I’m thinking this will be my final post on this blog. It seems a good day for it, I have a sore throat and a fever so I’m kind of out of it and have more distance on everything.
What to say? Jessica just feels so far away from me now. She’s probably had kids or will be having them shortly, probably has moved, is surely further along in her career. I still think about her and miss her but I can’t continue to focus on her.
So what has it all meant? It was very difficult for me to recognize and admit that I was in love with Jessica, and it was very difficult for me to see that her not loving me back didn’t have to be a tragedy. To see that the meaning of this love falls somewhere in between — in between crush/limerence and committed love is real romantic love, in between comedy and tragedy are real non-hyperbolized feelings, in between labels of “can’t live without her love” and “of little consequence” is “vitally important.” My ability to feel and recognize my love has been vitally important for me. It has served as a catalyst for change in my life — my divorce, re-evaluating what I am looking for in a relationship, taking more risks, becoming more engaged with life.
So why was this experience so intense for me? Did I love Jessica more than other women, unrequited or within a relationship? No, not really. Did the love feel different in substantial ways? Well, sort of. The physical and psychological “symptoms” of being in love are pretty consistent with all my previous experiences. But the longing, sense of grief, and edge of desire were much stronger with this one. Overall, it somehow felt more “real” to me. Probably simply because I am older, more self-aware, more confident, more ready for an experience that envelopes all of the qualities of love — strong desire, sustained intimacy, and responsibility or purposefulness.
I hope I fall in love again, I hope I fall in love with someone who loves me back. But even if I don’t fall in love again or get what I want, this experience has been meaningful and worth it. Although I hope I never fall in love with another student or otherwise unavailable person, it’s just too disappointing and painful. My love for Jessica has been real, has been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.
Thanks for listening…
One of the most beautiful, and poigant songs I’ve ever heard is “Caroline, No” by the Beach Boys. Brian Wilson had an unrequited love for a girl, named Carol, when he was in high school – and the result, years later, was the song – original title was: “Carol, I Know”, but when spoken, it sounds like “Caroline, No.” No one is immune from being sucker-punched by limerence – even, and perhaps especially, bright, talented, gifted people. And it sucks. And it takes over everything, just as you’ve described. But take heart: I think that experiences such as yours, and mine, are trying to teach us something. In my case, I thought I was “in love” with guy I’d dated in high school, and hadn’t seen for 40 years (he’s married now, a very successful, extensively published professor at a midwestern, Jesuit university). But you know what I was actually in love with? My own writing. We’d exchanged a few e-mails, and he told me that he really liked my writing, it was creative, interesting, etc. You see, even though he’s a good scientific/medical writer, his e-mails aren’t great – full of typos, misspellings, non sequitors – definitely underwhelming. So it totally pumped my ego to write even more creative missives to him – I could make the process of eating a burrito sound like a religious experience, without being over the top. It’s like the troubadors of old: their objective wasn’t to actually WIN the Lady Fair; it was to glorify their own talents in writing and singing about their love for the Lady Fair. Is it possible that you’re actually in love with exemplary teaching/counseling skills on your part, and Jessica happened to be a focal point? If so -that’s a wonderful thing to realize. Crushes, unrequited love, and even real love may come and go … but our muses never leave us.
Comment by Leslie B — August 12, 2009 @ 4:23 pm
Hi Leslie,
) are as real as requited love. It’s true that Jessica seemed to see me as a pretty good teacher, but she hasn’t been the only student to have that reaction to my teaching, not even the only female attractive student to have that reaction. So, to me, my falling in love with Jessica isn’t any more or less real than falling in love with someone who returns my feelings. The outset of the process is very much the same, although the paths diverge sharply after that. This article on my website details more of my thinking in this area, if you have the time/interest to take a look. Anyway, I appreciate your thoughtful comments, I hope you have the time to come back and read more of the blog and take a look at the website.
Thanks for reading and commenting. Certainly I felt sucker-punched by love, as you put it. It seemed to come out of nowhere, wasn’t something I asked for or looked for, and was overwhelming in its demands. I believe I take your point about being “in love with exemplary teaching/counseling skills” and Jessica happened to be a focal point or conduit. However, like I’ve written about all through this blog and accompanying website, I really believe unrequited love gets a bum rap. It’s seen as a projection, or fantasy, and somehow not real. I think most “true” unrequited love experiences (as opposed to crushes, however we might define the difference, I’m not exactly sure how to quantify it
LL
Comment by Lonesome Loser — August 12, 2009 @ 9:05 pm