I often wonder how off I might be in my estimation of Jessica’s likely reactions to my feelings or the info contained in this blog. I mean, I base my prediction on how I might feel if I learned similar info about this woman who has been in love or limerence with me. I believe my basic reaction would be a combination of flattered, amused tolerance, and a sense I was somewhat idealized or unrealistically perceived. I don’t think I would have too strong a negative reaction, even to the woman’s online searches for me and cyber-invasion of privacy. I feel I would see the woman (who is a real person, so I’m thinking of her in particular) as harmless, not too fucked up, feel flattered at the attention and feel badly she was in such pain. So this is how I think Jessica would also basically react, based on how I would feel, and based on my understanding of Jessica as an individual.
But I don’t know that. I mean, I’ve been thinking about Jessica for two years now. My feelings have abated somewhat but still seem to be there and to fluctuate in intensity. The truth is I’ve got pages and pages of this obsessive shit on here, and it might be kind of frightening or at least pathetic. It doesn’t feel particularly pathetic to me, but I’m on the inside of it. Maybe Jessica would see the site (and my feelings & behaviors) as…I don’t know, ridiculous, pathetic, obsessive, unrealistic, intrusive, frightening…Early on my (ex)spouse worked hard at helpfully having me understand that Jessica’s likely reaction to my emails was something like “Ok, thanks, well, bye creepy teacher, bye..” sidling away as quickly as politely possible.
Am I crafting a beautiful remembrance to Jessica and to my love for her? Or am I obsessively wallowing in a self-created hell (“abandon all hope, ye who enter here…”)? So I wonder if Jessica would see this site as a sort of Taj Mahal to my love for her, or as a Tomb of my insanity (obsessive, delusional)?
I’m struggling to understand that Jessica may have felt flattered by my interest, but she simply didn’t return it. What I mean is, it’s so painful to think that when my attraction came to light, she felt a visceral response of being repelled, or left clammy, completely unmoved as far as an instinctive sexual/bonding response. That she felt flat upon being offered my love and sexual attention. Not necessarily horrified (I hope), but just not interested. It’s just so bizarre to try and fully understand or know that I can really want and really love Jessica, and she can feel basically nothing in return, or nothing of substance. Yet I know this to be true, I have felt it myself when someone really likes me and is attracted to me and I’m flattered but just not interested. I try and think about this one woman whom I know fell in love or limerence with me. There is just no way I can muster up the level of intense engagement in thinking about her or her feelings for me (or somehow learning more about her feelings) compared with the intense interest I have when thinking about Jessica.
It’s so painful to have your personal reality, your feelings, be so completely out of sync with those of the person you are in love with.
Well, I’ve begun having recreational sex. I started a blog about my experiences but nevermind where and under what name. Since in the current blog it’s not inconceivable that any number of people I know might actually deduce my identity at some point, I thought I would spare all of us the sordid details and blog about my sexcapades anonymously elsewhere.
The point is, after driving home yesterday from a somewhat abortive casual sex encounter with a man, I had the most powerful sexual fantasies about Jessica that I’ve had in quite a while. I had this whole fantasy of her answering an ad placed by me and the guy for a threesome. She shows up, we sort of pretend not to know each other, and we all begin having sex. I really become focused on Jessica and we have very exciting, emotionally-driven sex, with lots of intense eye contact. The guy, Steve, watches and participates a bit, we don’t mind and don’t want to fully leave him out (it’s his place and our threesome, afterall). There’s lots of sunlight and I have a very happy feeling. I’m rocked by these fantasies for at least half-an-hour, all while driving home.
So, what the hell? I’m having sex, it’s feeling good, but instead of helping me forget about Jessica it has actually made my sexual feelings stronger and sexual fantasies more specific than they’ve been in a while.
I always have apocalyptic fantasies when I’m in love. I’ve been thinking about what the meaning of these ubiquitous fantasies might be. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I tend to run toward biological explanations for social behavior. So, the appeal of apocalyptic fantasies is no surprise, it sort of hangs together. “Back to basics” being the theme of biology and disaster, I suppose.
