Had Thanksgiving dinner with spouse at in-law’s house. Felt distant, thought about Jessica all day. I felt emotionally flat in the current context. Not exactly that I did not have any emotions toward spouse and in-laws, but that my connections seem much less intense, more vague, less real than the connection with Jessica that is going on in my head. The fantasies I’m having about Jessica are clearly fantasies, spun out stories of what a life with her might be like. I have ideas of what her family would be like, she has siblings, at least one older sister (again, in my fantasies, I have no idea about reality) who is supportive of us. Her mother is a fairly strong figure in my fantasies. She is difficult, angry I am not a man, angry I took Jessica away from her fiance, but her irritability with me is largely bluster. Jessica’s mother and I verbally spar back and forth, but there is an undercurrent of acceptance coming from her mother.
This is interesting. My spouse’s parents have been wonderfully accepting and supportive. Mother-in-law had more difficulty with the same-sex thing at first, but she’s always been great to me – loving, accepting, buys me clothing along with buying her daughter clothing. I really like my father-in-law. He is gruff, Republican, but has always been accepting and warm, loveable. So, why do I need a fantasy of a whole new set of in-laws with Jessica? Why do I spar with her mother instead of being overtly accepted and accepting? Something about the level of energy in the sparing dynamic is appealing to me…closeness without simplicity?
Thinking about her 95% of the time.
