Survey Results as of Late February 2009
Here are some charts and graphs of the results I’ve gotten so far on the Survey of Being in Unrequited Love. I do not yet have enough results to analyze for the Survey of Being the Focus of Unrequited Love. Most of us have been the focus of someone’s love that we did not return, it is a near universal experience. Please consider completing the survey on the experience of being the focus of unrequited love, and tell your all friends to do the same. Meanwhile, here is what everyone has to say about being in unrequited love…
(Feel free to leave comments on these survey results below, but please do not post personal stories. Please do post personal stories in reaction to regular posts on the website. {Go to Home page}.)
Below is a chart of the pairings of respondents and loved ones by age. The age is approximated based on the answer selected on the survey. I chose the upper end of each age group for the chart, ie, “25 or lower” is charted as 25, “26-30″ charted at 30, “31-35″ charted at 35, etc. As you can see, most pairings are very similar in age, usually within about 4-5 years of each other, and no pairings have more than about a 10 year age difference.
Here are some descriptions by those who selected “other” when asked for type of relationship you had with your loved one:
“booty call turned best friend then purposely had a child together cuz i wanted to be a mom so bad.”
“somewhere between an acquaintance and a friend.”
“He used to be my supervisor. I don’t work with him anymore, but I still see him from time to time.”
“No relationship”
“We met at college and became very good friends, and I had a desperate crush on her from the first time we spoke. As we became friends, I fell madly in love with her.”
“We met, liked each other, he pulled back, I pushed harder he backed off more, but would see me on occasion.”
“I met him in my chemistry class, and we became fast friends. Before I knew it I had developed such strong feelings for him. Half way throughout the year, we got put in separate classes and I no longer see him, nor did I ever tell him how I felt. “
Survey Text Responses: Worst and Best Things We Did
Randomly selected responses to these survey questions...
| What is the worst thing you said or did around your Loved One? | What is the best thing you said or did around your loved one? |
|---|---|
| Acted like an idiot | Remained calm |
| After her rejection, after a while I told her in agitated perhaps angry tone that I was in love with her. After more rejection I asked to give me a chance - that female human nature is different than a male's. | I made him a lot of gifts. I cared about him. Tried to help in difficult situations |
| I insulted him a lot of time, told that I would kill him and so on, told my friends a lot of bad things about him. | I wrote a very long passionate letter of my love, of the very real reasons for my past inadequacy, that I cherish her ever more, that it is her qualities I admire the most, her beauty, intelligence, and balance, a uniqueness i never encountered before. |
| All I wanted was for him to be happy, so I gave great advice that helped his marriage, and gave him happiness but ruined mine. | Not hiding everything about me. He loves all the same geeking wonderful things I do. |
| Said some silly comments b/c I was nervous | Generally just be there as a friend when he was in need of a shoulder to cry on. Encourage and nurture him. |
| I told him that he has to be careful because there is a fine line between love and hate after I told him of my feelings. | Seized the opportunity to get to know him better when it arose. |
| Acted flirty. A friend picked it up and mentioned it IN FRONT OF HIM. I tried being defensive, saying, "No, I'm not flirting." Doubt he noticed, but still. | Managed to say something online that had us talking for a few days. |
| I was jealous of all of his past girlfriends | We were important to each other and he would hug me and tell me how much he loved me all the time. |
| Getting too hung up on a previous relationship, not realizing I was in love with this person at all, until she started dating someone. | Showed him unconditional love. |
| Told him I was angry about the whole situation. I knew the deal. Don't like him to know I suffer so much. | Everything since the past two years has been a mistake. [nothing good] |
| Umm..I told him that I'm not hoping he would fall for me or anything....I am hoping actually... :( | Gave birth to his child. |
| I haven't said anything horrible or terrible to him. | Nothing in particular. |
| Sending him love poems/presents | Making love to him, kissing him, holding him while we snoozed. Yeah, it's complicated like that. |
| Act like an idiot | Attention, support, interesting intellectual conversations. |
| I expressed my interest in her rather too visibly and maybe caused her to be a little embarrassed. | Just the plain achievement that I could go and talk to her about my feelings. |
| When I started crying when we were talking in her dorm room at 2 AM. The intensity of love I felt was too painful. I ended up sleeping on the floor of her room that night, after I cried and she talked me out of the crying. | Don't really know. |
| I always get so nervous around her and sometimes I ignore her while at work (she is a co-worker). I don't know why I do it - I definitely don't want to. I don't know if I want to make her jealous or what but it seems she just ignores me back then and it just makes me feel worse, and I think that it has affected our friendship. Now it is always a little awkward and we are not really as close as we were in the beginning. | The hours-long discussions we have about fantasy novels and philosophy, and when she made me tea and we drank it together. |
| I got very angry and told him to ignore me forever. | I showed him a caring person. |
| I acted like an idiot, I invited him to something stupid, I make stupid comments. | She just makes me smile all the time when I'm around her or when I am thinking about her. I will be working and she's not even there but I'll be thinking of her and standing there smiling for no aparent reason, but I don't even care. I love that she makes me smile like this. |
| I told him I don't trust him. | When we connected and shared things about ourselves. |
| I told him I'll be his friend no matter what. | |
| Dunno |
Survey Text Responses -- What It Meant to Them & What It Meant to Us
Randomly selected responses to these questions...
