Romance aside, or dead-and-buried, a post-hoc analysis of why I might have fallen in love with Jessica, in particular, follows.
Much of it likely had to do with timing. I am disappointed in my marriage, sexually and emotionally. I am feeling my age, feeling bored and isolated, wanting to be young again and generally experiencing a mid-life crisis. A mid-life crisis that includes grief about not having children, so I fall for someone who is still young enough to bear children. My Spouse tends to disagree with many of my psychological explanations for people’s behavior, despite asking me for my informed opinion. Jessica seemed to think I knew what I was talking about. She seemed to admire me and see me as competent or impactful. She kept staring at me sort of wistfully, it pulled soft, romantic feelings from me. She offered an intimacy of communication, of psychological-mindedness, that resonated with me. Her being heterosexually identified (as far as I know), the power of crafting a seduction story was very appealing. The admiration and romantic pull made for a heavy dose of strong sexual attraction. All these things came together in a way that made me view Jessica, a perfectly ordinary person, in an extraordinary light. This is what Tennov called the process of “crystallization” in love or limerance.
Please offer comments…
I’m glad I stumbled on to this site. I’ve been recooperating from a bout of unrequited same-gendered love. Just when I think I’m about over her I fall back into my old wishful thinking that just maybe there was a slight possibility that my feelings were recipricated. Two steps forward, one step back. Most days now I’m over that initial intense romantic/sexual attraction. She was somewhat of a mentor, and swept me right off my feet with the way she showed me so mnuch attention. At first it was a girly crush, but then turned into an obsession. In subtle ways, I kept trying to tell her how I felt.. but I don’t think she got it until I asked her if she had ever been attracted to another woman. I stammered and stuttered like a nervous love-struck teen-ager. She was taken by surprise and seemed clueless. After I told her somewhat jokingly that I needed to stay away from her she began to ignore me for the most part. Arggh… why did I even bring up the subject in the first place…sigh. I wanted only to think of her as a friend/mentor, but couldn’t. There was always that romantic ideation and sexual tension.
Glad I’m finally moving on… was getting quite nervous about not being able to let go. I do miss that intense love high sometimes, tho.
Good luck!
Comment by unlucky in love — February 17, 2009 @ 10:36 am
Hi, I’m glad you stumbled onto this site, as well. It’s so good to hear from another same-sex unrequited lover. I felt the same way, wanted to think of my student as only a bright, interesting student but just couldn’t ignore the other stuff. And it was all so embarrassing. I struggled for a long time with understanding she just wasn’t interested in me, period. Still do, a little bit, to be honest. Anyway, thanks for sharing and come back any time.
LL
Comment by Lonesome Loser — February 17, 2009 @ 2:18 pm