Unrequited Love Blog

My Spouse is busy telling me she thinks I need to grow up.  That I want this grand passionate love that is essentially a child’s fantasy, the fantasy of an innocent.  She says my innocence is a large part of what she loves about me, and what will ultimately break us apart.

Spouse clearly comes down on the side of stable, companionate love where de-stabilizing passion is naturally minimized over time, and/or does not really exist in the first place.  Certainly, she sees passion as  not a reason to end a marriage, to alter a life course you committed to.  She keeps emphasizing my age, i.e., I’m too old to be having a wild sexual/dating life, I’m pursuing a fantasy more appropriate to someone in their twenties.

It’s so confusing to know what to make of everything.  Spouse may be right.  Although Therapist says Spouse and I do not really share enough values or interests in life to be truly compatible.  Therapist does seem to perceive Spouse as very much being dependent on me, taking advantage of me financially and emotionally/motivationally.  Of course, Therapist doesn’t say this, but intimates it.

Certainly I’m very concerned with my age, feeling too old to be going through all this shit.  I can’t believe I’ve gotten so old.  Just wait, you won’t believe it when it happens to you, either.  One day I was in my early 30s, the next day I was in my late 30s, and suddenly I’m in my early 40s, clearly moving past the age that most people find women sexually attractive.  Sure, I’m scared I won’t ever have a good relationship again.  Sure, I’m afraid I’m sort of fading into the wood-work (the background).  But still, I hate the house, can’t live this way any more, don’t at all believe Spouse will ever be able to change her messiness.  I’m bored, I hate the suburbs.  I’m incredibly sexually focused, more so than I’ve ever been in my life and I had a moderately high sex drive to begin with.  I’ll be god-damned if I’ll sit around not having sex the rest of my life, or forcing myself to have sex with someone that I love but simply am not sexually attracted to.

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Just thought I’d share that I’m feeling sad again today. Depressed, really. I think it’s related to my upcoming divorce and feeling unattractive and alone. I’m thinking a little about Jessica and trying not to. I’m more aware she is likely starting a family, she will be pregnant any day now (if she’s hasn’t already had a baby) and really moving forward with her life, and I really need to not be thinking about her. Even my thinking about her feels intrusive (towards her, I mean).  I really need to not be thinking about a pregnant, married woman.

And I can feel depression on the heels of love, I can feel it coming. It’s partly wrapped up in not being able to be with or get to know Jessica, but bigger than that, too. The bone-weary, depleted, tears-in-my-throat sort of feeling of being disappointed in life, disappointed in myself, having the veils of self-delusion ripped away by reality. “What? Romance? Listen, you’re not that hot. Face it, you’re middle-aged. You really should of just kept what you had. You can’t afford a decent place in the city, anyway. Your dog is a huge problem (and certainly doesn’t win you friends). You’ll be poor and alone, instead of just poor.”

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Over this past weekend, my Spouse called and talked with my mother about a household maintenance issue. Somehow, they ended up talking about our upcoming separation/divorce.  My mother reportedly called me stupid (or said selling the house and moving back to the city is stupid), said I wouldn’t last more than about two months before wanting to return home to Spouse, and that I was never happy anywhere.  Had recommendations on how to “fix” our marriage including cleaning 15 minutes per day, 2 hours on the weekends.  Possibly I should rent an apartment in the city for a couple of months and take my dog (a mean-ass german shepherd) to see if I even liked it or not. It’s funny how Spouse is an echo of mother — both think I am being immature, stupid, need to grow up, should focus on stability, am never happy in my life.

I am pissed off and hurt.  This is my mother for you.  Supporting the Spouse and calling me stupid, although I’m sure her intent is to make my life “better” (or rather, more stable and reliable, which is not the same fucking thing as I’ve discovered over the past 5 years of marriage). Also, this is my mother by suggesting “solutions” that are not practical and are not solutions she herself ever did.  Whose going to rent an apartment to me and a huge, semi-aggressive dog for two months?  And how would I pay apartment rent along with the mortgage when Spouse is still in school and not working? My mother never cleaned house regularly (although the house was never a pit like mine is now), and my mother does not live with my Spouse to know how incredibly messy she is.  Spouse will just drop things (trash and non-trash alike) all around and then leave them there, she just doesn’t see the mess so it doesn’t really bother her.

Of course, secretly I am afraid mother is right.  I am being immature and stupid, I should stay married and come to terms with the fact that marriage is just not all that sexually or romantically exciting, it’s not really supposed to be. That I would be lonely and isolated living in the city, that I will never really date or find anyone to be with again, that the “grass is never greener,” etc.  It’s really hard to know what the right thing to do is.  It feels right for me to make changes, but it is also the case I might regret those changes.  I will miss Spouse terribly if/when we split up, I don’t doubt that at all.  I don’t deny being a shit or being selfish.  But I don’t think the marriage is the right one for me.  Divorce is terribly difficult, but so is an unfulfilling or unsatisfying marriage.

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As the weather improves, I’m thinking more about leaving my marriage — how to do so, what it will be like, and (still) is it the right decision? I cannot wait for a clean house with a dishwasher and Starbucks within walking distance.

But I’m also acutely aware of my age. I swear when I look in the mirror I look older every day (eye bags, fine wrinkles). I still feel fairly young, , like in my early to mid-thirties.  But my body doesn’t seem to match.  I’m thinking about the loss associated with aging.  Like, for years I have wanted to get a motorcycle, a cruiser-type like the Honda Rebel, but kept putting it off.  In my thirties riding a motorcycle would have made me look interesting; in my 40s, I would just look ridiculous.  I feel like the opportunity is past, and I’ve missed out.  I’m afraid the same thing is happening with dating and sex.  In my 20s and 30s, great, lots of opportunity.  In my 40s, not so much, I might have a difficult time dating women I find attractive.  I’ll be a little too old and my age won’t be balanced out by my income (I live a very middle-class existence, no expensive vacations to offer or dinners at 4 star restaurants).

Falling in love seems to be a natural process.  Meaning, it’s hard to force it with online dating or even with meeting others at thinly disguised singles events.  Romantic love seems to need the element of surprise amongst the ordinary, or at least it seems so for me.  I fall in love with people after I’ve observed them for a while, or gotten to know them a little bit in a natural setting such as work or the community.  Basically, I’m afraid I won’t fall in love again.  I might date, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to feel what I want to feel — that electric-buzz, gut-dropping, google-eyed excitement of wanting to merge with someone completely.

I’m still thinking about Jessica, feeling more angry at not having any chance with her.  Not angry with anyone in particular, including myself, just frustrated with the barriers to getting what I want. It’s actually amazing I’m still thinking about her and feeling deprived, sad, achey.  What if Jessica is the last woman I’ll ever fall in love with?  Will leaving my marriage, leaving my spouse, still be worth it?  Would I rather be alone than be with Spouse?  That’s really the question.  Right now, I feel I really want my own apartment, clean, with only one dog, in the city, the capacity to date and have sex.  But how long will I feel this way if I try to date only to be repeatedly rejected, come home to a lonely dog, and still very little money?

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I still avoid watching weddings on tv or in movies.  They’re just painful to watch.  I just get pissed off and stirred up, something makes me want to turn away and ignore those scenes.  At the same time, I feel ridiculously self-indulgent for doing so.  This is going on 22 months and still my stomach clinches, my mind avoids memories or emotional triggers…

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