In late September, before deciding to start this website and blog, I was lying in bed unable to sleep. Thinking about Jessica again. Where could I go with these feelings? It suddenly washed over me, the emotionally-based knowledge that I had really wanted her, and she didn’t want me, she just didn’t want me. It was so painful. I cried silently, next to my Spouse.
As I cried, I felt another wave of emotionally-based knowledge, that I was crying about my mother. It was my mother I had really wanted, who didn’t want me, who seemed so rejecting and inaccessible at the same time. I got up, this was about 4:30 in the morning, and started writing, beginning with the prose-poetry eventually posted on the “Musings” page of the website. Felt pleased with myself for being able to put some of the feelings down in words, even though I felt incredibly vulnerable and not a little bit stupid.
Not that this realization that my mother was rejecting is anything new. I had been aware of this for many years. But it was another moment of deep emotional awareness, how rejected I had felt, how rejected I continue to feel – unchosen, “unwanted.”
Thinking about her 99% of the time.
