Unrequited Love Blog

Well, I have, actually.  I have emailed a couple of friends, who don’t live in the area.  But I don’t talk with anyone locally about my feelings or my blog.  For one thing, it just feels too risky to me, I can’t have anything getting around about “Professor {my name} really wanted this student, she tried to talk to her but the student wasn’t interested” — basically gaining me a negative and predatory reputation, even if that wasn’t the intent of the gossipers.  For another thing, after a while people just don’t want to hear about this stuff.  I don’t mention too much in my emails anymore, at least not about Jessica or this blog.  I do still talk about my marriage/divorce, of course.

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The impression on my ring finger from my wedding ring has almost faded away.  We’re fixing up the house, preparing to place it on the market this summer.  Spouse and I are still getting along, still cuddling at night (which is a comfort), and talking with each other about our daily lives.

I’m becoming more anxious about my finances post-divorce, my ability to purchase a decent condo in a neighborhood that I want to live in.  It’s all so overwhelming.  I feel loved by my Spouse, and love her in return, and I think again if I am making the right decision or not.  Will I regret it?  Am I being self-indulgent, immature, unrealistic?

I can only hope to find another woman who I have more in common with and a strong sexual attraction to, but even then it won’t be Spouse.  It will be someone else.  I will love someone else and so will Spouse.  I feel sad and scared.  I won’t have the same emotional relationship with someone else, which is good in some ways but there are things I will miss –  Spouse takes care of me emotionally and to some extent practically in ways that no one else will likely do.  Spouse sort of acts like I am her child, but in a way that feels good to me.  She worries about my diet and health, she brings me food or something to drink, she understands how I “work” emotionally, my vulnerabilities and assumptions.  Could be that no one else will be with me in these same ways.  It will be a new relationship with different ways of working together emotionally.  Will I feel lonely?  Will I ever miss Spouse?

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I’m feeling better today, more hopeful, and more “not-in-love” with Jessica.  I’m seeing her as more of a fantasy, or a woman I had a crush on, than anything else.  I’ve definitely felt differently in the past, even recent past, and I may feel differently again.  But for now, I feel

1. ridiculous for still thinking about Jessica
2. ridiculous for hoping she had ever continued to think about me
3. mildly pleased at fond memories of my interactions with this young woman
4. sorry that I wrote this blog.  I think it’s a pretty good one, and it’s helpful to me, but I feel embarrassed at all the personal stuff I’ve put out there, at how immature or obsessive I might sound.

Maybe this is because of changes going on at home.  My spouse made us take off our wedding rings last night, so we’re not wearing them anymore.  I have mixed feelings about this, but I wonder if it is playing into my feeling better and hopeful.  Also, the weather is great today, sunny and warmish, after a long time of cool, grey weather.  So, I’m looking forward more to what I might be able to make of my life now.  And also feeling anxious about my ability to make any real, lasting changes.  It’s always a mixed bag.

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I just don’t want to let go. I really should at this point. And to be honest, my body is ready to let go of being in love, so to speak. Meaning I don’t have most of the symptoms of being in romantic love (intrusive thoughts/fantasies, can’t sleep or eat, nervousness, extreme preoccupation).

I think I’m kind of hanging on to my feelings and memories about Jessica because I want to avoid the pain and emptiness of my upcoming divorce. And I really need to let go of her because she really is married and will likely be pregnant any day now, etc.

More to the painful point, she’s not secretly online looking up unrequited love and reading this blog, despite all my fantasies to the contrary.  More to the painful point, she’s probably really in love with her husband (just like she said she was), despite all my fantasies to the contrary. More to the painful point, I’m probably really looking pathetic on this blog, despite my fantasies of looking world-weary and self-aware.

I’m probably going to have to go through a long period of feeling empty, depressed, lonely, disillusioned, during and after my divorce. And it will be a while before I’m really able to even begin to see another woman in a romantic light.

Fuck this shit.  At least if I were straight I’d have more options for dating, numbers-wise.

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This may be a bad decision. As my divorce becomes more real, I’m more afraid I will regret it. That I’m being childish, selfish, fantastical, and trying to act way too young for my age. Not sure what to do about this. I try to think, if I were my own patient, what would I recommend or how would I see myself? It’s hard to get outside of yourself, but I think I would see myself as perhaps a bit unrealistic regarding relationships, but also that I am in a not-so-good marriage and I could probably feel happier with someone else.

The more you talk about something, the more real it gets, the more committed you become to that course of action. I can feel this happening to me with my divorce, I just hope it won’t be an “oops” situation.

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