1:34 pm
LL,I have just finished reading your blog and reliving my own sadness, embarrassment, shame and hopeless hope all over again. Not that I’m over Julie. I was hoping to find,also, in reading here, the moment, the epiphany, in which you knew you were over her, so that I might hope for one myself. But it just fades doesn’t it? That seems to me nearly as sad as being unrequited. I don’t know if I could stand it taking as long as it has for you. And you have distance; I have to see Julie every day at work.
You’ve influenced me to believe I’m in love with Julie, as well as to feel that my blog is facing termination. But you’ve made me feel not so all alone, too, if a member of a pathetic club. I’m touched by many of the comments above mine on this post, especially Jeff’s. I may turn to your website, but I’m worried if may help me wallow more than forget.
Comment by Dion Burn — March 10, 2009 @ 8:40 pm
Wow, I feel like I just read my own blog. This hits so close to home it hurts.
I fell in love with my boss. It was an internship, so I was only there for the summer, but it was the most exhilarating and painful 3 months of my life. The hardest part for me was that I was (and am) certain she had feelings for me as well. But I couldn’t be 100% sure and was too afraid to find out. We exchanged some follow-up emails (which she initiated), but I was so afraid of rejection that I did not pursue her. I still regret it.
It was years later before I could finally move on. There was a death in the family, and she wasn’t there for me. We had completely lost touch with each other, but I felt that she should have been there to comfort me. If she loved me, should have known that I needed her. I felt so angry that she never said she was sorry for my loss. I know it sounds crazy, but I was at the funeral and I was angry at her!
So now I’d like to say I’ve moved on. The problem is that I know I’d take her back in a heartbeat. I know I would forgive her for hurting me. But at least now I don’t think about her all the time…
Comment by Katie — April 6, 2009 @ 10:07 pm
Hi Katie,
Thanks for commenting, I’m so glad you did. It’s good to hear from another same-sex unrequited lover. I know what you mean, it can be very powerful (and long-lasting) yet the fear of rejection is just too strong to act. How did you know your boss had feelings for you?
LL
Comment by Lonesome Loser — April 7, 2009 @ 2:46 pm
Stumbled in via Dion Burn and discovered that your blog is worth a lot more than just reading your last entry… ..so will be sure to take my time and read from the beginning.
Comment by Anna — May 1, 2009 @ 3:16 pm