Unrequited Love Blog

Early in June, I get overwhelmed with guilt or embarrassment or something, and confess to my spouse that I’ve had a crush on this student.  I show spouse the series of emails (see “backstory“), minus the last one because I hadn’t written it yet.  Spouse is basically supportive, the reality of my feelings have not set in with her yet, I think.  Spouse clearly expresses her beliefs that

1) Jessica is not interested in me, it would have been easy for her to write something encouraging that would keep the conversation going or whatever, which she really didn’t do and

2) I had “loved” Jessica, or been “in love” with her.

“What?!  No I’m not.  Where did you get that?  It’s a crush.  I found her attractive but that’s all.”  Spouse left for school shortly thereafter.  I felt kind of stunned by all the revelations.  I held on to the back of the sofa, kind of bent over, and suddenly burst into tears.  I’m thinking, “so that’s it?  this is all there is, I just have this friendship-type love with Spouse and I just go to work and come home and get older and die?”  I think “That’s it, I’m not going to see Jessica again, I’m not going to be with her, she’s going to get married and I’ll never see her again and I can’t stand it.”  I feel so sad and depleted, empty yet in desperate pain at the same time…

This concept of being “in love” sinks in over time, and eventually (a few days later, maybe) I have to realize it’s true, I was in love with Jessica, am in love with her.  Meanwhile, I’ve sent my final email, with the unwritten metamessage of “I get it, you’re not interested, I’ll back off.”

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I’m frustrated and disappointed Jessica didn’t respond to my last email, even though it was clearly intended to be a last email from me. Still, I’m high on love. I can’t sleep or eat, I don’t feel hungry. I’m buoyant with increased energy. I take the dogs for really long walks so I can listen to my “love soundtrack” on iPod and think. I’m so sexually preoccupied I often blush in therapy sessions, to the point my patients are noticing. Intellectually I know she isn’t interested, she said “no,” but emotionally I don’t really know that, I don’t feel it. I’m hopeful, impossibly hopeful, but somehow I feel hopeful.

Thinking about her 99% of the time.

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I can’t sleep or eat, am losing weight. I feel anxiety rather than increased energy, since I’m more aware of being rejected. Still can’t quite absorb the “no.” Maybe if I pushed it more, maybe if I reworded things differently, she would feel encouraged to respond.  If only I weren’t so fucking fat.

Thinking of many clever responses to hypothetical emails:

“<startle> pardon? What?! What do I want? Well, how about

1) an intense, utterly absorbing sexual affair or

2) a somewhat less intense but still preoccupying emotional affair,

or if neither of the top two will do, how about

3) a guarded effort at friendship?”

Still thinking about her 99% of the time.

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Still not sleeping. I lie awake literally for several hours each night, finally falling asleep early in the morning for a few hours.  Weight continues to drop, but my appetite is stabilizing.

Thinking about her 99% of the time.

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I miss her. I feel irritated with my spouse, my life. All this responsibility and no pleasure. At the same time, I feel guilty about my feelings, and feel love toward my spouse (companionate love). One day, I feel a pressure, something is coming, something is wrong. I think to myself “maybe I need to cry about Jessica again.” Then, the feelings wash over me. I cry, alone on the sofa, with spouse at school. I miss her and feel the loss, the impossibility of being with her, and the disconnect between my intense feelings and my rational knowledge that I don’t really know this girl. I feel marginally better afterwards.

Thinking about her 95% of the time.

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