Unrequited Love Blog

I’ve been reading back over my own blog, trying to get a sense of how I felt over time, as well as how I come across on the blog.  One thing that occurs to me is how incredibly cliche I am for falling for a younger student when I’m just pushing middle-aged.  Also, how incredibly cliche (or typical, to be kinder) I am in my general reactions — jealous, possessive, obsessive, writing bad poetry (see “Unrequited” on Musings page of website), insecure, self-critical.  Really, I’m not usually so neurotic.  It’s love that has made me neurotic !   Or, the unrequited variety of love, at least.

I’m typically not a poetry writer.  But this is often something people do when in love — write poetry or love notes even if they have never done so before.  It’s so embarrassingly adolescent.  The whole website/blog thing is a little embarrassingly adolescent.  But it’s been helpful, nonetheless, to be able to express some of this stuff.  Anonymously.  Thank God.

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The impression on my ring finger from my wedding ring has almost faded away.  We’re fixing up the house, preparing to place it on the market this summer.  Spouse and I are still getting along, still cuddling at night (which is a comfort), and talking with each other about our daily lives.

I’m becoming more anxious about my finances post-divorce, my ability to purchase a decent condo in a neighborhood that I want to live in.  It’s all so overwhelming.  I feel loved by my Spouse, and love her in return, and I think again if I am making the right decision or not.  Will I regret it?  Am I being self-indulgent, immature, unrealistic?

I can only hope to find another woman who I have more in common with and a strong sexual attraction to, but even then it won’t be Spouse.  It will be someone else.  I will love someone else and so will Spouse.  I feel sad and scared.  I won’t have the same emotional relationship with someone else, which is good in some ways but there are things I will miss –  Spouse takes care of me emotionally and to some extent practically in ways that no one else will likely do.  Spouse sort of acts like I am her child, but in a way that feels good to me.  She worries about my diet and health, she brings me food or something to drink, she understands how I “work” emotionally, my vulnerabilities and assumptions.  Could be that no one else will be with me in these same ways.  It will be a new relationship with different ways of working together emotionally.  Will I feel lonely?  Will I ever miss Spouse?

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I’m not sure why, but I’m feeling more self-critical today regarding the whole thing with Jessica.  The “whole thing” being, I suppose, our interactions, how I perceived/misperceived our interactions, my feelings about her and in general, my obsessive behaviors post-contact.  When I’m feeling this way, which has come in waves throughout this process, I torture myself with these types of automatic thoughts:

“This is ridiculous.  You’re acting nowhere near your age.  You aren’t in love with her, you don’t even know her.  You’re in complete denial about your creepy behaviors and how most people would respond to them.  You’ve been incredibly obsessive and bad. You probably freaked her out (and embarrassed yourself) by sort of pursuing her via email contact after the end of class.  She was being nice to you, there is NO WAY she would ever have been interested in you, even if she WERE bisexual/gay (which she isn’t, you idiot).  You’re always overshooting when it comes to attraction.  You’re basically a geek, and like most geeks, just not that sexually attractive or charismatic.  Students at the university now know you as “that professor who had a crush on Jessica Smith” or even worse, “that professor who comes onto students.”  Why the hell are you still thinking about her?  It’s pathetic.”

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I’m feeling better today, more hopeful, and more “not-in-love” with Jessica.  I’m seeing her as more of a fantasy, or a woman I had a crush on, than anything else.  I’ve definitely felt differently in the past, even recent past, and I may feel differently again.  But for now, I feel

1. ridiculous for still thinking about Jessica
2. ridiculous for hoping she had ever continued to think about me
3. mildly pleased at fond memories of my interactions with this young woman
4. sorry that I wrote this blog.  I think it’s a pretty good one, and it’s helpful to me, but I feel embarrassed at all the personal stuff I’ve put out there, at how immature or obsessive I might sound.

Maybe this is because of changes going on at home.  My spouse made us take off our wedding rings last night, so we’re not wearing them anymore.  I have mixed feelings about this, but I wonder if it is playing into my feeling better and hopeful.  Also, the weather is great today, sunny and warmish, after a long time of cool, grey weather.  So, I’m looking forward more to what I might be able to make of my life now.  And also feeling anxious about my ability to make any real, lasting changes.  It’s always a mixed bag.

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I just don’t want to let go. I really should at this point. And to be honest, my body is ready to let go of being in love, so to speak. Meaning I don’t have most of the symptoms of being in romantic love (intrusive thoughts/fantasies, can’t sleep or eat, nervousness, extreme preoccupation).

I think I’m kind of hanging on to my feelings and memories about Jessica because I want to avoid the pain and emptiness of my upcoming divorce. And I really need to let go of her because she really is married and will likely be pregnant any day now, etc.

More to the painful point, she’s not secretly online looking up unrequited love and reading this blog, despite all my fantasies to the contrary.  More to the painful point, she’s probably really in love with her husband (just like she said she was), despite all my fantasies to the contrary. More to the painful point, I’m probably really looking pathetic on this blog, despite my fantasies of looking world-weary and self-aware.

I’m probably going to have to go through a long period of feeling empty, depressed, lonely, disillusioned, during and after my divorce. And it will be a while before I’m really able to even begin to see another woman in a romantic light.

Fuck this shit.  At least if I were straight I’d have more options for dating, numbers-wise.

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