Posted By Lonesome Loser on March 12, 2012
Warning: This post will be a negative rant.
I’m so disappointed and angry at myself. This focus on someone from years ago that I didn’t even know is pathetic. And I think I’m done, finally done. There have been times I’ve been completely convinced (or rather, I completely convinced myself) that Jessica (my Loved One) has been reading this website, but I know that’s not true. What is true is that there are several of us that check this website, especially the Naming Wall, several times per week or more for over a year or more. I know they are specific people due to google analytics. Everyone is doing the same thing — checking the Naming Wall to see if your Loved One might have possibly found this site and deciphered what you had written about them and written you back! Sorry, folks, it’s just us obsessive unrequited lovers, dancing in the dark alone.
I don’t necessarily know what’s precipitated this shift for me. What I do know is that my subconscious talks to me through quiet repetition and emotional overlays or tones. Like, a while back I became viscerally frightened about turning the lights off to my office just before leaving — I kept having these images of a scary, Japanese-style floating ghost coming up behind me in the dark before I could get out of the office. She (the ghost) was really fucked up — grey-skinned, limp, quietly menacing, dead-looking. Really, it was freaking me out. I mean, I didn’t think it was real, I just wasn’t sure where it was coming from. Until through just allowing my subconscious to continue to show me this image and reflecting in a non-directive way on what it might mean, I finally figured out that the scary ghost was me, it was representing my own fear of aging. (Aging is fucked up and scary looking, and very frightening to me!) Once I had this insight, the ghost disappeared almost immediately. I just stopped having that visceral anxiety at night when leaving my office, once I had recognized what the ghost or the fear was trying to tell me.
And I’ve noticed that lately I keep having the lyrics to a Genesis song running through my head — “Cause you know I know baby, that I don’t wanna [know]” — except the lyrics are actually “I don’t wanna go”, which I actually knew, but I kept hearing it in my head as “I don’t wanna know,” and I kept feeling achingly sad. I finally realized what my subconscious has been communicating — a kind of bittersweet recognition that I don’t want to know more about Jessica’s life now, it’s just painful. I think this is what’s lead me to recently feeling so washed out and done regarding Jessica, I just don’t want to know how her life has gone on (without me) — that she’s happy and healthy and safe and untroubled and I have nothing to do with her feeling any of those ways.
Cause you know I know baby, that I don’t wanna know….
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Tags: getting over unrequited love, symptoms of being in love
