I can’t sleep or eat, am losing weight. I feel anxiety rather than increased energy, since I’m more aware of being rejected. Still can’t quite absorb the “no.” Maybe if I pushed it more, maybe if I reworded things differently, she would feel encouraged to respond. If only I weren’t so fucking fat.
Thinking of many clever responses to hypothetical emails:
“<startle> pardon? What?! What do I want? Well, how about
1) an intense, utterly absorbing sexual affair or
2) a somewhat less intense but still preoccupying emotional affair,
or if neither of the top two will do, how about
3) a guarded effort at friendship?”
Still thinking about her 99% of the time.
