Unrequited Love Blog

I have been thinking back over times I believed someone was in love with me, or had a crush on me, that I didn’t return. A student who seemed really attracted and interested. I don’t think I treated her particularly well, I just didn’t pay enough attention to what was going on. When I did recognize her interest in me, I felt flattered (“how cute” and “wow I can’t believe she finds me that attractive”) and slightly off-put at the same time. A visceral sense of “uh oh, trouble” or “oh god” or “wow that’s a strong feeling I’m getting from her,” that felt in my gut, and a clinching in, a withdrawing into myself. This girl is physically attractive, bright, engaging, and I’m just not interested, I’m just not. I like her, and see her as attractive, but I’m just not attracted to her. I wonder if this girl felt for me what I felt for Jessica. Was she in pain for a long time? Did she have powerful sexual fantasies, feel buoyant with love, feel empty with the hollowness of rejection? I’ve hardly thought of this girl, except in the context of comparing my experience with Jessica. I feel guilty and regret my callousness, the ease with which I felt only mildly flattered and the ease of my dismissiveness.

I’m also remembering many years ago, when a friend of my brother’s developed a liking to me.  I was about 16, I think, maybe 18.  Anyway, this guy for some reason really wanted to be with me.  He came over to the house (with my brother) and asked me to talk with him.  I went out the garage door and he immediately blurted out “will you be my girlfriend?”  I was surprised/shocked, although he had already expressed interest.  I said no, that I didn’t really know him and we didn’t have much in common and I was usually away at college (so I must have been about 18).  This guy was hurt and frustrated, complained, “gaaahh, why not?!”  He was never direspectful or threatening, but he was clearly frustrated and hurt, near tears that I would not be his girlfriend.  I was just flabbergasted by the whole thing.  I would have dated the guy out of flattery and for something to do if I had been at all interested.  He was tall and heavily built, not fat just kind of big like a linebacker.  But, he wasn’t that bright, wasn’t going to college, and I didn’t know him at all. Anyway, I’m just wondering about his feelings, where they came from, what they meant to him, how I wish I had been a little smoother in the manner in which I rejected him.

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