Unrequited Love Blog

Over this past weekend, my Spouse called and talked with my mother about a household maintenance issue. Somehow, they ended up talking about our upcoming separation/divorce.  My mother reportedly called me stupid (or said selling the house and moving back to the city is stupid), said I wouldn’t last more than about two months before wanting to return home to Spouse, and that I was never happy anywhere.  Had recommendations on how to “fix” our marriage including cleaning 15 minutes per day, 2 hours on the weekends.  Possibly I should rent an apartment in the city for a couple of months and take my dog (a mean-ass german shepherd) to see if I even liked it or not. It’s funny how Spouse is an echo of mother — both think I am being immature, stupid, need to grow up, should focus on stability, am never happy in my life.

I am pissed off and hurt.  This is my mother for you.  Supporting the Spouse and calling me stupid, although I’m sure her intent is to make my life “better” (or rather, more stable and reliable, which is not the same fucking thing as I’ve discovered over the past 5 years of marriage). Also, this is my mother by suggesting “solutions” that are not practical and are not solutions she herself ever did.  Whose going to rent an apartment to me and a huge, semi-aggressive dog for two months?  And how would I pay apartment rent along with the mortgage when Spouse is still in school and not working? My mother never cleaned house regularly (although the house was never a pit like mine is now), and my mother does not live with my Spouse to know how incredibly messy she is.  Spouse will just drop things (trash and non-trash alike) all around and then leave them there, she just doesn’t see the mess so it doesn’t really bother her.

Of course, secretly I am afraid mother is right.  I am being immature and stupid, I should stay married and come to terms with the fact that marriage is just not all that sexually or romantically exciting, it’s not really supposed to be. That I would be lonely and isolated living in the city, that I will never really date or find anyone to be with again, that the “grass is never greener,” etc.  It’s really hard to know what the right thing to do is.  It feels right for me to make changes, but it is also the case I might regret those changes.  I will miss Spouse terribly if/when we split up, I don’t doubt that at all.  I don’t deny being a shit or being selfish.  But I don’t think the marriage is the right one for me.  Divorce is terribly difficult, but so is an unfulfilling or unsatisfying marriage.

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As the weather improves, I’m thinking more about leaving my marriage — how to do so, what it will be like, and (still) is it the right decision? I cannot wait for a clean house with a dishwasher and Starbucks within walking distance.

But I’m also acutely aware of my age. I swear when I look in the mirror I look older every day (eye bags, fine wrinkles). I still feel fairly young, , like in my early to mid-thirties.  But my body doesn’t seem to match.  I’m thinking about the loss associated with aging.  Like, for years I have wanted to get a motorcycle, a cruiser-type like the Honda Rebel, but kept putting it off.  In my thirties riding a motorcycle would have made me look interesting; in my 40s, I would just look ridiculous.  I feel like the opportunity is past, and I’ve missed out.  I’m afraid the same thing is happening with dating and sex.  In my 20s and 30s, great, lots of opportunity.  In my 40s, not so much, I might have a difficult time dating women I find attractive.  I’ll be a little too old and my age won’t be balanced out by my income (I live a very middle-class existence, no expensive vacations to offer or dinners at 4 star restaurants).

Falling in love seems to be a natural process.  Meaning, it’s hard to force it with online dating or even with meeting others at thinly disguised singles events.  Romantic love seems to need the element of surprise amongst the ordinary, or at least it seems so for me.  I fall in love with people after I’ve observed them for a while, or gotten to know them a little bit in a natural setting such as work or the community.  Basically, I’m afraid I won’t fall in love again.  I might date, but I’m concerned I won’t be able to feel what I want to feel — that electric-buzz, gut-dropping, google-eyed excitement of wanting to merge with someone completely.

I’m still thinking about Jessica, feeling more angry at not having any chance with her.  Not angry with anyone in particular, including myself, just frustrated with the barriers to getting what I want. It’s actually amazing I’m still thinking about her and feeling deprived, sad, achey.  What if Jessica is the last woman I’ll ever fall in love with?  Will leaving my marriage, leaving my spouse, still be worth it?  Would I rather be alone than be with Spouse?  That’s really the question.  Right now, I feel I really want my own apartment, clean, with only one dog, in the city, the capacity to date and have sex.  But how long will I feel this way if I try to date only to be repeatedly rejected, come home to a lonely dog, and still very little money?

