Unrequited Love Blog

Just thought I’d share that I’m feeling sad again today. Depressed, really. I think it’s related to my upcoming divorce and feeling unattractive and alone. I’m thinking a little about Jessica and trying not to. I’m more aware she is likely starting a family, she will be pregnant any day now (if she’s hasn’t already had a baby) and really moving forward with her life, and I really need to not be thinking about her. Even my thinking about her feels intrusive (towards her, I mean).  I really need to not be thinking about a pregnant, married woman.

And I can feel depression on the heels of love, I can feel it coming. It’s partly wrapped up in not being able to be with or get to know Jessica, but bigger than that, too. The bone-weary, depleted, tears-in-my-throat sort of feeling of being disappointed in life, disappointed in myself, having the veils of self-delusion ripped away by reality. “What? Romance? Listen, you’re not that hot. Face it, you’re middle-aged. You really should of just kept what you had. You can’t afford a decent place in the city, anyway. Your dog is a huge problem (and certainly doesn’t win you friends). You’ll be poor and alone, instead of just poor.”

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As the weather improves, I’m thinking more about leaving my marriage — how to do so, what it will be like, and (still) is it the right decision? I cannot wait for a clean house with a dishwasher and Starbucks within walking distance.

But I’m also acutely aware of my age. I swear when I look in the mirror I look older every day (eye bags, fine wrinkles). I still feel fairly young, , like in my early to mid-thirties.  But my body doesn’t seem to match.  I’m thinking about the loss associated with aging.  Like, for years I have wanted to get a motorcycle, a cruiser-type like the Honda Rebel, but kept putting it off.  In my thirties riding a motorcycle would have made me look interesting; in my 40s, I would just look ridiculous.  I feel like the opportunity is past, and I’ve missed out.  I’m afraid the same thing is happening with dating and sex.  In my 20s and 30s, great, lots of opportunity.  In my 40s, not so much, I might have a difficult time dating women I find attractive.  I’ll be a little too old and my age won’t be balanced out by my income (I live a very middle-class existence, no expensive vacations to offer or dinners at 4 star restaurants).

Falling in love seems to be a natural process.  Meaning, it’s hard to force it with online dating or even with meeting others at thinly disguised singles events.  Romantic love seems to need the element of surprise amongst the ordinary, or at least it seems so for me.  I fall in love with people after I’ve observed them for a while, or gotten to know them a little bit in a natural setting such as work or the community.  Basically, I’m afraid I won’t fall in love again.  I might date, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to feel what I want to feel — that electric-buzz, gut-dropping, google-eyed excitement of wanting to merge with someone completely.

I’m still thinking about Jessica, feeling more angry at not having any chance with her.  Not angry with anyone in particular, including myself, just frustrated with the barriers to getting what I want. It’s actually amazing I’m still thinking about her and feeling deprived, sad, achey.  What if Jessica is the last woman I’ll ever fall in love with?  Will leaving my marriage, leaving my spouse, still be worth it?  Would I rather be alone than be with Spouse?  That’s really the question.  Right now, I feel I really want my own apartment, clean, with only one dog, in the city, the capacity to date and have sex.  But how long will I feel this way if I try to date only to be repeatedly rejected, come home to a lonely dog, and still very little money?

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Romance aside, or dead-and-buried, a post-hoc analysis of why I might have fallen in love with Jessica, in particular, follows.

Much of it likely had to do with timing.  I am disappointed in my marriage, sexually and emotionally.  I am feeling my age, feeling bored and isolated, wanting to be young again and generally experiencing a mid-life crisis.  A mid-life crisis that includes grief about not having children, so I fall for someone who is still young enough to bear children.  My Spouse tends to disagree with many of my psychological explanations for people’s behavior, despite asking me for my informed opinion.  Jessica seemed to think I knew what I was talking about.  She seemed to admire me and see me as competent or impactful.  She kept staring at me sort of wistfully, it pulled soft, romantic feelings from me.  She offered an intimacy of communication, of psychological-mindedness, that resonated with me.  Her being heterosexually identified (as far as I know), the power of crafting a seduction story was very appealing.  The admiration and romantic pull  made for a heavy dose of strong sexual attraction.  All these things came together in a way that made me view Jessica, a perfectly ordinary person, in an extraordinary light.  This is what Tennov called the process of  “crystallization” in love or limerance.

Please offer comments…

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Well, yes.  Several times.  Not for quite a while, though.  Plus, I think you kind of forget what the experience really feels like when you’re outside of it, when you’re not in love.  Kind of like childbirth, you forget the pain so you can talk yourself into trying to have another one.

This love has stuck with me the longest past the “final contact.”  Being in love past the end of a relationship, or past the physical removal of proximity to my loved one, has generally lasted 6 months or so, maybe 8-10 for one woman.  This “in love” period for Jessica was around 17-18 months, much longer.  Not necessarily stronger than feelings of being in love with other women, but definitely longer.  I’m not sure why, I’ll think on it.

To me, being in love feels the same in a broad way, but the specifics can vary.  Like, being in love broadly involves strong sexual feelings, a desire for emotional connection through sex and in a multitude of other ways, feeling soft or vulnerable towards that person, feeling protective of that person, feeling possessive of that person.  But being in love with a particular person is nuanced and changes the “flavor” of the dish (or the patterns the lightning makes, or rhythm of the cresting waves, whatever metaphor you prefer).

Being in love with Jessica is bringing out dominant features of my love.  I feel more protective, much more possessive.  Although as I’ve mentioned in a previous post (“backstory“), not as much sexually possessive as emotionally possessive.  I want her to belong to me.  This is not necessarily how I’ve felt with past loves.  Something about Jessica or my feelings toward her brings out what I would call a mating instinct, a desire to let everyone around know she is mine, a desire to physically fight for her, to protect her, to make sure she gets through life safely, to increase my provider status by making more money, working harder and longer hours.  Some of my fantasies involve having babies but I would say the major focus is on me as a dominant provider rather than as a parent.

Now, undoubtedly this “mating instinct” nuance of my feelings is related to my mid-life crisis, feeling grief about not having children or a nuclear family, feeling older in general and wanting to be younger again.  However, I strongly feel these feelings are not complete projection on my part, but that something about the dynamic I felt with Jessica brings out these particular feelings.

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Why do I feel so lonely today? Sad and depleted? I feel my feelings of love are going away, I just can’t sustain them in the same way, and I’m not sure why. Is it because I know she’s married? Because of my feelings at my brother’s wedding (see October, Month 17 in Retro Blog)? The change in the weather? I think about her intelligence level, the amount of debt she must be taking on. I collude bitchily with myself, how education majors aren’t so bright, how she is more socially aware than smart, how she can’t spell for shit. What does he do for work? Do they have enough money? Do I miss her? What do I miss? Why am I so obsessive, how much responsibility do I bring to the process?

Am I able to be a good provider? How much money does it take to make a “good provider?” Do I need to expand my practice? Take up testing, take on associates? What would impress women? Specifically, younger women, who might still be of childbearing age…I feel so disconnected from life, so old. 40+ years of basically waiting to die? No kids to raise? No significant work contribution outside of helping some people feel better about themselves and their lives, which might have happened anyway over the course of time or just by talking with anyone who would listen. Helping people feel better matters, of course, but the work is so isolating and I’m not at all sure anyone couldn’t do it.

Why do I want her to see these pages? Am I hoping to change her mind? To get a dose of reality? And what would her reaction be – anger, embarrassment, mildly flattered, anxious, strongly flattered, shocked, afraid, amused, guilt, shame?

Thinking about her 90% of the time.

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