Unrequited Love Blog

I think I have a few more posts left in me, then I’m probably going to close down this blog.  I’ll still leave it up for others to access, but I don’t anticipate contributing many new posts, if any, to it anymore.  (I’ll continue to work on the website, though).

In case I haven’t communicated my conflicted feelings very well, let me just say that sometimes when I’m away from this blog I have strong urges to immediately delete these embarrassing and vulnerable self-disclosures.  I think “What was I thinking?!  That was really a bad idea, you need to shut it down right now before people actually figure out who the hell you are.”  When I’m away from it, I see my behaviors as more adolescent and obsessive.  I truly regret my intrusive use of the internet.

But what doesn’t appreciably change is my evaluation of my feelings.  I still say I fell in romantic love with Jessica, I mean it brought me to my knees.  I don’t love her the way we use the word to communicate commitment and intimate knowledge of a person, I don’t really know her.  But I was in love with her for quite a while.  It’s hard to know exactly when you cross the line from being in love, to having been in love.  I’m not sure there is a clear boundary.  Like everything else in life, it’s a gradation, an attenuation of feeling that doesn’t ever fully go away.  It just becomes less all-consuming, I have become less possessed.

I’d like to post on the following topics before I close down:  why this “nice Catholic girl” type, how did I decide it was love vs. a crush, why didn’t I pursue her more openly or make a  clear declaration of love/affection/desire, was I attracted to her or did I feel something for her in an earlier class we had together…

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It occurs to me that there is no such thing as second place, or even a consolation prize, in love — you either win or you lose.  Even if you develop or maintain a friendship, unless you fall completely out of love with the person, friendship surely does not fill the space in your soul that Love had tenderly and hopefully created.

I have fantasies of friendship with Jessica, but there is always something else going on in the relationship.  The fantasy tends to run like we’re friends but she’s unhappy or unfulfilled in her marriage and slowly falls in love with me.  There is unremarked sexual tension, lots of sunlight, she likes my huge protective dog (which is a love-worthy feat all on its own, believe me), she hangs out in my condo a lot (nice, clean condo with dishwasher and attractive decor for those who have been reading this blog earlier), we talk a lot and get to know each other.

Sometimes the fantasy ends with Jessica being unwilling or unable to leave her husband, and I’m miserable.  Or she does leave and it’s a huge drama with hurt feelings (husband, parents) and anger (parents).  Either way, I either win or lose, but no consolation prize, I can’t maintain a consolation prize fantasy.

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I’m feeling better today, more hopeful, and more “not-in-love” with Jessica.  I’m seeing her as more of a fantasy, or a woman I had a crush on, than anything else.  I’ve definitely felt differently in the past, even recent past, and I may feel differently again.  But for now, I feel

1. ridiculous for still thinking about Jessica
2. ridiculous for hoping she had ever continued to think about me
3. mildly pleased at fond memories of my interactions with this young woman
4. sorry that I wrote this blog.  I think it’s a pretty good one, and it’s helpful to me, but I feel embarrassed at all the personal stuff I’ve put out there, at how immature or obsessive I might sound.

Maybe this is because of changes going on at home.  My spouse made us take off our wedding rings last night, so we’re not wearing them anymore.  I have mixed feelings about this, but I wonder if it is playing into my feeling better and hopeful.  Also, the weather is great today, sunny and warmish, after a long time of cool, grey weather.  So, I’m looking forward more to what I might be able to make of my life now.  And also feeling anxious about my ability to make any real, lasting changes.  It’s always a mixed bag.

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I just don’t want to let go. I really should at this point. And to be honest, my body is ready to let go of being in love, so to speak. Meaning I don’t have most of the symptoms of being in romantic love (intrusive thoughts/fantasies, can’t sleep or eat, nervousness, extreme preoccupation).

I think I’m kind of hanging on to my feelings and memories about Jessica because I want to avoid the pain and emptiness of my upcoming divorce. And I really need to let go of her because she really is married and will likely be pregnant any day now, etc.

More to the painful point, she’s not secretly online looking up unrequited love and reading this blog, despite all my fantasies to the contrary.  More to the painful point, she’s probably really in love with her husband (just like she said she was), despite all my fantasies to the contrary. More to the painful point, I’m probably really looking pathetic on this blog, despite my fantasies of looking world-weary and self-aware.

I’m probably going to have to go through a long period of feeling empty, depressed, lonely, disillusioned, during and after my divorce. And it will be a while before I’m really able to even begin to see another woman in a romantic light.

Fuck this shit.  At least if I were straight I’d have more options for dating, numbers-wise.

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I guess I’m getting mad because something still hurts. Even more now, maybe. I think of Jessica married and having kids and being happy and I just feel sick, sick and lonely. My chest hurts, I’m vaguely sick to my stomach. I see her becoming traditional, hardly ever going out, growing apart from her husband emotionally, bored at home with the baby. (Believe me, this is pretty much what happens in most marriages, according to my textbooks and according to my patients.) I see her husband simply not being able to offer her the level of emotional intimacy she wants, most men simply don’t work that way. Aside:  Of course, this part of the fantasy is ridiculous as well as self-serving, it’s unfair to characterize him as such a stereotype, I don’t know what he’s really like. Plus, I think about the men in my own life (brother, cousin, friends, patients) and I know they love, and love well, but just aren’t good at identifying their feelings and talking — it doesn’t mean they see the women in their lives as two-dimensional objects of ownership. Or another version of that fantasy that I spontaneously torture myself with involves her staying more active and engaged, having a successful career, becoming more self-confident, getting hit on by colleagues on a regular basis (which pisses me off to no end).  Either way, she is retreating into the distance, and I miss her, I swear I do.

But what the hell?  How real can this be at this point?  Even to begin with I barely knew this woman, didn’t talk or interact with her very much.  I know that I should recognize her as a fantasy that has very little to do with the actual person, but it doesn’t feel that way.  It still feels real. And I don’t understand why this love is hanging around so long.  Is this something I am doing to myself to push through my divorce?  Am I just prone to fantasy and she is my current favorite character?  What’s changed is that I don’t feel feverish and crazy, I’m not staying up nights unable to sleep, or unable to eat.  My mind isn’t focused on Jessica 99% of the time, the cognitive intrusiveness of love/limerence has faded considerably.  I don’t really feel “in love” but something remains, I’m just not sure what to call it — love, obsession, fantasy distraction, wounded pride, childhood disappointment?

What I can say with some degree of certitude is that as you get older, falling in love actually becomes more real, rather than less real.  You’re more able to see the other person in a realistic way, rather than placing him/her on a pedastel or looking to them to save you.  This deeper level of “real” to being in love also makes it hurt more, and I think, longer.

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