Musings (Poetry from a Deluded Mind)
One loosely tied together prose-poetry offering follows:
Unrequited
She probably thinks some other professor is really great now, anyway.
She’s the type.
What type?
The type who admires around indiscriminately.
The intellectual’s whore.
In some ways, the task for the would-be lover is to move from thinking this person is the only person she could feel this way about, that fire and home reside only in this person, to understanding that she has gone through a universal human experience, and there will be others who evoke similar responses;
Whereas the task for the rejecter is the opposite – to move from thinking it was “just a crush, it could have been pretty much anybody, I’m not important” to understanding that she does have a uniqueness in the would-be lover’s perception of her, that she does matter as an individual in the process, that the would-be lover actually felt that way about her.
I felt a tug or pull from an invisible cord, somewhere in my gut. What’s that? Oh, nothing… The tug continued irregularly, then gaining a regular rhythm and an increasing power, like the music from Jaws. What? What’s going on? Something’s coming…{anxiety}…Then, I tripped, or suddenly fell over the edge of a cliff. It was like being hit on the head with a sledgehammer. Oh shit! All I saw was red, flashing like a slow-moving strobe light. All I heard was low bass, a whomp…whomp…whomp in time with the strobe light, the sound of a helicoptor’s blades rotating in slow-motion, the sound of the alarm on the sinking Titanic. It was not my fault. I was just standing there, I did nothing to invite this, to make it welcome or let it think it might find a home in me. This foreign body, this interloper, this usurper, this love. It’s like being struck by lightning. Suddenly, life makes sense at a much deeper level, all the pain, the fear, and the joy. Even knowing, always knowing, it wasn’t mutual, it was never going to be.
And she’s going to have children with this asshole, this man.
Who may be perfectly charming.
I don’t care. And I don’t wish them well.
You wish them ill?
No.
You wish for screaming fights?
No.
For cold distance, or bland indifference?
No.
You wish for stillborn babies?
No.
For bitter disappointments, for financial ruin? For car accidents, for lost limbs, for lost dreams?
No, no, no, no, no.
For kids with ears that stick out?
No.
You wish her well?
Yes.
You wish them well.
No.
So, what did you wish for, what did you want?
I wanted her!
To be with, to know.
To nurture, to protect.
To have and to hold.
To possess. To have her as mine.
I wanted you so much , you were all I could see, I couldn’t stop staring. “Please, move this way, move that way, look up and smile.” I wanted to make you feel secure, make you feel happy. I wanted to see you out of control. I wanted to be with you, to be inside you, to hear you moan, to make you come. I wanted you to come home with me. I wanted to talk with you, to make you laugh, to laugh with you and for you. I wanted you so much, and you hardly saw me. I wanted you so much, and you thought I was cute, you found my nervousness charming. I wanted you, and you didn’t want me. I wanted to love you, and you were flattered. After, I thought about you all the time, couldn’t sleep, barely ate, lost in a fog of memory and desire. Time stopped for me, and you went on with your life. Time stopped for me, and you never looked back. I can never forget you, I can never forgive you.
Unwanted.
Unforgiven.
Unrequited.
Rate this poem
Very interesting and I feel the angst of the unloved person. But what about the one who is loved and cant reciprocate. That is pure hell. They are haunted by guilt, pity and an inconsolible need to soothe the unrequited. That can put a person off ever feeling or hoping to love
Cassie
Hi Cassie,
Thanks for commenting. Yes, I agree that being loved by someone when you cannot return that love is very difficult, and brings up feelings of guilt, pity, and responsibility, all misplaced. See my post “Karma” on my Blog for some of my thoughts about my own experiences with being loved by someone I did not love back. This poem is just about my feelings of being in unrequited love, I really didn’t intend to focus on the other person’s feelings. However, I would encourage you to comment on any of the posts on the “Home” page of this website, or email me your ideas for your own post, so we can start to discuss the experience of being the focus of unrequited love. The website is really intended to be a place to discuss everyone’s experiences of unrequited love, from all sides. So, thanks for commenting and please come back!
Take care,
LL
Thank you, I did indeed have a look at your “Karma” post and it seems that you also appreciate the hardship of being the object of unrequited love. I like reading your posts as I have never been in love and am in awe about how much pain people go through. I have been ‘in guilt’ many times (where the person loves me and I dont back) and have often felt that men see me as the ‘challenge’ when I say I dont ‘do’ love.
can I ask then – is it better to have loved, than not at all?
Cassie
Definitely better to have loved and lost, than not to love at all. It’s painful, but also invigorating, love makes life more “alive” and meaningful even if it’s not returned. But what do other readers think?
I think I don’t ever want to fall in love again, since having been exclusively in love with people unrequited for all my life. Sure, I’m ‘only’ 22, but I experienced it many many times. Being in love for me is equivalent to loneliness and longing unanswered.
It seems every year it only gets harder. It gets harder because by now I don’t think there is more to try. I obviously can’t trust my intuition that sometimes tells me there ‘is’ something requited, or even if there is, it will not turn into anything and me feeling like something changed in a situation or in me apparently doesn’t say anything neither. Because every time it rips open the old wounds. Because everytime I get less confident with ‘men’, now even with men in general. I am more uncomfortable then ever. I want to forget and ignore about it and focus on things I can achieve or already have.
