I think I have a few more posts left in me, then I’m probably going to close down this blog. I’ll still leave it up for others to access, but I don’t anticipate contributing many new posts, if any, to it anymore. (I’ll continue to work on the website, though).
In case I haven’t communicated my conflicted feelings very well, let me just say that sometimes when I’m away from this blog I have strong urges to immediately delete these embarrassing and vulnerable self-disclosures. I think “What was I thinking?! That was really a bad idea, you need to shut it down right now before people actually figure out who the hell you are.” When I’m away from it, I see my behaviors as more adolescent and obsessive. I truly regret my intrusive use of the internet.
But what doesn’t appreciably change is my evaluation of my feelings. I still say I fell in romantic love with Jessica, I mean it brought me to my knees. I don’t love her the way we use the word to communicate commitment and intimate knowledge of a person, I don’t really know her. But I was in love with her for quite a while. It’s hard to know exactly when you cross the line from being in love, to having been in love. I’m not sure there is a clear boundary. Like everything else in life, it’s a gradation, an attenuation of feeling that doesn’t ever fully go away. It just becomes less all-consuming, I have become less possessed.
I’d like to post on the following topics before I close down: why this “nice Catholic girl” type, how did I decide it was love vs. a crush, why didn’t I pursue her more openly or make a clear declaration of love/affection/desire, was I attracted to her or did I feel something for her in an earlier class we had together…
I often wonder how off I might be in my estimation of Jessica’s likely reactions to my feelings or the info contained in this blog. I mean, I base my prediction on how I might feel if I learned similar info about this woman who has been in love or limerence with me. I believe my basic reaction would be a combination of flattered, amused tolerance, and a sense I was somewhat idealized or unrealistically perceived. I don’t think I would have too strong a negative reaction, even to the woman’s online searches for me and cyber-invasion of privacy. I feel I would see the woman (who is a real person, so I’m thinking of her in particular) as harmless, not too fucked up, feel flattered at the attention and feel badly she was in such pain. So this is how I think Jessica would also basically react, based on how I would feel, and based on my understanding of Jessica as an individual.
But I don’t know that. I mean, I’ve been thinking about Jessica for two years now. My feelings have abated somewhat but still seem to be there and to fluctuate in intensity. The truth is I’ve got pages and pages of this obsessive shit on here, and it might be kind of frightening or at least pathetic. It doesn’t feel particularly pathetic to me, but I’m on the inside of it. Maybe Jessica would see the site (and my feelings & behaviors) as…I don’t know, ridiculous, pathetic, obsessive, unrealistic, intrusive, frightening…Early on my (ex)spouse worked hard at helpfully having me understand that Jessica’s likely reaction to my emails was something like “Ok, thanks, well, bye creepy teacher, bye..” sidling away as quickly as politely possible.
Am I crafting a beautiful remembrance to Jessica and to my love for her? Or am I obsessively wallowing in a self-created hell (“abandon all hope, ye who enter here…”)? So I wonder if Jessica would see this site as a sort of Taj Mahal to my love for her, or as a Tomb of my insanity (obsessive, delusional)?
I’m struggling to understand that Jessica may have felt flattered by my interest, but she simply didn’t return it. What I mean is, it’s so painful to think that when my attraction came to light, she felt a visceral response of being repelled, or left clammy, completely unmoved as far as an instinctive sexual/bonding response. That she felt flat upon being offered my love and sexual attention. Not necessarily horrified (I hope), but just not interested. It’s just so bizarre to try and fully understand or know that I can really want and really love Jessica, and she can feel basically nothing in return, or nothing of substance. Yet I know this to be true, I have felt it myself when someone really likes me and is attracted to me and I’m flattered but just not interested. I try and think about this one woman whom I know fell in love or limerence with me. There is just no way I can muster up the level of intense engagement in thinking about her or her feelings for me (or somehow learning more about her feelings) compared with the intense interest I have when thinking about Jessica.
It’s so painful to have your personal reality, your feelings, be so completely out of sync with those of the person you are in love with.
Well, I’ve begun having recreational sex. I started a blog about my experiences but nevermind where and under what name. Since in the current blog it’s not inconceivable that any number of people I know might actually deduce my identity at some point, I thought I would spare all of us the sordid details and blog about my sexcapades anonymously elsewhere.
The point is, after driving home yesterday from a somewhat abortive casual sex encounter with a man, I had the most powerful sexual fantasies about Jessica that I’ve had in quite a while. I had this whole fantasy of her answering an ad placed by me and the guy for a threesome. She shows up, we sort of pretend not to know each other, and we all begin having sex. I really become focused on Jessica and we have very exciting, emotionally-driven sex, with lots of intense eye contact. The guy, Steve, watches and participates a bit, we don’t mind and don’t want to fully leave him out (it’s his place and our threesome, afterall). There’s lots of sunlight and I have a very happy feeling. I’m rocked by these fantasies for at least half-an-hour, all while driving home.
So, what the hell? I’m having sex, it’s feeling good, but instead of helping me forget about Jessica it has actually made my sexual feelings stronger and sexual fantasies more specific than they’ve been in a while.
I always have apocalyptic fantasies when I’m in love. I’ve been thinking about what the meaning of these ubiquitous fantasies might be. Like I’ve said in previous posts, I tend to run toward biological explanations for social behavior. So, the appeal of apocalyptic fantasies is no surprise, it sort of hangs together. “Back to basics” being the theme of biology and disaster, I suppose.
My fantasies involve basically one of two scenarios:
There is some sort of nuclear or social disaster, and I drive to Jessica’s place (or whoever I’m focused on for the moment), we take dogs, guns, and various assorted relatives and head for a more rural area to stake a claim in the post-apocalyptic world.
There isn’t really a disaster per se, but Jessica and I have a quiet and private revelation that life as we know it just is not what we want. We want something more “real,” more vital. We move out to an isolated area, or maybe a commune, often in these fantasies she is already pregnant, and we raise a family.
I think the psychological issue bubbling up from my unconscious to the surface is a desire to have a more meaningful, engaging, focused life. To excel under pressure, to focus on survival to the eclipse of everything else (societal expectations like the rat race, social niceties, personal and community politics, keeping up with the Joneses, etc). I want to focus solely on being with Jessica, perhaps with a small community of like-minded others, farming and hunting, communing with nature. It has come to me that these are basically Eden-before-the-Fall fantasies, idyllic natural settings with an idyllic natural focus (procreation, protection of loved ones, intimate communities, living closer to the edge of procuring food and safety, closer to nature’s red tooth and claw).
Classic love/limerence fantasies. It just speaks to me of what has been missing in my life, what I have not yet had the courage to pursue — deeper engagement, real romantic love (I’ve had shadows of romantic love in the past but I’m really ready for the deeper stuff now), sacrifice for my immediate family, and the establishment of core values that make the anemic offerings of bland 21st century society pale in comparison.
Apocalypse. End of the world (as we know it). Return me to a state of grace.
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Jul 11 2009