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I am so pissed Jessica changed her name. Why did she do that? Many to most women with educational levels of college grad or higher don’t do that, they keep their own name. It really upsets me. I’ve been thinking about it and wondering why this in particular upsets me, and here’s what I’ve come up with…

1. It makes her marriage more real to me (this is an obvious one).
2. I’m disappointed she took the more traditional path of changing her name.  Does she feel she has to absolutely merge identities with the guy?  What’s wrong with her name, what’s wrong with keeping her name?  Apparently, she has ploddingly conventional thoughts and beliefs (unfair and possibly untrue, but spite wins out for now)
3. It feels like the woman I knew (“Jessica Smith”) has died, leaving only this new woman (“Jessica Jones”) in her place, who kind of looks like Jessica but isn’t really the same person.  It makes her metaphorical death (as she transitions from single to married) much more real to me, my grief is stronger, my understanding that the Jessica I knew sort of no longer really exists.  There is actually a particular form of mental illness where the person believes those close to her have been somehow secretly replaced, like by robots or pod-people.  They look the same but are not the same.  It’s a relatively rare form of psychosis.  Anyway, I feel a little bit like that — even if (when) I see Jessica out in public, it won’t really be her, only her shell or ghost or something.  Well, many people have said love is a form of psychosis, like a mild delusional disorder.  Those of you who might tend to take things too literally — I am not psychotic, I do not really believe Jessica has been replaced by a stranger.  It just feels that way.

It feels like once a woman is married, she has crossed an invisible line.  Certainly from available to unavailable, that is straight-forward enough.  But it also feels like a married woman has crossed from freedom, independence, life, possibility, emotional expressiveness, to relative sedateness, conventionality, emotional control and containment.  In the best of marriages I don’t think this really happens this way, but most marriages take place without thinking too deeply about how their lives will change.  Mine certainly happened that way.  I didn’t think too deeply about how marriage would change my life, would change me. I just found myself living in the suburbs, financially strapped, bored, unhappy, and somehow “dead” inside despite having a loving wife, a reasonable house, dogs and cats I loved, supportive in-laws I loved…

Obviously I’m still thinking about her.  Not really crazy in love anymore, but I suppose a lot is still there.

Please offer comments…

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I’m not sure how much longer I can keep writing this blog.  I’ll keep the website up, I’m hoping to get more conversation going there.  As the intensity of my feelings have ebbed away, so has the need and the energy for proclaiming them.  I’m going to keep it up for a bit just to have a record of my unrequited love over time — how it was at the beginning, thoughts, feelings, fantasies, then over time how that changed. I would still like to post some of my fantasies, as they seemed very typical or universal for love.

This personal blog may turn into more of a musing on my upcoming divorce, how falling in love with Jessica sort of set that in motion, and how I feel over time.  I would still like to hear from readers about my personal blog.  And please do particpate in discussions on the website (Unrequited Love Website).

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Romance aside, or dead-and-buried, a post-hoc analysis of why I might have fallen in love with Jessica, in particular, follows.

Much of it likely had to do with timing.  I am disappointed in my marriage, sexually and emotionally.  I am feeling my age, feeling bored and isolated, wanting to be young again and generally experiencing a mid-life crisis.  A mid-life crisis that includes grief about not having children, so I fall for someone who is still young enough to bear children.  My Spouse tends to disagree with many of my psychological explanations for people’s behavior, despite asking me for my informed opinion.  Jessica seemed to think I knew what I was talking about.  She seemed to admire me and see me as competent or impactful.  She kept staring at me sort of wistfully, it pulled soft, romantic feelings from me.  She offered an intimacy of communication, of psychological-mindedness, that resonated with me.  Her being heterosexually identified (as far as I know), the power of crafting a seduction story was very appealing.  The admiration and romantic pull  made for a heavy dose of strong sexual attraction.  All these things came together in a way that made me view Jessica, a perfectly ordinary person, in an extraordinary light.  This is what Tennov called the process of  “crystallization” in love or limerance.

Please offer comments…

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