As the weather improves, I’m thinking more about leaving my marriage — how to do so, what it will be like, and (still) is it the right decision? I cannot wait for a clean house with a dishwasher and Starbucks within walking distance.
But I’m also acutely aware of my age. I swear when I look in the mirror I look older every day (eye bags, fine wrinkles). I still feel fairly young, , like in my early to mid-thirties. But my body doesn’t seem to match. I’m thinking about the loss associated with aging. Like, for years I have wanted to get a motorcycle, a cruiser-type like the Honda Rebel, but kept putting it off. In my thirties riding a motorcycle would have made me look interesting; in my 40s, I would just look ridiculous. I feel like the opportunity is past, and I’ve missed out. I’m afraid the same thing is happening with dating and sex. In my 20s and 30s, great, lots of opportunity. In my 40s, not so much, I might have a difficult time dating women I find attractive. I’ll be a little too old and my age won’t be balanced out by my income (I live a very middle-class existence, no expensive vacations to offer or dinners at 4 star restaurants).
Falling in love seems to be a natural process. Meaning, it’s hard to force it with online dating or even with meeting others at thinly disguised singles events. Romantic love seems to need the element of surprise amongst the ordinary, or at least it seems so for me. I fall in love with people after I’ve observed them for a while, or gotten to know them a little bit in a natural setting such as work or the community. Basically, I’m afraid I won’t fall in love again. I might date, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to feel what I want to feel — that electric-buzz, gut-dropping, google-eyed excitement of wanting to merge with someone completely.
I’m still thinking about Jessica, feeling more angry at not having any chance with her. Not angry with anyone in particular, including myself, just frustrated with the barriers to getting what I want. It’s actually amazing I’m still thinking about her and feeling deprived, sad, achey. What if Jessica is the last woman I’ll ever fall in love with? Will leaving my marriage, leaving my spouse, still be worth it? Would I rather be alone than be with Spouse? That’s really the question. Right now, I feel I really want my own apartment, clean, with only one dog, in the city, the capacity to date and have sex. But how long will I feel this way if I try to date only to be repeatedly rejected, come home to a lonely dog, and still very little money?
I am going through something like this right now, only with a spouse that I never actually stopped loving even as I one-sidedly loved another (I think I might be polyamorous). I believe that we are destined to match up well with a number of people in this life, and the only thing stopping us is lack of proximity and openness to other candidates. If you left, you’d likely circulate more and pick up more “love cues” because you would no longer be in a comfort zone with your current spouse. It’s really a choice of making yourself “available” to others to love. And if you stay relatively close to your demographic in your choices, you can commiserate about what it’s like to be a little older. Good luck!
Comment by Paladin — March 19, 2009 @ 5:20 pm