It does make one feel like a lonesome loser. :P
Hi Kaarej, May I ask if you are a woman or a man? I may have a book I can recommend to you….
LL
Kaarej, Ok, looks like I just missed you online. I’m fairly certain you’re a woman but not 100%. At any rate, there is a book on this experience called “The Shy Man Syndrome: Why Men Become Love Shy And How They Can Overcome It” by Brian G. Gilmartin, published in 1989. It’s about men who have so much anxiety they cannot talk with women they are attracted to, they fall in love over and over but it never gets anywhere because of this. This may not really fit your situation, but I just wanted to offer it.
The loved one in an unrequited love situation often does give mixed signals about interest or attraction, for any number of reasons such as people enjoy positive attention and feeling attractive; people do not like rejecting others, especially others who really like them. So, it can be very confusing and leave you feeling you cannot trust your intuition. I’m sorry that keeps happening to you, it’s happened to me a number of times, too. It gets better as you get older, you get more clear about not over interpreting signals and more confident about approaching others.
Anyway, thanks for dropping by and commenting…
LL
Dear Cassie,
I think you are entirely full of shit. You claim to be facinated by the pain of unrequited love but have never experienced it?
That is offensive on so many levels. Those of we who live the day to day obsession of it do not need the additional classification of lab rat. We are not on this website to be emotionaly diisected by someone who can not possibly understand what we are experiencing. I can apprecaite wanting to know what we are about, if you are in fact a sociopath, or possibly an adolescent, otherwise how about a little compassion for those of we who walk the line of madness on a daily basis?
La
I just wanted to say that “come” should be cum.
I am also a sick, deluded, crazy woman. In love with the unavailable man for over 30 years.
I’m dying. I want to die. My intrusive thinking is getting on my nerves. Positive thinking takes me to hell and I can’t stop nor do I want to. I think I’m obsessed, possessed, it’s just absurd — that I am back here in this evil place of never ending thoughts of the one I couldn’t nail.
“…..they’ll take your soul if you let them, ahhh but don’t you let them ! …” James Taylor ~ You’ve Got a Friend
I disagree. Some people would spell it “cum” but many do not. To me, “cum” is sort of a crude bastardization of what is essentially a process of moving toward something, of “coming.”
My heart is just sad. I learn to live with the pain and the hope because I also am very realistic.
The worst part is that I have dreams about him every night. If I could just make those go away I might have some peace and this would just pass away on its own from lack of nurturing.
It hurts knowing that in my life I have gotten any man I have wanted. I have always had the ability to have the man I want fall in love with me. But for the first time I feel like I have no chance here. He has a great fondeness of me and it is obvious to everyone that he really likes me BUT…..I now know what it means not to have a chance in hell.
It feels awful. Even when my friend says he could be feeling the same way and for me to take a chance and approach him I laugh. I would never take such a foolish chance as that and have my heart ripped into pieces while my dignity is crushed. At least I have some dignity here. He knows I like him but he is sooooo used to having people fawn over him. I am just the next poor victim waiting to go to the gallows.
Hi LL,
Reading the comments left in response to your musings actually soothes & calms! One feels one is not the only-lonely, not the only grief-struck, pathetic, emotionally-unbalanced soul, who goes about with a mask of efficiency tied around in this competent world.
Personally, I think that unrequited love only conveys a desire for something we cannot have. This is unreciprocated love which is not love at all, but a yearning to experience a deeper aspect of the self.
We yearn to feel complete…. to be in relationship with someone who complements our soul…. inspires us… and brings out the best in us. We look for in others, what we seek within ourselves.
I would use your forum to say, that though love unreturned, can drive you to despair, personally, despite all my life never having had anyone really return my love, I still trust that somewhere out there… someone is waiting just for me…..
…the heart never stills… the quest goes on…
-Festering Wound
Submitted by Rob:
Here’s a poem I wrote about my feelings with M:
I just saw you down the hall,
walking toward my direction.
Your eyes met my silence.
We stopped and gave each other the usual kiss.
As always, I look forward to the greeting
delighted by the simplest gesture of friendship.
But beneath the tenderness of our lips I felt your soul
while the quick parting entangled the heart.
I did not bother to understand
the importance of the conversation.
I only saw the contours of your face
and examined the short wrinkles that extended the eyes.
The skin, smoothly glazed in golden brown,
despite the impurities of age,
was ripe with a smile.
The hair cascaded just above the orange scarf.
The morning chill merely hid the neck
but clearly exposed the quiet sensuality.
Like a rose, petal by petal,
your beauty opened so suddenly magically.
I do not know what compels me to look closely –
a yellow ribbon opportunity that awakens the senses.
As you spoke, there was an eagerness
to reveal the sincerity.
How your voice calls out to me
how the look engulfs the desire to be near.
The subtleties break open the intense fragility.
Yet, to unravel the mystery provokes
the suspicion of the truth.
