Unrequited Love Blog

Last night I had a dream about Jessica.  It was like we were all in high school, only I was either a late arrival or more like a graduate student or teacher’s aide or something.  A bit on the outside.  Anyway, Jessica was there, and she was so attractive, I felt such longing for her.  But she had a longterm boyfriend.  Jessica (and her friends) knew I was in love with her.  Jessica felt flattered but removed, and didn’t know what to do with my feelings.  She told her friends something like “yes, I know she’s interested but I’m with John.”  I felt so sad and bereft.

Dreams are often the way that inconvenient or inappropriate sexual attractions first announce themselves to me.  Like, if I develop sexual feelings toward a patient I won’t know it until I have a sexual dream about them, or when I fell in love with a close friend of mine.

My love for Jessica first announced itself in a dream, as well.  It was shortly after the end of the semester, just after I received the first email from her.  I really wasn’t all that conscious of my feelings or what was going on with me.  I felt viscerally pleased when I read the email, and flattered, but that was about all I was aware of.  I shared the email with my Spouse.  That night I had a dream that somehow I was giving her a ride home in my car, and it became clear to me that she was sexually interested in me, sort of curious or intrigued about being with a woman.  She said something like “I’m curious about how sex with a woman works,” and I said something like “Yes, I got that, I thought that you were.”  And we were getting along really well, enjoying each other’s company.  We went to my home, to a sort of a sunken living room/bedroom area.  Suddenly we were in pajamas on the bed and unsure how to start things.  I was feeling I’m not sure if this is going to work or not.  She was sort of laying on her stomach, and I was on the bed behind her, and I just bent down and kissed the back of her neck.  She moaned, and I felt my anxiety melt into tentative sexual arousal.  She turned over, I kissed her, and suddenly whether things were going to work or not was not an issue, I knew sex was going to work fine between us, be good, and I felt much more strongly and confidently sexual.  But then my Spouse’s mother walked into the room, and say Hi or something, and interrupted us.  Suddenly, Jessica was not there anymore, and my Spouse walked into the room.  A saw a sort of mannequin of Jessica in another room, later, and felt sad and empty.  She wasn’t real or alive to me anymore.  I felt annoyed with my Spouse’s mother for her intrusion, and very sad at losing Jessica.

The next afternoon I told my Spouse “I was so god-damn grateful that student Jessica wrote me a nice email that I had a sexual dream about her.”  Spouse laughed.  I swear I still wasn’t fully getting that I had fallen in love, or even that I was so strongly interested in Jessica.

Share/Save