I began thinking more clearly about writing a blog, getting some of this stuff out there for abreaction and feedback. Still thinking about Jessica, still very sexual, I make new sexual fantasies all the time. Thinking about her around 80% of the time.
Late October: Before my brother’s wedding (his second marriage), even a couple days before, I feel Jessica is clearly a fantasy. My feelings are no more real than those of a teenager in love with Brad or Angelina, or at least no more than those of a child or teenager in love with an unavailable, popular peer. But in my sister-in-law-to-be’s hotel suite, watching her get ready, wearing her white wedding dress and placing her veil on, I felt a sharp pain in my gut, and found myself wondering what Jessica looked like in her dress, felt again her unavailability, and my desire, my loss…
At my brother’s wedding, I felt clearly it was so wrong to even think about her as available to me. They were married before God, I’m sure they love each other. I felt ashamed to be even having those thoughts and feelings about a woman who was so clearly “taken,” legally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Still, I’m still caught thinking about her so much – remembering her through memories, imagining who she might be through fantasy…
