Posted By Lonesome Loser on December 30, 2008
Hi, it’s good to see folks visiting this website about the experience of unrequited love. This is meant to be a participatory discussion, not a monologue. Please leave comments! You don’t have to give personal information to comment. The system will ask for your name and an email address but you can just make stuff up if you’d rather not give it. You can leave comments on any of the posts, and if you are so inclined, on my poetry page Musings. Also, please consider participating in the polls below, and in the surveys on the Surveys page.
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Tags: limerence, romantic love, unrequited love
Posted By Lonesome Loser on July 18, 2011
This post is in response to an email sent by a reader around July 5th…
To “Jenn” regarding “John”:
Hi Jenn,
Let me make sure I understand. You heard John say he had a former crush on someone from a long time ago? Or is this a recent crush?
The good thing to come of all this so far is that you realized you are in love — painful, but a positive and healthy experience to have, overall.
It’s difficult with close friends they way you and John are. Generally, the friend who is loved does not recognize their friend as a potential romantic partner. However, this can sometimes be because the Loved One is splitting emotional closeness from sexual attraction — that it is too uncomfortable for the person to feel sexual attraction for the close friend. Sometimes this ends with the Would-be Lover being turned down and in pain, sometimes it ends in the Loved One recognizing they are attracted to their friend.
From what you’ve told me, I would agree you have a chance, but there is no certainty or guarantee.
What if you approached John with more like a “have you ever thought of us dating each other?” or “I’d be interested in dating you, I think you’re interesting and attractive.” Basically, giving him some hint you kind of like him, but holding back from a full-blown “I’m in love with you.”
Let me know how things go…
LL
For general readers:
It’s always complicated as well as difficult when you fall in love with a close friend. First things first, are you sure you’re being rejected or have been rejected by your friend/Loved One? If you haven’t told them or shown them how you feel, you don’t really know how they will respond. Please value yourself by assuming you do have something to offer, and have no reason to feel your love will be an embarrassment or a source of shame for your Loved One. Life is too short to keep feelings of love to yourself simply because you are afraid to express them.
If it is a situation where you have good reason to believe your friend does not return your love, then you have a decision to make. Do you express your feelings and risk losing the friendship, or keep quiet and torture yourself? This must be your decision, but I would urge you to consider why you might want to remain in a friendship indefinitely with someone who you romantically love? This can be a way of avoiding intimacy with someone who could truly return your feelings. Or it might be a difficult situation that leaves you willing to “settle” for your Loved One’s friendship, such as they or you are married, or have incompatible sexual orientations. Either way, I believe it’s unproductive to remain in a platonic relationship with someone who you romantically love. Of course, recognizing the futility of our position does nothing to change feelings, I know. Ultimately, we each move on from unrequited love in our own time-frame.
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1 Comment »
Tags: costs of love, helpful tips, in your own words
Posted By Lonesome Loser on June 27, 2011
Well, it turns out that quite a lot about unrequited love is great.
Now, I’ll admit, usually when I recall my experiences with unrequited love, especially the most recent one, it’s not a particularly praiseworthy remembrance. I generally cringe and hit my forehead, undoubtedly looking like Homer J. Simpson (“doh!”).
However, unrequited love really does bring many positives to our lives. It’s not all a bad experience; some would say it’s not at all a bad experience. After all, wars have been fought (Helen of Troy), creative arts have been stirred(Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther, Hugo’s Hunchback of Notre Dame, numerous poems, films -e.g., Broadcast News), all inspired by unrequited love.
Here’s my own list of what’s great about unrequited love…
- All the pleasant physical symptoms, like increased energy, weight loss, that incredible and undeniable sexual preoccupation
- The distraction of obsession, taking me away from the mundane details of my life
- Exploring my own capacity for love and other powerful emotions — anger, joy, grief
- Enhanced ability to concentrate, at least in areas of work that interest me
- Happy feelings tend to spill over into my perception of life in general, resulting in a very pleasant way of viewing the world
Please add your own experiences about the “greatness” of unrequited love here…
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6 Comments »
Tags: costs of love, description, unrequited love
Posted By Lonesome Loser on February 14, 2011
Many of us may have shown or spoken our feelings only to have them shot down. But we all know Cupid is one tough toddler! Cupid gets right back up from that floor, wings fluttering and wounds restored, flitting around our heads yet again, whispering to us, singing happy songs, telling us Cupid just needs another chance, another shot…
And after a while we believe it. Yes, another chance, that’s all. A different way to approach him or her, that would work! Perhaps the Loved One was not quite facing us, was slightly turned away and so didn’t see all that we were offering. “Hey, {loved one}, hey {loved one}, over here!” Cupid’s arrow finally flies true…t’cheee…thonk…splat! “Got him/her! Oh, no, wait, that’s Cupid falling again…”
“Don’t refuse to go on an occasional wild goose chase – that’s what wild geese are for.” — Author Unknown
Stories: Please post your unrequited Valentine’s Day love stories below, in response to this post. Misery loves company!
Zazzle has a lot of cute anti-Valentine’s Day cards….
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Tags: funny, in your own words, stories of unrequited love
Posted By Lonesome Loser on February 14, 2011
Ok, Valentine’s Day! I have been neglecting this site but I simply must post something for Valentine’s Day…
Valentine’s Day, that most potent of days, for all lovers, even unrequited ones. Some of us in unrequited love may anxiously obsess, others may drift through the day draped in melancholy. So much of unrequited love involves regrets of omission, rather than commission. We may think about how we failed to express our feelings to our Loved One, failing Love itself.
For unrequited lovers, this is a day to dwell on what we have not done, rather than what we have done. Most of us do too little, rather than too much, when it comes to expressing our love. Even though this might have been the best decision under the circumstances, it’s still a loss, still experienced as a failure.
“For all I should have thought, and did not think; for all I should have said, and did not say; for all I should have done, and did not do; forgive me…” — Zoroastrian prayer
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2 Comments »
Tags: in your own words, unrequited love
