You know all those weird or embarrassing ways we can act around our loved one? We all do it. It’s very common to be nervous around your loved one when in romantic love, especially in unrequited love, when you’re feeling unnoticed or unchosen.
They are signs of unconscious (or conscious) conflict, or signs of general physiological arousal, or just signs of your overheated brain taking a vacation… Whatever may motivate those awkward behaviors, they are all signs of love. What signs of love have you shown around your loved one?
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Hi, I thought I’d start writing some posts built around some of the search terms that are frequently used to find this site. A really frequent phrase combo is something like “unrequited love low self-esteem.” Many people wonder what it means to fall in unrequited love, does it mean you have low self-esteem for “choosing” someone who is unavailable or uninterested?
I hate to equivocate but the answer is sometimes yes, sometimes no. It could be a sign of low self-esteem if you constantly fall in love with people who reject you, or people who are so far “out of your league” in whatever way that you’re virtually guaranteed to fail. However, it is also the case that most people will fall in unrequited love at least once in their lives, it’s a very common experience. It is also quite common for the experience of being rejected in love to itself lead to lowered self-esteem. Most people interpret a rejection of offered love as a rejection of the self, entirely, as not good enough — whether or not the rejector actually sees the would-be lover as “less than.”
One investigation of unrequited love (Baumeister, Wotman & Stillwell, 1993) found no significant differences in “trait” self-esteem between would-be lovers and rejectors. That is to say, self-esteem did not appear to be an issue in whether or not a person fell in unrequited love.
So, you need to decide for yourself if low self-esteem is part of what’s driving your unrequited love feelings. You might ask yourself questions like “Am I likeable? loveable? Do I feel like a decent fit for my loved one, or a perpetual misfit? What do I have to offer in a relationship? Would I date me?”
Do you believe you generally have low self-esteem, that you developed a certain degree of low self-esteem after being rejected in love, or that you do not have significant self-esteem issues?
(Come on, come on…take a risk and vote! It’s anonymous!)
Baumeister, R.F., Wotman, S.R., and Stillwell, A. M. (1993). Unrequited love: On heartbreak, anger, guilt, scriptlessness, and humiliation. Journal of personality and social psychology, 64(3), 377-394.
This is perhaps one of the most well-known stories of unrequited love. It’s helpful in terms of communicating the experience of unrequited love or limerence to others, as most everyone (at least in U.S. culture) is familiar with the story and we can all empathize with Charlie Brown’s longing, fear of not being good enough, and sense of impossible divide that exists between Charlie Brown and his little red-haired girl.
The little red-haired girl is a culturally recognizable symbol of unrequited love. In all of the strips penned by Charles Schulz, the comic strip author, the little red-haired girl remains unseen and unnamed. Schulz has stated that he had thought for years about doing a bittersweet story between Charlie Brown and the little red-haired girl, but in the end decided it was best that she remain unseen, forever longed for but never met. The television specials and book that do have Charlie Brown interacting more specifically with the little red-haired girl (sometimes called Heather), were not officially “blessed” by Schulz. The little red-haired girl was actually based on Charles Schulz’ own experience of unrequited love, but that’s a discussion for a different post.
Charlie Brown’s reactions to the little red-haired girl are classic signs of limerence. He wants to possess items that she has touched, such as her pencil. He watches her house while hiding behind a tree (can you say “stalker?”), hoping to catch a glimpse of her and to work up the courage to knock on her door. He often talks about wanting to talk to her, but is never able to walk up to her and start a conversation. He dreams about her. Ultimately, he is never able to talk with her or do much about his feelings. This is a typical course of acquaintance-based unrequited love.
It’s interesting to note the varied descriptions applied to what Charlie Brown is experiencing. Sometimes writers will refer to the little red-haired girl as his “crush,” sometimes she is his “unrequited love”, and sometimes Charlie Brown is “in love” with her. This just goes to show us how people can apply different labels to the same behaviors and feelings, from dismissive to life-enhancing, depending on one’s perspective.
The perspectives of the Loved Ones are discussed and will continue to be discussed in various posts on this blog, but this post in particular is intended to be the more matter-of-fact, “How to Handle a Declaration of Unrequited Love, For Dummies” version.
First, you need to decide (and this shouldn’t be difficult) whether the person who is declaring their love is an acquaintance or a friend. An acquaintance would be someone like a classmate or work colleague that you didn’t spend time with socially, or a friend of a friend, etc. A friend is someone you are close friends with, or at least see socially fairly frequently, or perhaps an in-law (believe me, it does happen).
If your Would-Be Lover is an Acquaintance:
Allow them to express their feelings verbally, just once.
Look them in the eye and say “Thank you. I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way about you.” Repeat as necessary.
Do not deviate from the above message.
If possible, cease all contact with the person (e.g., change your carpool, sit at a different desk in class, take your lunch break in a different area). Ideally, ceasing all contact is the would-be lover’s responsibility, but this doesn’t always happen and if you want to decrease your overall discomfort as well as be as kind as possible to the person, this is what I recommend.
That’s it. That is the best thing you can do — allow them to tell you how they feel, make it clear you do not feel the same, and eliminate or reduce contact with the person.
If your Would-Be Love is a Friend:
This is much more difficult and requires more delicate handling.
Allow them to express their feelings verbally, just once.
Look them in the eye and say “Thank you. I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way about you.” Repeat as necessary.
Do not deviate from the above message.
Decide whether you want to continue the friendship or not. If this is a so-so friend, someone you are not that close with, I would recommend ending contact as being more humane for everyone concerned. However, if this is an in-law, you will have to maintain SOME type of cordial relationship with the person. If this is a close friend, it’s understandable that you would want your friendship to weather this crisis, and it is a crisis, you must understand that.
If you decide to continue the friendship, it is imperative that you refrain from giving any type of sexual or romantic signals to the person. It is frequently the case that friendships contain a certain amount of flirtation or sexual energy, this is normal. However, if your unfortunate friend has fallen in romantic love with you, it is important that your communication be as honest and flirtation-free as possible.
Do not indulge in long, drawn-out conversations with your friend about their feelings. This will only tend to give the person hope that you might be wooed into changing your mind, even if the person consciously “knows better.”
I recommend decreasing contact with your friend, at least for a while, to allow them to process the rejection, their feelings, and decide for themselves if they can continue a friendship with you.
Unrequited love happens. It’s not your fault or your responsibility (beyond a certain degree of humane response). Free yourself from any guilt and go on with your life.
St: D.,I know you will never love me back and that hurts so much !
Rollingwiththepunches: Sharon. I can't have you and I can't get you out of my mind. Its kills me.
angiebaby: I can't say your name because it hurts too much. I'll call you G because that's a nickname. I went by there today [...]
Me: mji even though I shouldn't
Lonesome Loser: :Whistling:
Carla: To all my unrequited crushes, I shall name ye, LOL;
Ben
Michael
Matthew
Kieran
Hadleigh
Shelton
Michael (LOL, a second Michael)
Marie (LOL - it was a high school thing)
Simon
Nikolaos
Tim
Sam
Nameless Perfect Fantasy [...]
Thecla: Angie - now and always, no matter how far away I am, you are everything I wanted, I wish it could have been the [...]
Gh: Matthew. Don't really know him at all, but i see him for 2 wks of every month. I'd love to know what he thinks of [...]
Lonesome Loser: ... :| ...
This Boy: Lauren. She's the love of my life. But we're only best friends. At least we're that close.
"I want to tell you, I feel hung up [...]
I didn’t know it would be so strong Waiting and wondering about you I didn’t know it would last so long Nights are forever without you — Nights are Forever (Without You), England Dan