My fantasies involve basically one of two scenarios:
There is some sort of nuclear or social disaster, and I drive to Jessica’s place (or whoever I’m focused on for the moment), we take dogs, guns, and various assorted relatives and head for a more rural area to stake a claim in the post-apocalyptic world.
There isn’t really a disaster per se, but Jessica and I have a quiet and private revelation that life as we know it just is not what we want. We want something more “real,” more vital. We move out to an isolated area, or maybe a commune, often in these fantasies she is already pregnant, and we raise a family.
I think the psychological issue bubbling up from my unconscious to the surface is a desire to have a more meaningful, engaging, focused life. To excel under pressure, to focus on survival to the eclipse of everything else (societal expectations like the rat race, social niceties, personal and community politics, keeping up with the Joneses, etc). I want to focus solely on being with Jessica, perhaps with a small community of like-minded others, farming and hunting, communing with nature. It has come to me that these are basically Eden-before-the-Fall fantasies, idyllic natural settings with an idyllic natural focus (procreation, protection of loved ones, intimate communities, living closer to the edge of procuring food and safety, closer to nature’s red tooth and claw).
Classic love/limerence fantasies. It just speaks to me of what has been missing in my life, what I have not yet had the courage to pursue — deeper engagement, real romantic love (I’ve had shadows of romantic love in the past but I’m really ready for the deeper stuff now), sacrifice for my immediate family, and the establishment of core values that make the anemic offerings of bland 21st century society pale in comparison.
Apocalypse. End of the world (as we know it). Return me to a state of grace.
Last night I had a dream about Jessica. It was like we were all in high school, only I was either a late arrival or more like a graduate student or teacher’s aide or something. A bit on the outside. Anyway, Jessica was there, and she was so attractive, I felt such longing for her. But she had a longterm boyfriend. Jessica (and her friends) knew I was in love with her. Jessica felt flattered but removed, and didn’t know what to do with my feelings. She told her friends something like “yes, I know she’s interested but I’m with John.” I felt so sad and bereft.
Dreams are often the way that inconvenient or inappropriate sexual attractions first announce themselves to me. Like, if I develop sexual feelings toward a patient I won’t know it until I have a sexual dream about them, or when I fell in love with a close friend of mine.
My love for Jessica first announced itself in a dream, as well. It was shortly after the end of the semester, just after I received the first email from her. I really wasn’t all that conscious of my feelings or what was going on with me. I felt viscerally pleased when I read the email, and flattered, but that was about all I was aware of. I shared the email with my Spouse. That night I had a dream that somehow I was giving her a ride home in my car, and it became clear to me that she was sexually interested in me, sort of curious or intrigued about being with a woman. She said something like “I’m curious about how sex with a woman works,” and I said something like “Yes, I got that, I thought that you were.” And we were getting along really well, enjoying each other’s company. We went to my home, to a sort of a sunken living room/bedroom area. Suddenly we were in pajamas on the bed and unsure how to start things. I was feeling I’m not sure if this is going to work or not. She was sort of laying on her stomach, and I was on the bed behind her, and I just bent down and kissed the back of her neck. She moaned, and I felt my anxiety melt into tentative sexual arousal. She turned over, I kissed her, and suddenly whether things were going to work or not was not an issue, I knew sex was going to work fine between us, be good, and I felt much more strongly and confidently sexual. But then my Spouse’s mother walked into the room, and say Hi or something, and interrupted us. Suddenly, Jessica was not there anymore, and my Spouse walked into the room. A saw a sort of mannequin of Jessica in another room, later, and felt sad and empty. She wasn’t real or alive to me anymore. I felt annoyed with my Spouse’s mother for her intrusion, and very sad at losing Jessica.
The next afternoon I told my Spouse “I was so god-damn grateful that student Jessica wrote me a nice email that I had a sexual dream about her.” Spouse laughed. I swear I still wasn’t fully getting that I had fallen in love, or even that I was so strongly interested in Jessica.
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Jun 17 2009
