Unrequited Love Blog

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I’m thinking this will be my final post on this blog.  It seems a good day for it, I have a sore throat and a fever so I’m kind of out of it and have more distance on everything.

What to say?  Jessica just feels so far away from me now.  She’s probably had kids or will be having them shortly, probably has moved, is surely further along in her career.  I still think about her and miss her but I can’t continue to focus on her.

So what has it all meant?  It was very difficult for me to recognize and admit that I was in love with Jessica, and it was very difficult for me to see that her not loving me back didn’t have to be a tragedy.  To see that the meaning of this love falls somewhere in between — in between crush/limerence and committed love is real romantic love, in between comedy and tragedy are real non-hyperbolized feelings, in between labels of “can’t live without her love” and “of little consequence” is “vitally important.”  My ability to feel and recognize my love has been vitally important for me.  It has served as a catalyst for change in my life — my divorce, re-evaluating what I am looking for in a relationship, taking more risks, becoming more engaged with life.

So why was this experience so intense for me?  Did I love Jessica more than other women, unrequited or within a relationship?  No, not really.  Did the love feel different in substantial ways?  Well, sort of.  The physical and psychological “symptoms” of being in love are pretty consistent with all my previous experiences.  But the longing, sense of grief, and edge of desire were much stronger with this one.  Overall, it somehow felt more “real” to me.  Probably simply because I am older, more self-aware, more confident, more ready for an experience that envelopes all of the qualities of love — strong desire, sustained intimacy, and responsibility or purposefulness.

I hope I fall in love again, I hope I fall in love with someone who loves me back.  But even if I don’t fall in love again or get what I want, this experience has been meaningful and worth it.  Although I hope I never fall in love with another student or otherwise unavailable person, it’s just too disappointing and painful.   My love for Jessica has been real, has been fun, but it hasn’t been real fun.

Thanks for listening…

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So, why didn’t I declare my love or at least my sexual/emotional attraction more clearly to Jessica?  Straight-forward question, complicated answer.  It was a delicate situation due to her recent status as a student of mine.

One part of the answer is I felt I did what I could, said what I could.  I waited until after the end of the semester, then emailed with the subtext of trying to start a conversation or identify any interest on her part.  I felt confident she knew of my attraction and interest, knew I was sort of knocking on the door, and replied with the subtext of “no thanks, i’m not available/interested.”  Considering she was a former student, it was probably most prudent for me to retain this level of discretion.  Therapist also reinforced this level of discretion, although we were discussing it when it was memory, not a current situation.

Also, I didn’t want to be offensive or pushy because I knew she was engaged, because I was her former teacher, because I don’t want to be intrusive in general.  As I’ve said, I really had to fight with myself not to contact her again after my last email.  I really wanted to, and went back and forth about it for 3-4 weeks.  But I didn’t want to freak her out, and I felt she had already said “no,” and…

…I was afraid.  Afraid of rejection, afraid of what she might have to say to me to get me to “get it.”  Afraid of hearing how she really felt, whatever that may have been. What did she really feel, or how did she really see me?  Did she think I was kind of interesting as a teacher, but really not sexually or romantically attractive ?  Did she think I was interesting as a teacher, and reasonably attractive, but she is sooo straight she could never see me in any other light?  Did she think it was cute that I was so nervous around her, but became offended or embarrassed when I hinted in emails and tried to start a conversation?  Would she have said something like “I had no idea you were interested, I didn’t realize I was staring at you so much.  I’m sorry and I didn’t mean to lead you on, but no, I’m really not interested, you’re not my type, I’m very happily engaged.  And to be honest, you’re a good teacher and I like you, but not my favorite teacher, I really liked {Professor Hot Guy}.”  Well, she probably wouldn’t have actually said the last one, but I bet it’s true nonetheless!

But all in all I wish I had talked with her, told her something.  Not necessarily that I was in love with her, but I wish we had had a conversation about what was going on, about how I felt, how she felt.  But I just wasn’t ready for it at the time.  I didn’t even allow myself to become fully conscious of my feelings until after the end of the semester, and the email exchanges seemed an awkward lead in at best to that type of conversation…I really wasn’t sure how she was reacting to the emails — positive, negative, neutral?  So, I let it go, and didn’t say anything, and now I wish I had…

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I often wonder how off I might be in my estimation of Jessica’s likely reactions to my feelings or the info contained in this blog.  I mean, I base my prediction on how I might feel if I learned similar info about this woman who has been in love or limerence with me.  I believe my basic reaction would be a combination of flattered, amused tolerance, and a sense I was somewhat idealized or unrealistically perceived. I don’t think I would have too strong a negative reaction, even to the woman’s online searches for me and cyber-invasion of privacy.  I feel I would see the woman (who is a real person, so I’m thinking of her in particular) as harmless, not too fucked up, feel flattered at the attention and feel badly she was in such pain.  So this is how I think Jessica would also basically react, based on how I would feel, and based on my understanding of Jessica as an individual.

But I don’t know that.  I mean, I’ve been thinking about Jessica for two years now.  My feelings have abated somewhat but still seem to be there and to fluctuate in intensity.  The truth is I’ve got pages and pages of this obsessive shit on here, and it might be kind of frightening or at least pathetic.  It doesn’t feel particularly pathetic to me, but I’m on the inside of it. Maybe Jessica would see the site (and my feelings & behaviors) as…I don’t know, ridiculous, pathetic, obsessive, unrealistic, intrusive, frightening…Early on my (ex)spouse worked hard at helpfully having me understand that Jessica’s likely reaction to my emails was something like “Ok, thanks, well, bye creepy teacher, bye..” sidling away as quickly as politely possible.

Am I crafting a beautiful remembrance to Jessica and to my love for her?  Or am I obsessively wallowing in a self-created hell (“abandon all hope, ye who enter here…”)? So I wonder if Jessica would see this site as a sort of Taj Mahal to my love for her, or as a Tomb of my insanity (obsessive, delusional)?

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I’m struggling to understand that Jessica may have felt flattered by my interest, but she simply didn’t return it.  What I mean is, it’s so painful to think that when my attraction came to light, she felt a visceral response of being repelled, or left clammy, completely unmoved as far as an instinctive sexual/bonding response.  That she felt flat upon being offered my love and sexual attention.  Not necessarily horrified (I hope), but just not interested.  It’s just so bizarre to try and fully understand or know that I can really want and really love Jessica, and she can feel basically nothing in return, or nothing of substance.  Yet I know this to be true, I have felt it myself when someone really likes me and is attracted to me and I’m flattered but just not interested.  I try and think about this one woman whom I know fell in love or limerence with me.  There is just no way I can muster up the level of intense engagement in thinking about her or her feelings for me (or somehow learning more about her feelings) compared with the intense interest I have when thinking about Jessica.

It’s so painful to have your personal reality, your feelings, be so completely out of sync with those of the person you are in love with.

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