Unrequited Love Blog

I’m still thinking about Jessica a lot, and missing her.  At this point it is unclear to me whether these thoughts and feelings are the residuals of being in love, or just obsessive rumination that I am enacting personally, and not every rejected would-be lover would do the same.

Predominant feelings are more negative — frustration and anger at being not chosen, at thinking about her being married; embarrassment that I was so goddamned obvious in front of the entire class; embarrassment and shame that I fell in love with a woman who is straight, who is simply and fundamentally not available to me; frustration at just not being able to make any kind of contact with her, thinking about her going on with her life and I have no information, no way of seeing her or talking with her or knowing anything about her; sadness when thinking about her happily married and (psychologically) moving away from me (not that she was ever actually near me, I understand that).

Other feelings are still there, though — happiness thinking over some of my memories (sparse though they are);  hopeful that she is happy and doing well in her life now, that makes me feel good; sexual desire is still pretty strong, although not as pervasive and all-consuming as it has been.

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I’m not sure how much longer I can keep writing this blog.  I’ll keep the website up, I’m hoping to get more conversation going there.  As the intensity of my feelings have ebbed away, so has the need and the energy for proclaiming them.  I’m going to keep it up for a bit just to have a record of my unrequited love over time — how it was at the beginning, thoughts, feelings, fantasies, then over time how that changed. I would still like to post some of my fantasies, as they seemed very typical or universal for love.

This personal blog may turn into more of a musing on my upcoming divorce, how falling in love with Jessica sort of set that in motion, and how I feel over time.  I would still like to hear from readers about my personal blog.  And please do particpate in discussions on the website (Unrequited Love Website).

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