So, why didn’t I declare my love or at least my sexual/emotional attraction more clearly to Jessica? Straight-forward question, complicated answer. It was a delicate situation due to her recent status as a student of mine.
One part of the answer is I felt I did what I could, said what I could. I waited until after the end of the semester, then emailed with the subtext of trying to start a conversation or identify any interest on her part. I felt confident she knew of my attraction and interest, knew I was sort of knocking on the door, and replied with the subtext of “no thanks, i’m not available/interested.” Considering she was a former student, it was probably most prudent for me to retain this level of discretion. Therapist also reinforced this level of discretion, although we were discussing it when it was memory, not a current situation.
Also, I didn’t want to be offensive or pushy because I knew she was engaged, because I was her former teacher, because I don’t want to be intrusive in general. As I’ve said, I really had to fight with myself not to contact her again after my last email. I really wanted to, and went back and forth about it for 3-4 weeks. But I didn’t want to freak her out, and I felt she had already said “no,” and…
…I was afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of what she might have to say to me to get me to “get it.” Afraid of hearing how she really felt, whatever that may have been. What did she really feel, or how did she really see me? Did she think I was kind of interesting as a teacher, but really not sexually or romantically attractive ? Did she think I was interesting as a teacher, and reasonably attractive, but she is sooo straight she could never see me in any other light? Did she think it was cute that I was so nervous around her, but became offended or embarrassed when I hinted in emails and tried to start a conversation? Would she have said something like “I had no idea you were interested, I didn’t realize I was staring at you so much. I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to lead you on, but no, I’m really not interested, you’re not my type, I’m very happily engaged. And to be honest, you’re a good teacher and I like you, but not my favorite teacher, I really liked {Professor Hot Guy}.” Well, she probably wouldn’t have actually said the last one, but I bet it’s true nonetheless!
But all in all I wish I had talked with her, told her something. Not necessarily that I was in love with her, but I wish we had had a conversation about what was going on, about how I felt, how she felt. But I just wasn’t ready for it at the time. I didn’t even allow myself to become fully conscious of my feelings until after the end of the semester, and the email exchanges seemed an awkward lead in at best to that type of conversation…I really wasn’t sure how she was reacting to the emails — positive, negative, neutral? So, I let it go, and didn’t say anything, and now I wish I had…