But to conceal the lie buries its treasures.
Like a river meandering to and fro
the reality of love and denial haunts me.
But I know what awaits me
beyond these barriers.
Like a perfect patch-quilt design
the colored patterns of cloth
stitched together over time,
the friendship wraps the body
against the cold in winter.
You could gladly lay it flat on a picnic table
underneath the shade of a tree in July.
Or add more squared patterns of fabric in autumn
to give it more length.
So when spring opens
I and my life will slowly carefully descend to the earth
and feel the freshness of the grass
until I see you face again
wondering
if that time has truly come.
Hi everyone,
To those who see this and still in love with your “one”, have hope. I’ve gone through a lot in the past few years and now I have learned to let go. As a matter of fact, I’ve learned to let go of a perception in which I thought I loved someone so much that it seemed real. Through lots of prayer and patience, your life will be better, trust me. There is indeed light at the end of your tunnel. You can’t let your feelings be in the way of what you need to do; that is, to love yourself and learn to accept the reality that nothing can amount to your unrequited love. You’ll become a better person with a clearer perspective of what you want. Don’t sell yourself short. Life is too short to waste it on someone who can’t give back what you want. Set yourself free and let go of him/her. This form of unconditional love transcends all things. Be good to yourself and people will love you back. Only then, you’ll find true love and happiness.
Hi all,
I may be of a young age (14) but I have the poison running through my vains that those call unrequited love. I know many probably dislike my use of the word love, for I may be too young to use it, but I do not mean for it to have such a strong meaning as it is meant to have. I love a boy who obviously does not love me back, or he hasn’t decided if he has or not. I loved him before, and we were together for a very short time. I made mistakes, and broke it off not knowing what I had let go. I’ve told him that I realized what I gave away, and I’m terrified that he won’t return to me. I know that many say, that one must let go of someone and if they come back they really love you, but i’m so scared that he won’t come back. I know I need to let go if he doesn’t love me back, but it’s so difficult. I have a unique past, I have gone out with 6 guys and this scares him, because the last 3 I ended. He doesn’t want to be with someone who will break it off at any given time, and I try to tell him that I love him too much to do that, but even I don’t believe myself. I always do this, for I find love and when we go out, I realize that I was too impulsive and I didn’t know the person as well as I thought I did. This same thing happened with the boy I love, but now that I know him and he knows me, I really do believe that this is different. I don’t know what’s left to do, I like him more than I’ve ever liked anyone and I don’t want to see him with someone else. This sounds well, weird I guess, but that’s unrequited love for ya. I wish everyone luck, and would love some in return :)
Hey Lizzy,
I’m quite interested in your response. You are a 14 year old who seem much ahead of young people your age, which is a good thing. You seem to give some thought about your relationships with guys you date, which, again, is a good thing. Seldom you see young people like yourself who does not take loving relationships lightly. You seem to show a great deal of maturity.
However, being 14 is still young. Your life is ahead of you and I’m certain you’ll change your mind about things with this boy once you give yourself the opportunity meet different people. Allow yourself to experience different things, including the guys you date. Enjoy life when you are young and don’t narrow your opportunities for just one person at your age. There is so many people out there to learn from and ultimately, love. Know yourself first so you can give back to others.
this is pretty cool except probably the “i could never forgive you” part..i would more associate the emotion of i couldn’t forgive myself (for loving you) with unrequited love.
Hi Varun,
Thanks for commenting. Yeah, I think “I can never forgive you” is kind of mixed up and directed at both Jessica and myself…
Thanks for posting. I feel the pain in your words. I feel it wherever I go, everyday. I will never have her. But the thought of me together with her, is the only thing standing in the way of not waking up for another day. Its the hope that makes me feel alive.
Beautiful poem l.l. as well as the many sites you have about unrequited love. only someone experiencing this love can fully understand it. i am gonna carry this love for him forever.
MY BEST HAIKU
Magical Gina
Em’rald eyes sparkle and blaze
Intoxicating
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MY BEST VERSE
And on the darkest of nights
In the middle of a tragedy
In came the brightest of lights
The hair
Your face
Even the clothes
I never thought even you could reach such heights
The radiant beauty
And as you turned and came to me
The walls began to shimmer
And suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the room
==================================================
MY BEST LYRICS (“Just Watching You Sleep”)
I’ve stared at the ceiling
I’ve studied the walls
I’ve roamed the darkened hallways
Where there is no light at all
To go down the stairs
And back up again
Is a fruitless way
Of divesting this pain
Because no tv
Certainly no internet
Can cleanse my soul
Of the love I can’t get
Even play some music
Or read a great book
Nothing substitutes
For taking just one look
Because you see…
I’ve done all these things
But none give me peace
Like the rapture I’d have
Just watching you sleep
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MY BEST MUSICAL COMPOSITION
Is an instrumental, but here are the liner notes for Luna Bella
“Italian for Earth’s only natural satellite, whose unique qualities are reminiscent of the woman who supplied the inspiration for this composition, her radiant fair/dark beauty only being the most obvious of those characteristics.”