Hi, it’s good to see folks visiting this website about the experience of unrequited love. This is meant to be a participatory discussion, not a monologue. Please leave comments! You don’t have to give personal information to comment. The system will ask for your name and an email address but you can just make stuff up if you’d rather not give it. You can leave comments on this “Home” page, and if you are so inclined, on my poetry page Musings. Also, please consider participating in the polls below, and in the surveys on the Surveys page.
This is perhaps one of the most well-known stories of unrequited love. It’s helpful in terms of communicating the experience of unrequited love or limerence to others, as most everyone (at least in U.S. culture) is familiar with the story and we can all empathize with Charlie Brown’s longing, fear of not being good enough, and sense of impossible divide that exists between Charlie Brown and his little red-haired girl.
The little red-haired girl is a culturally recognizable symbol of unrequited love. In all of the strips penned by Charles Schulz, the comic strip author, the little red-haired girl remains unseen and unnamed. Schulz has stated that he had thought for years about doing a bittersweet story between Charlie Brown and the little red-haired girl, but in the end decided it was best that she remain unseen, forever longed for but never met. The television specials and book that do have Charlie Brown interacting more specifically with the little red-haired girl (sometimes called Heather), were not officially “blessed” by Schulz. The little red-haired girl was actually based on Charles Schulz’ own experience of unrequited love, but that’s a discussion for a different post.
Charlie Brown’s reactions to the little red-haired girl are classic signs of limerence. He wants to possess items that she has touched, such as her pencil. He watches her house while hiding behind a tree (can you say “stalker?”), hoping to catch a glimpse of her and to work up the courage to knock on her door. He often talks about wanting to talk to her, but is never able to walk up to her and start a conversation. He dreams about her. Ultimately, he is never able to talk with her or do much about his feelings. This is a typical course of acquaintance-based unrequited love.
It’s interesting to note the varied descriptions applied to what Charlie Brown is experiencing. Sometimes writers will refer to the little red-haired girl as his “crush,” sometimes she is his “unrequited love”, and sometimes Charlie Brown is “in love” with her. This just goes to show us how people can apply different labels to the same behaviors and feelings, from dismissive to life-enhancing, depending on one’s perspective.
The perspectives of the Loved Ones are discussed and will continue to be discussed in various posts on this blog, but this post in particular is intended to be the more matter-of-fact, “How to Handle a Declaration of Unrequited Love, For Dummies” version.
First, you need to decide (and this shouldn’t be difficult) whether the person who is declaring their love is an acquaintance or a friend. An acquaintance would be someone like a classmate or work colleague that you didn’t spend time with socially, or a friend of a friend, etc. A friend is someone you are close friends with, or at least see socially fairly frequently, or perhaps an in-law (believe me, it does happen).
If your Would-Be Lover is an Acquaintance:
Allow them to express their feelings verbally, just once.
Look them in the eye and say “Thank you. I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way about you.” Repeat as necessary.
Do not deviate from the above message.
If possible, cease all contact with the person (e.g., change your carpool, sit at a different desk in class, take your lunch break in a different area). Ideally, ceasing all contact is the would-be lover’s responsibility, but this doesn’t always happen and if you want to decrease your overall discomfort as well as be as kind as possible to the person, this is what I recommend.
That’s it. That is the best thing you can do — allow them to tell you how they feel, make it clear you do not feel the same, and eliminate or reduce contact with the person.
If your Would-Be Love is a Friend:
This is much more difficult and requires more delicate handling.
Allow them to express their feelings verbally, just once.
Look them in the eye and say “Thank you. I’m flattered, but I don’t feel the same way about you.” Repeat as necessary.
Do not deviate from the above message.
Decide whether you want to continue the friendship or not. If this is a so-so friend, someone you are not that close with, I would recommend ending contact as being more humane for everyone concerned. However, if this is an in-law, you will have to maintain SOME type of cordial relationship with the person. If this is a close friend, it’s understandable that you would want your friendship to whether this crisis, and it is a crisis, you must understand that.
