I’m struggling to understand that Jessica may have felt flattered by my interest, but she simply didn’t return it. What I mean is, it’s so painful to think that when my attraction came to light, she felt a visceral response of being repelled, or left clammy, completely unmoved as far as an instinctive sexual/bonding response. That she felt flat upon being offered my love and sexual attention. Not necessarily horrified (I hope), but just not interested. It’s just so bizarre to try and fully understand or know that I can really want and really love Jessica, and she can feel basically nothing in return, or nothing of substance. Yet I know this to be true, I have felt it myself when someone really likes me and is attracted to me and I’m flattered but just not interested. I try and think about this one woman whom I know fell in love or limerence with me. There is just no way I can muster up the level of intense engagement in thinking about her or her feelings for me (or somehow learning more about her feelings) compared with the intense interest I have when thinking about Jessica.
It’s so painful to have your personal reality, your feelings, be so completely out of sync with those of the person you are in love with.
For me, hoping that Julie was at least flattered in some small way by my attentions is the straw I cling to. Her blush is the only image of her I want to see in my mind, but the one of horror when I told her she “fascinated” me is one I can’t shake. I wish that knowing you’ve felt the same pain could make us both feel better.
Comment by Dion Burn — June 15, 2009 @ 9:58 pm
Yeah, Dion, I know what you mean about wanting to remember only certain things, like a blush or a smile with good eye contact. But all those other signals are in my mind, too, ways in which it showed to me she clearly was NOT interested.
Comment by Lonesome Loser — June 17, 2009 @ 1:54 pm