| How did your Loved One seem to feel about your love? | What is the most meaningful aspect of being in unrequited love? |
|---|---|
| Unclear | Getting me to recognize how unhappy I've been in my marriage. |
| Was encouraging an eventual approach for more intimacy. I failed to open up and failed to take action in two instances for the opportunity of physical intimacy, after which she shut down and avoided me and made clear her resentment without words but with clear signs of anger and of disinterest. | Do not expect fairness or logic from life. Ever. You deserve nothing. |
| He was worried about me and this situation | The purposefulness of the possibility to share joys and emotional growth and depth with another person. The opportunity to be completely open with another - the be meaningful to another and vice versa. |
| Guarded | I understood the relativity of everything, and understood my own abilities. |
| I'm not sure that she knows. I thought she might know at one time in the beginning of our friendship and I thought she seemed to feel something too but I'm not sure now. If she did know or suspect that I am in love with her then she didn't act any different towards me. She still wanted to be around me, maybe even more than she does now -which it is currently a couple months short of two years since I fell for her. | I am just happy that I get to spend time with him (being his friend). He confides in me and I get to know him better every day. I am so lucky to work with him. |
| She said she could tell that I loved her even before I actually told her. She thanks me when I tell her how awesome she is. Basically, I try to restrain myself as much as possible when it comes to expressing the depth and intensity of my feelings for her. When I slip up, she deftly changes the topic, while at the same time subtextually acknowledging my love for her. | That it hurts tremendously. The pain never goes away. A part of my heart will always belong to him. How pathetic. |
| She was sorry she could not love me. | Not sure yet. |
| Annoyed | There is nothing meaningful, it is all pain. |
| Happy but not being able to share the same | When I fell in love with him I swore to never love again at age 35. Although neither one of us meant for this it happened. I'm now 38. He is 28. |
| I don't know, and I probably will never know because I don't intend to tell him. | Nothing at all. It just depresses me. |
| I have no idea. Things have become very awkward. | The knowledge that I don't have to tell him I love him to know how I feel about him. There would be no point, and it would just make things awkward between us. I may not be able to help very much how I feel about him, but I sure can help how I respond to my feelings. |
| Said he loved me very deeply but was not in love with me. A year later said in love with me in some ways but not total. This was after we had a child on purpose. I can’t escape. Ever. | It made me grow and be more determined. |
| "You know we're just friends" "Um you know.. [bf's name]" "Not worth torturing your brain over it anymore" | Nothing |
| Didn't feel the same at all. We were best friends and when he found out he left me. | The emotional roller coaster ride I have experienced. |
| Uncomfortable | It makes me realize that friendship is a far more powerful force for good in this world than the popular media depict it. Romantic relationships bring pain, but friendship balances, heals, soothes, and lightens the spirit. |
| I'm not sure yet, but I'm pretty sure he'd say something along the lines of, "Sorry, I don't feel the same way," much as every guy before him has done. | That I feel this way about someone else. And I like how I am when I'm in love with her. I want to make myself better so that I can deserve to even be her friend. And I would do anything for her and go so far out of my way for her. I like how self-less she makes me. I always hated that I was sometimes selfish and when I'm with her I don't care about me. I want to please her and make her happy and that's all that matters to me. Actually, the best thing about this unrequited love would be that I got to love and be friends with someone so special no matter if she ever loves me back or not. |
| He said that "there is nothing there". Said I was "tuning into him". He brushed it aside. I am married. Can't blame him. We are still friends. | That I can love. |
| I am uncertain whether he knew about my feelings. If he did he chose to ignore them. | I got to meet such an amazing person. |
| He would say he only sees me as a friend. | As a woman I never manipulated im into liking me, and Ihat i've always supported him with the woman that he likes. |
| She attempted to make me hate her. | Haven't figured that out. |
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