If you decide to continue the friendship, it is imperative that you refrain from giving any type of sexual or romantic signals to the person. It is frequently the case that friendships contain a certain amount of flirtation or sexual energy, this is normal. However, if your unfortunate friend has fallen in romantic love with you, it is important that your communication be as honest and flirtation-free as possible.
Do not indulge in long, drawn-out conversations with your friend about their feelings. This will only tend to give the person hope that you might be wooed into changing your mind, even if the person consciously “knows better.”
I recommend decreasing contact with your friend, at least for a while, to allow them to process the rejection, their feelings, and decide for themselves if they can continue a friendship with you.
Unrequited love happens. It’s not your fault or your responsibility (beyond a certain degree of humane response). Free yourself from any guilt and go on with your life.
Funny how we hear things we want to hear, and ignore things we wish weren’t true. It’s human nature, we all do it for any number of reasons. The dual lenses of denial and rose-coloring in the bifocal glasses that we all use is particularly distorting in unrequited love. Loved Ones say things we over interpret, they don’t say things because they assume we get the message, and we hear what we want to hear and disregard the rest…
This post is in honor of the fabulously funny Far Side cartoon “Same Planet, Different Worlds”, reproduced below.
This post is for tongue-in-cheek fun, please don’t feel offended if it isn’t reflective of your particular situation.
Same Planet, Different Worlds
What Loved Ones Say
What We Hear
What Loved Ones Really Mean
You're nice.
You're nice, maybe I'll become attracted to you in the future.
You're nice enough but there is no way I'm dating or sleeping with you, ever.
I'm not looking for a relationship right now.
You can win me over if you really try.
I'm not interested in you.
My life is complicated right now.
You can win me over if you really try.
I'm not interested in you.
Hi.
Hi, I'm interested in you but I'm too shy to let it show or there is some other reason I can't let it show.
Hi.
I'm seeing somebody else.
I'm seeing somebody else but I'm really unhappy in that relationship and would like you to rescue me.
I'm reasonably happy in my relationship, and unavailable because of it.
I don't want to ruin our friendship.
I'm really attracted to you, but afraid sex would ruin our friendship.
I'm really not sexually or romantically attracted to you.
Really, I'm flattered, but I really don't think of you that way.
I just need to be nudged over a bit, keep trying.
Would you please stop!
You're a great person, I'm sure you'll find love soon.
Stop pestering me, you loser!
You're a good person, I really hope you find love soon (and stop focusing on me!).
Are you in love or in like? Is there a difference between friendship and love? Social science research says, yes, there is a difference.
The link “View Survey” below will open a survey on this page that may help you decide if what you feel for a particular person is more similar to being “in love” or more similar to being “in like.” The survey is based on psychologist Zick Rubin’s Love Scale.
The final page of the survey will have some instructions for interpreting your individual results, and I will create a separate survey results page as soon as I get at least 15-20 responses. I know this is a cumbersome way to view results, but it’s the only option I have for the moment!
Best thing that never happened to you: I offered you the best that I could offer.
It wasn't enough for you.
My love lasts forever,
but now,
I will no longer act on it,
I will [...]
Megan: 4 years and i still feel as strongely as i did when i first met you.now that highschool is over tomorrow may be the last [...]
Michaela: Carol, 14 years older than I am. I'm her intern and I shouldn't have fallen for her, but I did...
stephanie: I love you so much Michael....so very much.
Stephen: Kelly. The earth has moved nearly fifteen billion miles through space since the hour you called me and told me you did not love me, [...]
Rob: I love you very much, Marilyn. Despite the circumstances (as I continue to struggle with it for the past four years), I will always [...]
Cheyenne: I love you Deborah. And I'm willing to live out my life as a spinster if that'll keep you happy.
Daryl: What does she give you that I cant?
Jen: Brian, I love you. I know you felt something for me at one point but I didn't see it then and I only have myself [...]
Imagination: Lizzie, you just have no idea. I never gave up. I've lost count of the number of times my heart has been stabbed, but I [...]
