Unrequited Love Blog

I feel so alone with my feelings. I feel ashamed of my feelings and actions. She probably thought I was completely inappropriate, and I offended her and freaked her out. Maybe she feels sorry for me because I didn’t get her first couple of “no” answers, and had to make a more obvious pass, then she felt sorry for me and guilty and I felt embarrassed and ashamed. These feelings came in waves from about July onward, but more so after a few months.

Thinking about her 95% of the time.

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Had Thanksgiving dinner with spouse at in-law’s house.  Felt distant, thought about Jessica all day.  I felt emotionally flat in the current context.  Not exactly that I did not have any emotions toward spouse and in-laws, but that my connections seem much less intense, more vague, less real than the connection with Jessica that is going on in my head.  The fantasies I’m having about Jessica are clearly fantasies, spun out stories of what a life with her might be like.  I have ideas of what her family would be like, she has siblings, at least one older sister (again, in my fantasies, I have no idea about reality) who is supportive of us.  Her mother is a fairly strong figure in my fantasies.  She is difficult, angry I am not a man, angry I took Jessica away from her fiance, but her irritability with me is largely bluster.  Jessica’s mother and I verbally spar back and forth, but there is an undercurrent of acceptance coming from her mother.

This is interesting.  My spouse’s parents have been wonderfully accepting and supportive.  Mother-in-law had more difficulty with the same-sex thing at first, but she’s always been great to me – loving, accepting, buys me clothing along with buying her daughter clothing.  I really like my father-in-law.  He is gruff, Republican, but has always been accepting and warm, loveable.  So, why do I need a fantasy of a whole new set of in-laws with Jessica?  Why do I spar with her mother instead of being overtly accepted and accepting?  Something about the level of energy in the sparing dynamic is appealing to me…closeness without simplicity?

Thinking about her 95% of the time.

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Still very preoccupied with her.  Christmas is similar to Thanksgiving.

Still thinking about her 95% of the time.

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When will I move beyond these feelings? Still hoping she might be interested, just needed a push or more clarification. Or maybe she was interested but unable to do anything about it – engaged, social pressure, too big a bridge to cross.  Yeah, right.  But still, maybe if I pushed again, worded things differently…I’m exhausted, tired of this love, yet unwilling and unable to let it go…

Thinking about her 99% of the time.

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Thinking more about my marriage, feeling it would feel so good to have a clean house, a smaller condo, in the city. I could date and sleep around, and keep a clean house.  A not-insignificant reason for my frustration in my marriage is the state of the house (read wrong-with-marriage post ).  It would be such a relief to have a dishwasher, clean counters, a living space that was not cluttered or overstuffed.  I think about sex with others but I still really have no interest in anyone but Jessica, especially emotionally.

Still thinking about Jessica pretty much all the time (95%).

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