Unrequited Love Blog

Thinking about Jessica, and thinking about how stupid it is I’m still thinking about her. Working on understanding she was not interested in me at all.

Well, I finally found her. Through due diligence of internet searching I find her name attached to some guy on a wedding registry site. At first I swear it doesn’t occur to me that could be her, why would she be marrying some guy named {kinda weird name}? Eventually, I work out it really is her, she is marrying this guy, and through some more backchannel surfing (terribly intrusive, I know, but I just can’t seem to help myself ) I find their wedding registry.I see the picture that is posted, a casual picture of them in a bar or something. They look fairly happy. He looks like a nice guy, good-looking but not so smooth that he seems unavailable. He just gives the overall impression of seeming nice, in a good way, attractive but emotionally available.Then I realize according to the website they actually got married over six months ago. My breath escapes sharply, like I’ve been punched in the gut. I tell myself I knew this was a possibility, a probability even. But still, I somehow feel rocked and betrayed. I know it’s stupid, and I don’t think I’ve been betrayed, but I feel betrayed, like something has been taken away from me. I get off the site, stop looking online for her for several days.

Absolutely thinking about her 95-99% of the time, trying to get my head around her marriage.

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I am still trying to get therapist to understand, still feeling he does not get it and that he thinks talking about Jessica would be unproductive, not that he actually says that. It’s more of an intuition on my part, but, I think, an accurate one.  I’m also talking more with spouse about ending our marriage. She is able to accept more clearly that is what I want, she alternates between being frightened and lonely to being angry and dismissive. I alternate between feeling relieved, hopeful about the future, sad about losing my spouse, and guilty about putting her through this.

Thinking about her 80-90% of the time, it varies.

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Still frustrated with therapist, feeling misunderstood and kind of pathologized.  Still thinking about Jessica so much, still having very strong sexual feelings and fantasies.

During one of my not-that-infrequent episodes of googling her name, I accidentally (really, accidentally, but maybe accidentally-subconsciously-on-purpose) click on her name for reunion.com, and am mortified as I am afraid it will show that I clicked on her.  You know how reunion.com is, they make it their personal business to let you know when anyone so much as breathes in the direction of looking  you up.  I ask for help and advice from reunion.com forums, and basically get “don’t worry about it, if he’s interested he’ll [both italics are mine] contact you.”

Thinking about her around 90% of the time.

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I feel I have fallen out of love with Jessica.  Like falling in love with her, it was a long, slow process.  I’ve become slowly more aware of the change in my feelings the past two or three months.  I feel I “fell out of love” with her around November, Month 18.  Around the time I began this blog.  It was still kind of a slide down to not being in love, but it began around then, maybe a little before.

Also like falling in love with her, it seems an involuntary process.  I don’t want to fall out of love with her, I haven’t sought it out, or tried to “get over” her.  Although it’s painful to want to be with someone who just isn’t available (for whatever reasons), being in love feels good.  Falling out of love feels sad, bad, melancholy, grief-laden.

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Therapist is not getting it.  He seemed to get it once I gave him a very detailed rendering of what happened that semester.  I felt good after that session.  However, he seems to think it was all in the past and I should not focus on it now, or wonders why it holds such sway over me.  He says her name like it means nothing, like she is some two -dimensional character that I should not infuse with such meaning.

Thinking about her 90% of the time.

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