Recommended Links & Books
The following is a list of links and books that may be of help or interest to the would-be lover. If you know of any other sites or books that you found helpful, please Email Me and let me know.
Wikipedia’s Entry on Unrequited Love. It has a basic overview, and is heavy with literary and musical examples of unrequited love. However, this entry tends to emphasize a view of unrequited love as rather selfish and immature, which I don’t think is a particularly fair characterization.
Wikipedia’s Entry on Limerence. Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov, is variously seen as synonymous with romantic love, obsessional love, and infatuations or crushes. This entry has an excellent section on the physiological and behavioral manifestations of limerence. However, I believe this entry (as well as Tennov’s research) focuses overly much on the rejection fear associated with love or limerence, as well as on its potential negative qualities and consequences.
Dr. Helen Fisher’s Website. Dr. Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, has done groundbreaking research on the nature of romantic love, particularly regarding the biological and neurobiological aspects of love. An especially interesting article might be Dumped!: The Nature of Romantic Rejection, that can be found on her website under the “Articles” section. If you are interested in a full-length book on romantic love, consider Dr. Fisher’s Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.
Francesco Alberoni’s Website. Francesco Alberoni is an Italian sociologist who writes about falling in love as a life changing event akin to a religious or political conversion. Rather than a regressive experience (as suggested by many psychoanalytic views), Alberoni suggests we fall in love when we want a change. Consider reading his book Falling in Love (1979), that explores these ideas in detail. Amazingly, this book is available to download for free at the author’s website.
Agony and Rapture of Unrequited Love. A must-see, funny, tongue-in-cheek personal site on unrequited love by physics grad student Steve Stonebraker. It includes bits of wisdom for both would-be lovers and the loved ones, commentary on the absurdity of the situation we find ourselves in, personal experience stories from other would-be lovers, and links of interest.
Lovestory Blog. A site for personal blogs of love stories, including “sad stories,” seemingly mostly by relatively younger persons.
Books of Interest:
Breaking Hearts: The Two Sides of Unrequited Love. By Roy Baumeister & Sara Wotman. 1994. One of the more well-researched (social science) books on unrequited love. Importantly, it also takes an in-depth look at the experience of the person who is the focus of a love that they do not return. The role of rejector is a very difficult experience for most people.
Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. By Dorothy Tennov. 1999 (2nd Edition). Originally published in 1979. Dr. Tennov’s classic text on limerence, a term she coined that was intended to be a description of romantic love, or being “in love.” Dr. Tennov, a psychologist, was instrumental in researching the experience of romantic love. However, I believe her prototypical description of limerence emphasizes a fear of rejection by the loved one along with a degree of fantastical idealization that is not necessarily part of a universal experience of romantic love, even of unrequited romantic love.
Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters: The Power of Romantic Passion. By Ethel Spector Person. 2006. Originally published in 1988. A psychoanalyst discusses romantic passion from a normalizing and positive perspective, focusing on the transformative power of romantic love.
Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness. By Frank Tallis. 2005. A clinical psychologist writes about romantic love as a type of mental and physical illness that nobody really wants to avoid. Warning: Tends to emphasize the need for rationality in love.
Interpersonal Rejection. By Mark R Leary. 2001. An academic psychologist offers a highly interesting edited book on interpersonal rejection in general, including ostracism, job rejection, childhood peer rejection, stigmatization, and unrequited love.
