Unrequited Love Blog

So, why didn’t I declare my love or at least my sexual/emotional attraction more clearly to Jessica?  Straight-forward question, complicated answer.  It was a delicate situation due to her recent status as a student of mine.

One part of the answer is I felt I did what I could, said what I could.  I waited until after the end of the semester, then emailed with the subtext of trying to start a conversation or identify any interest on her part.  I felt confident she knew of my attraction and interest, knew I was sort of knocking on the door, and replied with the subtext of “no thanks, i’m not available/interested.”  Considering she was a former student, it was probably most prudent for me to retain this level of discretion.  Therapist also reinforced this level of discretion, although we were discussing it when it was memory, not a current situation.

Also, I didn’t want to be offensive or pushy because I knew she was engaged, because I was her former teacher, because I don’t want to be intrusive in general.  As I’ve said, I really had to fight with myself not to contact her again after my last email.  I really wanted to, and went back and forth about it for 3-4 weeks.  But I didn’t want to freak her out, and I felt she had already said “no,” and…

…I was afraid.  Afraid of rejection, afraid of what she might have to say to me to get me to “get it.”  Afraid of hearing how she really felt, whatever that may have been. What did she really feel, or how did she really see me?  Did she think I was kind of interesting as a teacher, but really not sexually or romantically attractive ?  Did she think I was interesting as a teacher, and reasonably attractive, but she is sooo straight she could never see me in any other light?  Did she think it was cute that I was so nervous around her, but became offended or embarrassed when I hinted in emails and tried to start a conversation?  Would she have said something like “I had no idea you were interested, I didn’t realize I was staring at you so much.  I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to lead you on, but no, I’m really not interested, you’re not my type, I’m very happily engaged.  And to be honest, you’re a good teacher and I like you, but not my favorite teacher, I really liked {Professor Hot Guy}.”  Well, she probably wouldn’t have actually said the last one, but I bet it’s true nonetheless!

But all in all I wish I had talked with her, told her something.  Not necessarily that I was in love with her, but I wish we had had a conversation about what was going on, about how I felt, how she felt.  But I just wasn’t ready for it at the time.  I didn’t even allow myself to become fully conscious of my feelings until after the end of the semester, and the email exchanges seemed an awkward lead in at best to that type of conversation…I really wasn’t sure how she was reacting to the emails — positive, negative, neutral?  So, I let it go, and didn’t say anything, and now I wish I had…

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I often wonder how off I might be in my estimation of Jessica’s likely reactions to my feelings or the info contained in this blog.  I mean, I base my prediction on how I might feel if I learned similar info about this woman who has been in love or limerence with me.  I believe my basic reaction would be a combination of flattered, amused tolerance, and a sense I was somewhat idealized or unrealistically perceived. I don’t think I would have too strong a negative reaction, even to the woman’s online searches for me and cyber-invasion of privacy.  I feel I would see the woman (who is a real person, so I’m thinking of her in particular) as harmless, not too fucked up, feel flattered at the attention and feel badly she was in such pain.  So this is how I think Jessica would also basically react, based on how I would feel, and based on my understanding of Jessica as an individual.

But I don’t know that.  I mean, I’ve been thinking about Jessica for two years now.  My feelings have abated somewhat but still seem to be there and to fluctuate in intensity.  The truth is I’ve got pages and pages of this obsessive shit on here, and it might be kind of frightening or at least pathetic.  It doesn’t feel particularly pathetic to me, but I’m on the inside of it. Maybe Jessica would see the site (and my feelings & behaviors) as…I don’t know, ridiculous, pathetic, obsessive, unrealistic, intrusive, frightening…Early on my (ex)spouse worked hard at helpfully having me understand that Jessica’s likely reaction to my emails was something like “Ok, thanks, well, bye creepy teacher, bye..” sidling away as quickly as politely possible.

Am I crafting a beautiful remembrance to Jessica and to my love for her?  Or am I obsessively wallowing in a self-created hell (“abandon all hope, ye who enter here…”)? So I wonder if Jessica would see this site as a sort of Taj Mahal to my love for her, or as a Tomb of my insanity (obsessive, delusional)?

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I’m struggling to understand that Jessica may have felt flattered by my interest, but she simply didn’t return it.  What I mean is, it’s so painful to think that when my attraction came to light, she felt a visceral response of being repelled, or left clammy, completely unmoved as far as an instinctive sexual/bonding response.  That she felt flat upon being offered my love and sexual attention.  Not necessarily horrified (I hope), but just not interested.  It’s just so bizarre to try and fully understand or know that I can really want and really love Jessica, and she can feel basically nothing in return, or nothing of substance.  Yet I know this to be true, I have felt it myself when someone really likes me and is attracted to me and I’m flattered but just not interested.  I try and think about this one woman whom I know fell in love or limerence with me.  There is just no way I can muster up the level of intense engagement in thinking about her or her feelings for me (or somehow learning more about her feelings) compared with the intense interest I have when thinking about Jessica.

It’s so painful to have your personal reality, your feelings, be so completely out of sync with those of the person you are in love with.

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[...natter, natter...]

…I wonder if I’ll ever see her again.  Probably at some point, it’s not that big of a town.  How will I feel?  How will she feel?  Will she be nice to me and I’ll feel nervous and condescended to?  I wonder how her life is going, how her career is going…Is she pregnant yet?  Is she happy?  Will she seem more “grown up” to me?  Has she thought of me at all?  I still think about her way too often.  Why why why?  I”m such an idiot.  Why did I become so obvious with my attraction?  Why did I fall in love with her?  Why won’t she love me back?  Was she even tempted?  Is her husband an asshole?  Probably not, but he is probably not as bright (as her, as me).  Does he earn a lot of money?  Fuck him.  I hate him.  Why can’t she be attracted to me?  Why can’t I be talking to her, learning about her thoughts and feelings, living with her?  I wonder if the sex they have is good…Maybe he sucks.  But probably not.  Maybe she wants to fuck him in the ass, and he doesn’t really want to, but he does it to please her.  And then he really doesn’t like it, and hates being submissive, but she really likes it, and makes him do it often!  Haha!  Why, why, why was I such an idiot around her in that last class?  So embarrassed… ….Why can’t I get what I want for once?  How come she doesn’t see me as attractive?    She’s moving on with her life and has forgotten all about me, and I’m pathetically still focused on her…Shit, shit, shit…

[...natter, natter...]

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I keep having vivid fantasies of me walking in on Jessica giving some (male) professor a blow job.  Like he’s someone I know and I am coming to tell him class is ready for him or whatever, and there they are. And she’s a grad student of his.  I don’t know where this stuff comes from, it’s just there, torturing me.

I become so enraged!  In the fantasy and in real life.  Because clearly it’s not that she’s too good to have extramarital sex, or it’s not that she’s 100% happy in her marriage, she just didn’t want me!  I feel stupid and alone and violently angry…

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