Unrequited Love Blog

I am so pissed Jessica changed her name. Why did she do that? Many to most women with educational levels of college grad or higher don’t do that, they keep their own name. It really upsets me. I’ve been thinking about it and wondering why this in particular upsets me, and here’s what I’ve come up with…

1. It makes her marriage more real to me (this is an obvious one).
2. I’m disappointed she took the more traditional path of changing her name.  Does she feel she has to absolutely merge identities with the guy?  What’s wrong with her name, what’s wrong with keeping her name?  Apparently, she has ploddingly conventional thoughts and beliefs (unfair and possibly untrue, but spite wins out for now)
3. It feels like the woman I knew (“Jessica Smith”) has died, leaving only this new woman (“Jessica Jones”) in her place, who kind of looks like Jessica but isn’t really the same person.  It makes her metaphorical death (as she transitions from single to married) much more real to me, my grief is stronger, my understanding that the Jessica I knew sort of no longer really exists.  There is actually a particular form of mental illness where the person believes those close to her have been somehow secretly replaced, like by robots or pod-people.  They look the same but are not the same.  It’s a relatively rare form of psychosis.  Anyway, I feel a little bit like that — even if (when) I see Jessica out in public, it won’t really be her, only her shell or ghost or something.  Well, many people have said love is a form of psychosis, like a mild delusional disorder.  Those of you who might tend to take things too literally — I am not psychotic, I do not really believe Jessica has been replaced by a stranger.  It just feels that way.

It feels like once a woman is married, she has crossed an invisible line.  Certainly from available to unavailable, that is straight-forward enough.  But it also feels like a married woman has crossed from freedom, independence, life, possibility, emotional expressiveness, to relative sedateness, conventionality, emotional control and containment.  In the best of marriages I don’t think this really happens this way, but most marriages take place without thinking too deeply about how their lives will change.  Mine certainly happened that way.  I didn’t think too deeply about how marriage would change my life, would change me. I just found myself living in the suburbs, financially strapped, bored, unhappy, and somehow “dead” inside despite having a loving wife, a reasonable house, dogs and cats I loved, supportive in-laws I loved…

Obviously I’m still thinking about her.  Not really crazy in love anymore, but I suppose a lot is still there.

Please offer comments…

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