Unrequited Love Blog

So, why didn’t I declare my love or at least my sexual/emotional attraction more clearly to Jessica?  Straight-forward question, complicated answer.  It was a delicate situation due to her recent status as a student of mine.

One part of the answer is I felt I did what I could, said what I could.  I waited until after the end of the semester, then emailed with the subtext of trying to start a conversation or identify any interest on her part.  I felt confident she knew of my attraction and interest, knew I was sort of knocking on the door, and replied with the subtext of “no thanks, i’m not available/interested.”  Considering she was a former student, it was probably most prudent for me to retain this level of discretion.  Therapist also reinforced this level of discretion, although we were discussing it when it was memory, not a current situation.

Also, I didn’t want to be offensive or pushy because I knew she was engaged, because I was her former teacher, because I don’t want to be intrusive in general.  As I’ve said, I really had to fight with myself not to contact her again after my last email.  I really wanted to, and went back and forth about it for 3-4 weeks.  But I didn’t want to freak her out, and I felt she had already said “no,” and…

…I was afraid.  Afraid of rejection, afraid of what she might have to say to me to get me to “get it.”  Afraid of hearing how she really felt, whatever that may have been. What did she really feel, or how did she really see me?  Did she think I was kind of interesting as a teacher, but really not sexually or romantically attractive ?  Did she think I was interesting as a teacher, and reasonably attractive, but she is sooo straight she could never see me in any other light?  Did she think it was cute that I was so nervous around her, but became offended or embarrassed when I hinted in emails and tried to start a conversation?  Would she have said something like “I had no idea you were interested, I didn’t realize I was staring at you so much.  I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to lead you on, but no, I’m really not interested, you’re not my type, I’m very happily engaged.  And to be honest, you’re a good teacher and I like you, but not my favorite teacher, I really liked {Professor Hot Guy}.”  Well, she probably wouldn’t have actually said the last one, but I bet it’s true nonetheless!

But all in all I wish I had talked with her, told her something.  Not necessarily that I was in love with her, but I wish we had had a conversation about what was going on, about how I felt, how she felt.  But I just wasn’t ready for it at the time.  I didn’t even allow myself to become fully conscious of my feelings until after the end of the semester, and the email exchanges seemed an awkward lead in at best to that type of conversation…I really wasn’t sure how she was reacting to the emails — positive, negative, neutral?  So, I let it go, and didn’t say anything, and now I wish I had…

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I often wonder how off I might be in my estimation of Jessica’s likely reactions to my feelings or the info contained in this blog.  I mean, I base my prediction on how I might feel if I learned similar info about this woman who has been in love or limerence with me.  I believe my basic reaction would be a combination of flattered, amused tolerance, and a sense I was somewhat idealized or unrealistically perceived. I don’t think I would have too strong a negative reaction, even to the woman’s online searches for me and cyber-invasion of privacy.  I feel I would see the woman (who is a real person, so I’m thinking of her in particular) as harmless, not too fucked up, feel flattered at the attention and feel badly she was in such pain.  So this is how I think Jessica would also basically react, based on how I would feel, and based on my understanding of Jessica as an individual.

But I don’t know that.  I mean, I’ve been thinking about Jessica for two years now.  My feelings have abated somewhat but still seem to be there and to fluctuate in intensity.  The truth is I’ve got pages and pages of this obsessive shit on here, and it might be kind of frightening or at least pathetic.  It doesn’t feel particularly pathetic to me, but I’m on the inside of it. Maybe Jessica would see the site (and my feelings & behaviors) as…I don’t know, ridiculous, pathetic, obsessive, unrealistic, intrusive, frightening…Early on my (ex)spouse worked hard at helpfully having me understand that Jessica’s likely reaction to my emails was something like “Ok, thanks, well, bye creepy teacher, bye..” sidling away as quickly as politely possible.

Am I crafting a beautiful remembrance to Jessica and to my love for her?  Or am I obsessively wallowing in a self-created hell (“abandon all hope, ye who enter here…”)? So I wonder if Jessica would see this site as a sort of Taj Mahal to my love for her, or as a Tomb of my insanity (obsessive, delusional)?

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I’ve been thinking how falling for Jessica, an engaged student, and essentially making a pass at her (or at least making my attraction clear) was not my finest moment .  But then, if she had been interested I would probably think that making the pass (and gaining her love/affection) would have been well worth the regrettable but unavoidable upset to all concerned parties and the general drama that may have ensued .  Hindsight is 20/20, and we revise our past to accommodate our present.

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I’ve been reading back over my own blog, trying to get a sense of how I felt over time, as well as how I come across on the blog.  One thing that occurs to me is how incredibly cliche I am for falling for a younger student when I’m just pushing middle-aged.  Also, how incredibly cliche (or typical, to be kinder) I am in my general reactions — jealous, possessive, obsessive, writing bad poetry (see “Unrequited” on Musings page of website), insecure, self-critical.  Really, I’m not usually so neurotic.  It’s love that has made me neurotic !   Or, the unrequited variety of love, at least.

I’m typically not a poetry writer.  But this is often something people do when in love — write poetry or love notes even if they have never done so before.  It’s so embarrassingly adolescent.  The whole website/blog thing is a little embarrassingly adolescent.  But it’s been helpful, nonetheless, to be able to express some of this stuff.  Anonymously.  Thank God.

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I’m not sure why, but I’m feeling more self-critical today regarding the whole thing with Jessica.  The “whole thing” being, I suppose, our interactions, how I perceived/misperceived our interactions, my feelings about her and in general, my obsessive behaviors post-contact.  When I’m feeling this way, which has come in waves throughout this process, I torture myself with these types of automatic thoughts:

“This is ridiculous.  You’re acting nowhere near your age.  You aren’t in love with her, you don’t even know her.  You’re in complete denial about your creepy behaviors and how most people would respond to them.  You’ve been incredibly obsessive and bad. You probably freaked her out (and embarrassed yourself) by sort of pursuing her via email contact after the end of class.  She was being nice to you, there is NO WAY she would ever have been interested in you, even if she WERE bisexual/gay (which she isn’t, you idiot).  You’re always overshooting when it comes to attraction.  You’re basically a geek, and like most geeks, just not that sexually attractive or charismatic.  Students at the university now know you as “that professor who had a crush on Jessica Smith” or even worse, “that professor who comes onto students.”  Why the hell are you still thinking about her?  It’s pathetic.”

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