I think I have a few more posts left in me, then I’m probably going to close down this blog. I’ll still leave it up for others to access, but I don’t anticipate contributing many new posts, if any, to it anymore. (I’ll continue to work on the website, though).
In case I haven’t communicated my conflicted feelings very well, let me just say that sometimes when I’m away from this blog I have strong urges to immediately delete these embarrassing and vulnerable self-disclosures. I think “What was I thinking?! That was really a bad idea, you need to shut it down right now before people actually figure out who the hell you are.” When I’m away from it, I see my behaviors as more adolescent and obsessive. I truly regret my intrusive use of the internet.
But what doesn’t appreciably change is my evaluation of my feelings. I still say I fell in romantic love with Jessica, I mean it brought me to my knees. I don’t love her the way we use the word to communicate commitment and intimate knowledge of a person, I don’t really know her. But I was in love with her for quite a while. It’s hard to know exactly when you cross the line from being in love, to having been in love. I’m not sure there is a clear boundary. Like everything else in life, it’s a gradation, an attenuation of feeling that doesn’t ever fully go away. It just becomes less all-consuming, I have become less possessed.
I’d like to post on the following topics before I close down: why this “nice Catholic girl” type, how did I decide it was love vs. a crush, why didn’t I pursue her more openly or make a clear declaration of love/affection/desire, was I attracted to her or did I feel something for her in an earlier class we had together…
I feel your pain all to well. Unrequited love is a bitch.
…It leaves so many questions unanswered…your mind racing obsessively; turning one into a love sleuth.
Then, for myself, I realized the object of my affection was never going to love me as much as I did them. Thank goodness for the self-awareness to finally arrive; allowing myself to recognize this pattern and acknowledge my addiction; my love addiction to unavailable men.
I am still working on getting this person out of my head. My situation was in an academic setting as well, advocated with ignoring this person till the semester was over…. sending an email over the summer break… with no response back. And to add more fuel to the fire, the following semester I had another class with him. I was tormented by being in class with him, as he never came up to talk to me again or even make an effort to have a conversation.
I suffered in silence the whole semester, with my heart sinking into the floor every time. I am finally relieved that this class is over and I do not have to encounter this person again (hopefully), as I can work on my core issues of my love addiction.
Well, one positive out of this story is I have fully acknowledged a long term pattern that stems from my loveless childhood. It does make sense to why I would live in a fantasy love world for sooooo long. I am grateful for learning indirectly from this person, as now I can work on loving myself and resolving the unsatisfied traits established when young.
- Forever a romantic, but with a new heart -
Comment by Autumn — December 15, 2009 @ 2:39 am